God, are we really doing this again?
For the fourth (yes, fourth
) year running, my brother (and fellow Joystiq editor) Griffin McElroy and I are going to watch the VGAs so you don't have to. Traditionally, we make fun of them in the cruelest and most profanity-laden way possible, but maybe they'll, you know, be really great this year? Like, super duper classy?
... Maybe? Bookmark this page and let's find out together after the break at 8 p.m. EST.
10:04PM G: ... I think I got Hepatitis from doing this show. I think I definitely have Hepatitis now. I have to go to a Hepatitis doctor.
10:03PM J: Good night, all.
10:03PM G: Shh ... it's coming on again.
10:03PM J: Well, VGAs, you tore two brothers apart. You killed the love forged in our mother's womb.
10:02PM G: Bullshit! Major step back from last year. Okay, in terms of news? Maybe. In terms of raw waja? It was the worst one yet.
10:01PM J: You know what? I'm gonna call it: Best VGAs yet. I don't think I'm kidding.
10:00PM G: Maybe ... life is worth living?
10:00PM J: Griffin. Griffin. Within 10 days of eachother, I get a new Uncharted and a new Elder Scrolls.
9:59PM J: Red Dead Redemption is the VGA Game of the Year. Not a bad choice at all! No Mass Effect 2, but STILL.
9:58PM J: We see a bit of Sully, some great gameplay, and a date! 11-1-11! That's how you tease!
9:57PM J: Drake's walking across a desert, he looks ... a bit different in the face. He grabs a rifle from a dude buried in the sand, we see the shot that's been going around of him in front of the burning plane.
9:56PM G: Uncharted 3! Take it away.
9:55PM G: I'm literally losing it.
9:55PM G: Soap MacTavish 2.0 won for best character.
9:55PM J: SSX features mountains based on real world mountains. Cause that's been my complaint with them. With SSX games. The reality.
9:52PM G: In related news, I'd cut my arm off with a plastic butter knife if it meant I didn't have to watch the last eight minutes of this show.
9:52PM J: No, that's Maria Menounous' vagina.
9:52PM G: Stay strong. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
9:52PM J: Griffin, I'm not doing this next year. I, I just can't. I can't. Do. It. It's making me die.
9:50PM G: Yeah, that looked ... interesting? Looked like more of a focus on dodging rocks than doing sweet tricks to Run DMC.
9:49PM J: Oh, and I guess it's Deadly Descent. OK.
9:49PM G: SSX, please be hot. Please? I need you more than ever.
9:48PM G: "I don't know about you, but I love sex," the attractive woman said on the stage of a televised awards show.
9:48PM J: True Blood cast members take the stage to show off the new SSX game: Deadly Ascent.
9:47PM J: You think the audience members are thinking "I bet this is all super funny and classy and sensical if you can see the augmented reality."?
9:45PM J: ANNNNND his mic is shorting out. This is a show MADE of panic attacks.
9:45PM G: Nate Fillion's here to make it all better.
9:44PM G Tonight, I'm going to take a soothing bath, write a letter to the people I love, and then hang myself.
9:44PM WOULD THAT MY HEART WERE A CANNON, I WOULD FIRE IT AT THEE VGAS!
9:44PM G: TMZ is doing celebrity gossip about video game characters. I'm going to hang myself tonight.
9:43PM G: Oh, Forza 4 didn't look too bad. Not a lot of gameplay footage, though.
9:42PM G: I'm awarding what you just said "Sentence of the Year." Not just about video games.
I mean the best sentence said or written by anyone, anywhere this year.
9:41PM J: I just heard that Maria Manoounounous's bench pressed vagina is going to be a downloadable character in Pain 2.
9:39PM G: It's okay, she's a doctor. You should be fine.
9:39PM J: Sydnee tells me NPH just tweeted that the award girl's metal dress doesn't permit her to sit down. My wife is stabbing me with a knife now. With a knife.
9:38PM G: Forza Motorsports 4 announced by two dudes I do not, and will not ever know.
9:38PM J: It's like a kid trying to sit still for five minutes, and then he bench presses Maria Menounous andshows off her vagina.
