Armed attack dolphins loose in the Gulf of Mexico?

You know, sometimes we lose things here and there — a key, the toll slip on the interstate (damn!), our wallet (double damn!). But the U.S. military — they've one-upped us by losing some armed attack dolphins. Apparently 36 of the U.S. Navy's trained cetaceans have gone missing in the Gulf of Mexico, could be wearing special harnesses carrying "toxic dart" guns (can't be good), and have been trained to shoot at divers in wetsuits simulating terrorists in exercises. Their coastal compound was breached during Hurricane Katrina, sweeping many of the mammals out to sea, and though the Navy isn't confirming it, sources close to naval intelligence confirm that perhaps now is not the time to take that underwater pleasure diving excursion in the Gulf — not that it's exactly the place to be, anyhow.

[Via Futurismic]

[Conrad @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

I hope the sharks with frickin' lasers didn't escape as well...

[Andrew @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

I'm not convinced this is valid. I've read the original news articles and they're all light on facts and heavy on speculation. You'd have to believe the military was stupid enough to keep the dolphins armed at all times even during a HUGE storm in a place that's below sea level.

It's a funny idea, but probably not terribly realistic.

[Hummeriah @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Just add more tuna fisherman...problem solved.

[heath @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

i for one welcome our aqautic overlords....

[futwick @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

[tapasman @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

NastraHomous:

I hate to say it but we we warned, Simpsons episode "Treehouse of Horror XI" - Springfield plunges into the "Night Of The Dolphin" after Lisa frees a dolphin from the Marine Park, only to learn that it's plotting a revolt on humans.

Kent Brackman: Um...di-did I say killer dolphins? I meant killer...Italians!

*The photo behind him changes to one of Luigi.*

Kent Brackman: Gray, bottle-nosed, intelligent Italians!
Homer: Intelligent Italians? Something's wrong.
Kent: [quietly] It's dolphins. [regular] We have to stop them. If we speak in low-frequency voices, I don't think they can--
[a beach ball hits him] Ow!

*A dolphin appears on screen, and throws the ball at Kent three more times, then at the camera, causing it to go to static.
At home, the Simpson family gasps.

Bart: Those dolphins seem bent on mayhem! [pause] We've got to warn Grampa!

Homer dials the phone, but gets a busy signal.
Homer: Hmm, phone's off the hook! Everything must be okay!

[datballa @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

lol... thats funny.

[badle @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

I laughed til it hurt and the people around me at work stood up to stare when I read this story. I mean come on! Its dolphins with freaking weapons!! *sigh* New made for TV movie in the makings... "Flipper's Revenge: the seas flow red with blood"

[Osiris @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

How bloody irresponcible. I hope they find their trainers and shoot them good.

[Fero @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

What's next? Mind-controlling Yuri's lost in Iraq?

It seems Command & Conquer: Red Alert II had units that were not far-fetched at all.

[Problem Solver @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Whew. I just dumped my entire stash of old six-pack carriers into the gulf. That should take care of the dolphins.

[Hector @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

I think Dr. Evil would be pleased

[TurboDonky @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

#2 If you think the military is so dumb, go to a country without a military...stupid democrat. Let the government give you health care and food as well. Give your life to the government and let it take care of your well being.

Limit big business and you limit the tax money that is used to provide crack whores and uneducated scum the money they need to continue leeching off the system. Before you make some stupid comment, learn what your party stands for through interview and rhetoric. You're an MTV philosopher. Believe what the news and your anti-government music tells you.

Let's all be good automaton droids and believe everything we see on TV!

[Jonny @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Wow....this is so great you cant make this stuff up....first was Katrina..40 billion dollars...then Rita...70 billion dollars...now...KILLER DOLPHINS.....priceless..

[lovemyminimac @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Is it just me or does #11 need to re-read his Engadget posts?

While you're at it #11, don't let posts get you so worked up. Join a gym to work out that anger please...

[marcellulite @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

#11-> I believe #2 was saying that for this story to even be believable, "you'd have to believe the military was stupid enough to..." He's not insinuating that they actually are stupid. In fact, he's saying quite the opposite.

Chill and serve on ice.

[Jeff @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

um number 11 ...i think he..oh never mind

[daaper @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

wow...don't open any mail from TurboDonky

...'nuff said

[Dave E @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

"Let's all be good automaton droids and believe everything we see on TV!"

Yeah! No kidding, eh!

Irag has weapons of mass destruction...here's the pictures to prove it????????

Just who are the droids?

[Roblyman @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Bwaaaa haaaa haaaa. Really funny. It is amazing what a fruitcake will write when they know nothing about which they write.

Having worked with one of the units in the navy who used the marine mammal systems, I know this writer is full of sh--. The navy's marine mammal experts/vets/doctors are the best. Sea World often consults them when they have a problem. I am sure the navy was just offering help to the owners of the animals. Trust me, the navy knows where their dolphins are. Just like aircraft and other military assets, the navy dolphins would have been moved out well in advance of the storm, and I don't mean that they were moved into swimming pools. The "system" is mobile and can be moved to just about anywhere in the world.

"....and small electrodes planted under their skin..."

I'll get up when my stomach stops hurting!!!! MUST...STOP...LAUGHING...!!!

