One time, I was pushing a TV around so I could watch He-Man while I ate my Cap'n Crunch in the dining room. I was four years old. I accidentally pushed the TV over, bringing it smashing down on my finger. I had to get eight stitches and I eventually lost the fingernail.

I mention this only so you can fully appreciate the gravity of me saying that the half-hour I spent with Fighters Uncaged was the very worst TV-related thing that has ever happened to me. It's ugly, the fighting moves only work half of the time (except for ones like the straight right leg kick, which work none of the time). The training goes on forever before you get to the first round of actual fighting, which is against ... your trainer. It's terrible. I would erase Kinect from the fabric of time if it meant Fighters Uncaged would similarly be lost to the ether.

I'm not giving it a score because I think scoring a game after a half hour sets a bad precedent, and I'd rather eat a rain-soaked box of poison buttholes than ever play Fighters Uncaged again.

This article was originally published on Joystiq.