TUAW Interview: Fake Steve Jobs

FSJ: Microsoft still hasn't realized that its copycat business model (also known as a "close follower" strategy) doesn't work anymore. For 20 or 25 years this company just waited for others to innovate, then copied the innovation and sold it for less - and this worked great for them. But this stopped working right around 2000 or so. The rest of the world just moves too fast now. Look, they're still trying to catch Google in search, and they've got what -- one percent market share? Same thing for Zune, right?

Well, keep fighting the good fight on that one, you morons. As for the stores, well, they look nice enough, since they copied ours. But in terms of how well they'll do? Come on. Their stores are a joke and they've arrived too late. The whole point of being a close follower is you have to follow closely. We opened our first store in 2001 and we've got something like four thousand of them in the United States alone. I know you're going to tell me I'm a bit off on that number, and, well, maybe so. But I still say we've got four thousand stores and if I say it enough times, people will believe me. Anyway, the other thing Microsoft seems not to understand is that it's not enough just to open a store -- you need to have something cool to put in that store. That might be a problem for them.

FSJ: Wait a minute. Microsoft makes mobile phone software? I didn't know that. Are you serious?

FSJ: If it is the last thing I do, I will get us off AT&T. By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, this shall be done. Look for news on this early next year.

FSJ: Well, very badly, except that Eric Schmidt does not have testicles. Lot of people don't know that. But if he did have them, yes, I would want to harm them. A lot. The guy sat here in our board meetings and listened to all of our product plans and then just stole all of our ideas. I mean he sat here -- right here -- talking to me, asking me questions. I'm sorry. This just gets me really upset. Sniff. Can we move on?

FSJ: The latter. But this whole notion of paying for everything with advertising is just so totally frigtarded that I don't know where to begin. I guess what will happen is this. The vast majority of people -- the lumpenproletariat, the muggles -- will maybe accept the idea of an ad cluttered workspace in exchange for free stuff. It will be awful, and it will be invasive, and it will rob you of privacy, but people will go for it. Basically it will be all the people who now go for Microsoft -- the ones who put up with that awful experience in exchange for a low price. The ones who didn't mind all that crapware that came on their new Dell machine, or maybe they minded but they didn't know any better. Those people will move to Google-based machines and devices because the hardware will be free and maybe even the connectivity will be free, so they'll consider it a bargain to get plugged into the maw of the Google machine. A smaller, select community will stay with us. These are people who will realize that they're better off parting with money than with their sanity. They will want a clean, uncluttered experience, and they will be happy to pay for that experience. To sum up: Google wipes out Microsoft, we keep growing.

FSJ: All I can say is that Moshe and a team have been dispatched to Florida.

FSJ: Have fun writing apps for Android, with its fragmented marketplace and a zillion different kinds of hardware to support, and Windows Mobile, which gives you the wonderful opportunity to work with the good folks at Microsoft, and with Palm Web OS, which boasts a user base that is approaching four digits. Yeah. It's like that. We're the only game in town. You don't like it, fine. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

FSJ: Yes it's real. Yes you can. As soon as we're done and you cough up the money. My advice is go get in line outside your local Apple store now, so you can be the first to get one.