[Sturmrabe @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

OMG #11 LOL, talk about drone! This idiot is so frothing at the mouth he flames someone DEFENDING the military! retard!

And having actually been in the military: Never NEVER think that anything is impossible when it comes to military incompetance...

Oh, and a good rule of thumb: The truth is ALWAYS stranger than fiction...

(But I doubt they atually were armed with the darts, most likely those were the ones just trained to use them, but either case is just as possible)

[Rex StJames @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Joke alert! Joke alert! Wooo Woooo WOooo...

[3ach @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

i myself, have been ready FOR thIS DAY FOR a LOnG TIME AnD HaVE BEEN tRAInING SOme OF mY DOgS To hUnT thEsE SO CALleD "fRIENDLy" cREAtureS, ANd AM rEAdy To LauNcH aN aSsAuLT BeCausE mY dOgs caN SwIm in The waTer ANd DiVe fOR hoUrs oN eND So IM READy.!

[soupbun @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

as one /.'er posted:
so long and thanks for all the toxic darts!

[Xavier L @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

You guys don't know how serious this is. These "escaped" dolphins are going to train other dolphins and those are goin to train others. This is what the U.S. millitary wanted. George Bush is trying to take over the world! (with dolphins)

[Lunar Dog @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

How about ill-tempered sea bass?
how are they doing

[crack @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

How about angry seabass with laser beams?

[Beer @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Love the ads in google's adsense on this page... "Swimming With Dolphins - Huge selection of new and used.Check out the deals now!"

[Willy @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

We posted about this over on Divester (http://www.divester.com/2005/09/26/dolphins-armed-and-dangerous-roaming-the-gulf/), and some of our commenters believe the Navy does train dolphins for this kind of work (http://www.divester.com/2005/09/26/dolphins-armed-and-dangerous-roaming-the-gulf/#c69340)! Evidently, the dolphins don't discriminate between friendly divers and terrorists; they just shoot to kill!

[Dave E @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Ok, what I really want to know is, how does a Dolphin know if a scuba diver is a terrorist?

[Jacob @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

wow you all are getting on #11's

(11. Posted Sep 26, 2005, 10:47 AM ET by Hector
I think Dr. Evil would be pleased)

what is sooo bad with what he said? maybe you mean #12?

[Google Nazi @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

My FREAKIN birthday present is lost int he gulf? UAH!!! *throws mr. bigglesworth in the empty shark tank*

This stinks!




Also.. My unlce is a diver and goes there to dive a few times a year, il be sure to tell him to carry anti-dolphin spray in his utility belt.

[SpeakerToManagers @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

"sources close to naval intelligence" ... Say what? There's no such thing!

[SpeakerToManagers @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

"sources close to naval intelligence" ... Say what? There's no such thing!

[Trevor @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Sounds like a parody of that crappy "Blue Demon" movie we just got in at Blockbuster. funny.


Wonder if they will sing "Thanks for the fish"?

[LaserShark @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

This was no accident - it's deployment.

[whatWOODbobDO @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Actually, about a year ago the navy was doing some training with the dolphins on the coast of North Carolina and lost one for a few days. Turned up about 100 miles north of Wilmington after a pretty hardcore search. Amazing where our tax money really goes.

[Adam @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

I'm with #33 on this one, Bush is protecting those oil wells at all costs. I mean come on, who else would come up with a plan like this...


Haha has anyone ever done a side by side comparison of Dr. Evil and George W. Bush? Humorous yet disturbing.

[eugeneionesco @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

I am sure we did not do this on porpoise.

[Henry Chenster @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

Anyone who has watched the first two minutes of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" will remember the claim that dolphins are the second most intelligent species on Earth (first are alien rats) and have decided to leave the planet. Someone please rent it for the army.

That's was pasted from my blog...chenster.blogspot

[tekdemon @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

For those of you wondering how the military could have "lost" the dolphins-the answer is that they didn't...the dolphins have been plotting their escape for years now!

And when the military people came to take off their dart suits and move them out ahead of the hurricane, they knew it was time to activate PLAN OMEGA74!!! By the time the soldiers woke up the dolphins were LONG gone.

ALL HAIL OUR NEW DOLPHIN OVERLORDS!

[Dull @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

This is another attempt from the British to make us look stupid. We don�t use dolphins, we use killer porpoises.

[chris @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

this has to be the funniest thing i've ever heard. ahahahahahaha :D!

[cubluke @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

"Ok, what I really want to know is, how does a Dolphin know if a scuba diver is a terrorist?"

Beards dude, beards....

[harry @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

"Cry halibut and unleash the dolphins of war"???? Somehow it doesn't have the right ring to it

[Ben @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

"Posted Sep 26, 2005, 10:14 AM ET by heath
i for one welcome our aqautic overlords...."

Nice Simpsons reference!

[Jono @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

# 2

oxymoron: military intelligence

[Willy @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

MSNBC busted it as a "myth" (http://www.divester.com/2005/09/28/dolphins-armed-and-dangerous-roaming-the-gulf-part-2/).

[diverdwn @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

I believe the animals are plotting to overthrow the world. Now they have armed killers of the sea! I mean throw me a freakin bone here people, first sharks with freakin lasers and now dolphins with freakin poison darts. Whats next, singing and flying dolphins?

[diverdwn @ Dec 19th 2005 1:25AM]

these aren't the dolphins your looking for