Choose the adventures of the WoW.com staff as we level our characters in <It came from the Blog> on Zangarmarsh (US-PVE-H).
Our stories this week are from me and (the one you really care about) Selfloathius. He finally tells the tale of his death by Bieber. But first here's the schedule.
- Robin Torres as Robinemia, the undead mage: Wednesday, 11 p.m. EDT
- Amy Schley as Patent, the troll rogue: Thursday, 10 p.m. EDT
- Fox Van Allen as Foxlight, the blood elf paladin: Friday, 8 p.m. EDT
- Michael Sacco as Sahko, the orc warlock, Christian Belt, as Selfloathius, the blood elf warlock, Elizabeth Harper as Faience, the troll shaman, Matthew Rossi as Andrenorton, the troll mage, Michael Gray as Grayfields, the tauren hunter, Adam Holisky as Adammentat, the tauren druid, and Gregg Reece as Yakkowakko, the orc warlock, will be making appearances as they can
Robin Torres as Robinemia
I admit it. I was annoyed when told I would have to obtain (thanks again, Withervein!) and be followed by a White Kitten. I wasn't allowed to wear the bunny ears anymore, but I had to get something cute and fluffy? Yeah. I had an attitude.
But now that I've met Lily, I get it. She's not cute or fluffy. She's thin and creepy ... like me! Her pink eyes and splayed toes are most endearingly disturbing. Also, she just barely tolerates my presence which is exactly what I look for in a pet!
I allow her to feast on my human victims with me. And she has taught me how to torture animals smaller than herself. It really is a match made in ... uh ... there's a phrase for this that I can't quite ... it's on the tip of my ... well, you know what I mean.
I see now that Lily would have found the bunny ears distasteful -- though she has actually tasted them while trying to disembowel them. Also, the sparkle pony is way too much of a distraction for her. She goes into a frenzy trying to catch and eat the sparkles. I almost remembered the feeling of embarrassment when I produced the pony to show her.
Does this mean that I will trust the decisions made for me in the future? No. There's still that time in the Barrens I do not forgive. Your choices will continue to be whined about until proven appropriate. Besides, there's what you're doing to Selfloathius. /shakes head
Christian Belt as Selfloathius
If you had asked Selfloatius how much he hated himself, and you had asked him prior to listening to Justin Bieber's "music," he would have told you that his hate for himself had no limits, and he would have sincerely believed he was telling you the truth.
Now he knew exactly where the limits of his hate were. The boundary that marked the end of his self-hatred began precisely where it bordered upon the land of Bieber.
As soon as Selfloathius' new guild mates discovered that he was in the market for new and exciting ways to die, they immediately began firing out creative suggestions. There were so many that Selfloathius knew he simply couldn't do them all. He put it to a vote. The winner? Embarking upon an epic journey to the giant tree Teldrassil, where the hated Night Elves made their home, then hurling himself from the very top of it, The twist? He would perform the entire quest while also listening to the musical stylings of a creature his friends called "Justin Bieber."
Selfloathius had no idea who this singing youth was, or what contribution listening to his tunes would add to this trip, but his friends' ideas had been excellent so far. He would trust them. Drawing a summoning circle about him, he began the incantation. The fel magic coursed within him, delightfully corrupt. He called out the name, pulling the creature he sought from the bowels of the demonic realm. After a moment, the ritual was complete.
Bieber was summoned.
It was worse than even Selfloathius could have imagined. Golden locks. Clear skin. Dimples. This was evil incarnate, and Selfloathius understood immediately that he had made a terrible mistake.
Selfloathius and his guild mates departed from Orgrimmar, making their way north and west through the Barrens, then deep into the forests of Ashenvale. To speed the journey, his companions slew any creature that crossed their path, even decimating the entire Alliance village of Astranaar.
If only they could have slain Bieber.
The young demon sang his awful "songs," as they traveled. Selfloathius loved to torture himself. He enjoyed pain. But this ...
This was something beyond torture. This was pain past comprehending.
The group ran into trouble at the foot of the tree. The Night Elves did not take kindly to the incursion, and responded fiercely. Ever valiant, his companions fought through, and though many died, they made their way, many of them as ghosts, past Darnassus and onto the vast treetop beyond. As they rezzed and regrouped in the graveyard outside the elven city, Selfloathius counted heads. Of the group they had set out with, only one was missing.
They cocked their ears, and could hear an ear-curdling, disconcertingly feminine voice warbling up from the foot of the great tree. Bieber was still below! He could hear the Night Elf guards screaming in horrible pain. Selfloathius was overjoyed. No death, no matter how creative, was worth that kind of torture.
The group proceeded forward, making their way to the edge of the great tree.
He called out to any who wished to join him on his epic leap. Gradually, his group expanded. An old friend, Freya, braved an epic corpse run across the Veiled Sea from Auberdine to Teldrassil, so she could be present. Selfloathius didn't even know how that was possible, but he appreciated her dedication to his misery. When all were gathered, Selfloathius jumped.
He plunged, hurtling toward the shore below. He struck a branch or two on the way down, crushing the life from his body. As he fell, he discovered something horrible. Bieber's singing was becoming louder. With his fading vision, Selfloathius found he could just make out the awful shape of Bieber, standing at the foot of the tree below, singing up at him as he fell. As the black closed in around him, he could hear only Bieber, echoing eternally ...
"And now I'm like ... Baby, baby, baby no ..."
If you want to join in on the fun of Choose My Adventure, please join us on Zangarmarsh (US-PVE-H) in <It came from the Blog>. Ask Robiness, Robinemia or any member online for an invite. Guild ranks of Lurker or above have the ability to invite. You are all welcome as long as you play by our simple rules, that can be summed up with "Don't be a Funsucker!" Also, please see the guild FAQ for the most common questions.