Out of control satellite "weeks" away from slamming into Earth

Good news, everyone! According to reports, a US spy satellite which has lost power and propulsion is weeks or even months away from striking Earth. Officials say that the space junk -- which can now no longer be controlled and could contain hazardous materials -- is due to come smashing into some location on our planet's surface, but they can't really say where. "Numerous satellites over the years have come out of orbit and fallen harmlessly. We are looking at potential options to mitigate any possible damage this satellite may cause," said Gordon Johndroe, a spokesman for the Nation Security Council. Government agencies are still considering options such as shooting down the stray equipment, though they say they'd be just as happy to let the potentially radioactive / alien-filled hunk of metal crash into a small village in a developing country.