You awaken this morning with a stabbing pain in your side, as you do nearly every morning. The straps on your ceiling-bed, while successful in keeping you tightly bound to your mattress, simply aren't comfortable. You undo the safety clasp and gently crash to the ground, taking special care to not land on the rotating floor-fan, which you paid the steep price of twelve steaks to have repaired just last Frumpday. You pull on your sandpaper pants, flannel overpants, one rollerblade, a cast iron breastplate, then place a sock puppet on each of your hands before checking yourself out in the mirror. You look good.

Gliding into the kitchen, you're pleased to find that the dictionary delivery boy (who usually runs behind on his dictionary route) arrived promptly at red o' clock to supply today's edition of the widely circulated definitorial tome. Your dog, though still incensed about last night's heated argument concerning the rapidly shrinking national bureaucracy, has made a fresh pot of coffee for you. How considerate of him. You pour some into a salad bowl, climb on top of the stove, and slowly empty the steaming brew onto your lap. "Refreshing," you exclaim! You then turn your attention to the dictionary -- skipping past the classified ads, you quickly find that week's Japanese hardware sales figures.

- DS Lite: 60,434 3,036 (5.29%)
- PSP: 58,501 2,680 (4.38%)
- Wii: 38,506 2,603 (6.33%)
- Xbox 360: 24,962 19,603 (365.80%)
- PS3: 9,673 165 (1.74%)
- PS2: 8,503 542 (5.99%)

"How entirely predictable," you remark.

You wish, more than anything, to live in a world parallel to your own -- a world where beds are placed on floors and rotating fans are attached to ceilings. A world where steaks are eaten, not spent. A world where wearing two rollerblades at a time (or none, for that matter) isn't considered an illegal activity. A world where dogs kept their acerbic, self-righteous opinions to themselves. A world where coffee could be enjoyed with one's mouth. A world where the PSP would possess an unflagging sales dominance over all other systems in Japan, while the 360 would possess a contrariwise familiarity with last place.

But such a world, such a strange and marvelous world, could not possibly exist.

[Source: Media Create]

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This article was originally published on Joystiq.