"Double you tea eff, Ludwig," you say. "It's Saturday! These charts are late! I demand an explanation, you wretched excuse for a human being!" And an explanation is just what you'll receive, one that is meticulously crafted to your exact specifications. Find it after the break and substitute as necessary.

- DS Lite: 123,140 4,321 (3.39%)
- Wii: 69,748 11,104 (18.93%)
- PSP: 26,358 261 (1.00%)
- PS2: 11,814 503 (4.45%)
- PS3: 8,998 629 (6.53%)
- Xbox 360: 2,219 175 (8.56%)
- Game Boy Micro: 310 97 (23.83%)
- GBA SP: 247 41 (14.24%)
- Gamecube: 226 30 (11.72%)
- DS Phat: 71 10 (12.35%)
- GBA: 16 1 (5.88%)

[Source: Media Create]

See also: Previous Japanese hardware sales charts

There I was, calmly [action] across [place], minding my own [object] and thinking to myself, [catchy phrase]. It's a [descriptor] start for a story such as this, and one would expect it to end in much the same way. Only it didn't. [sound]! One more step and I found myself [action] into [place], my march having been thwarted by a [descriptor] [object] lying in plain sight. "Hey," I exclaimed, [catchy phrase].

As if to answer, a [descriptor] [female] suddenly appeared before me. "My deepest apologies, sir," she stated with a [descriptor] grin on the part I suspected to be her face. "That [object] actually belongs to me, I'm afraid I was unable to prevent it from [action] and thus allowed it to escape the confines of my [object]." Dusting myself off, I noted something disingenuous about the apology, as if her [descriptor] mouth had shared nothing more than a [descriptor] lie with me. [catchy phrase], I said, "you left it there intentionally!"

Acting on a [descriptor] instinct, I reached into my [object], quickly [action] out my trusty [object]. [sound]! Within seconds, she was [action], embracing the floor with a satisfying [sound]. I had shot her right in the [object]. I looked at her [descriptor] body, now entirely motionless. In her hand, a [descriptor] piece of paper.

"I'm sorry," it read, [catchy phrase].

Objects

time machine
enchanted pie
rancor
houseboat
Fabergé egg
Hitler's mustache
defective PEZ dispenser
Perfect Strangers DVD collection
rocket-propelled sloth
crystalline form of a Jimi Hendrix guitar solo
copy of The Eye of Argon
anvil parachute
fiberglass bicep
amorphous mystery liquid
Game Gear
tap-dancing platypus
Batmobile replica
spleen-shaped kidney
vintage shoulder pad
ineffective jester

Actions

plummeting
reeling
exploding
evaporating
pontificating
swooping
escaping
enslaving
pwning
vibrating
flip-flopping
roundhouse kicking
gyrating
migrating
time traveling
disintegrating
bouncing
gesticulating
strutting
smooching

Places

The depths of Hell
Ken Kutaragi's private island
Hogwarts
Studio 54 (in its prime)
A random street serving no real purpose other than to establish a setting for this waste of time
The trenches of World War I
J. Allard's exposed head
The &#%@ Water Temple
The safest part of Nowhere
Umbrella Corp. Headquarters

Females

Jessica Alba
Sigourney Weaver
Shodan
Martha Stewart
Charlize Theron
Chun-Li
Dame Edna
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Vaan
Hilary Clinton

Descriptors

refreshingly plump
dubiously endowed
disturbingly crispy
devastatingly obnoxious
unbelievably saccharine
questionably appealing
ridiculously mauve
potentially wistful
enigmatically aroused
objectionably suicidal
tediously moist
ethically delicious
pristinely glistening
ludicrously decadent
maddeningly pusillanimous
onerously petulant
gratuitously attractive
exceedingly boisterous
particularly vague
endearingly inept

Sounds

KAPOW
THWIPT
PERPLACK
FOPT
JUPLANG
KOINCK
BFFFT
ZORP
FWHOOP
HWISS

Catchy phrases

"This is unacceptable!"
"Let's get with the jazziness!"
"Your mother uses DVORAK!"
"Eye patches are for night vision!"
"This makes no sense!"
"LOL newb I h@xx3d u1"
"I'll keelhaul your pets!"
"An abacus is all I need!"
"Believe it!"
"Curse you, conspiring meat people!"
"One does not simply jiggle into Mordor!"
"I woke up and hated everything!"
"I need another amoeba, stat!"
"The miracle never happen!"
"This explains nothing!"

This article was originally published on Joystiq.