9:37PM G: Dominic Monaghan just put the blame of his terrible, terrible bit on the writers. On stage. During the show. I am going to burst into flames.
9:36PM G: Michael Chiklis just benchpressed a woman, nearly exposing her full on vagina.
9:36PM G: Michael Chiklis just ... DID WE ... DID I JUST
9:36PM J: I'd awesome go out on a limb and say if we had more video games like RDR, we'd have more moments like that in the VGAs.
9:34PM [Ed. note: Dane Cook isn't doing that.]
9:34PM G: Get out of here, Dane! He's performing.
9:33PM G: Until Dane Cook comes out to blow bong smoke up his grill.
9:33PM G: Yes! A rad performance of a great song from a great moment in a great game. It's borderline classy.
9:33PM J: OK, the guy doing the song from Red Dead Redemption. THIS is great. THIS is what we need.
9:30PM G: Also, in defense of Insane: A horror game from Volition and Del Toro sounds hot as Hell, and you know it. Too bad it's coming out in 2013, well after the heat death of the universe.
9:30PM G: Did you copy and paste that from last year's liveblog? ... I am almost certain that you did. And that makes me sad on two levels.
9:29PM J: Not a joke. That was harsh. The show's getting better. They just need to believe in their awards.
9:28PM J: Until they have the confidence that these awards and the people accepting them matter, these will always, always be a joke.
9:27PM G: Make that more of the show! Please! There's nothing offensive about giving awards to the right people.
9:27PM G: Christ in Heaven. Those were all so good, too! I agree with just about all of those.
9:27PM J: Best Driving: Hot Pursuit. Best adaptation: Scott Pilgrim. Best RPG: Mass Effect 2. Best music game: RB3. Best soundtrack: DJ Hero 2. Most anticipated: Portal 2. Glad we got all those stupid AWARDS outta the way.
9:25PM J: NBA Elite 2011: 2010-2010. Kinda funny.
9:25PM G: Oh, they just ruined the ending to Red Dead Redemption, too. Awesome. YOU'RE DOING IT, GUYS!
9:25PM J: Video game characters that died this year as NPH plays Arms of the Angel. Poor Johnny Cage.
9:24PM G: I ... think so? It's adorable, regardless.
9:24PM J: OK, Portal 2 ... this is the co-op trailer. This is ... old, right?
9:22PM G: Oh, shit, here we go. The real news. Deadliest warrior getting Rajput, Shaolin Monk, and Tay Zonday? I don't think I heart that last one right.
9:22PM J: Limbo wins for best indie game. Good by me.
9:21PM Fuck you "It looks awesome." It was screaming and a logo. Are you 8?
9:21PM G: Insane looks awesome. And so aptly-titled!
9:20PM J: So it's a "new terror" from him, Volition and it's called Insane ... 2013!
9:19PM SAVE US GUILLERMO DEL TORO. Yes, he just told us we'll shit in our pants.
9:19PM G: That said, this sausage pizza is killllling it.
9:18PM G: I would have killed to watch that unfold, and I think every animal is a precious, precious treasure.
9:18PM J: Oh Christ, if NPH fires a real chicken at real pigs, this show gets an A+.
9:17PM They think their entire audience is that, still. After four years! At the very least, they should be pitching this to perpetually stoned, 19-year-old Cheeto mongers. We're not that! Nobody reading this is that.
9:16PM G: But they still think I'm a perpetually stoned, 15-year-old Cheeto monger who's never known the touch of a woman.
9:16PM G: ARE THEY? ... Yeah, I guess they are.
9:13PM G: That teaser for Resistance 3 just ruined the ending of Resistance 2. Good prank, Spike? You done got us.
9:12PM G: I really wish they'd commit, and call this one "final product."
9:12PM J: This trailer is completely incomprehensible. There's an army dude trying to kill Alex Mercer, and he looks cool. "Destroy your maker." Admission: I really dug Prototype 2.
9:10PM J: Tony Hawk is showing off Prototype 2 cause he's not allowed to make games no more.
9:10PM G: This show is making me dislike Neil Patrick Harris! The cost is too, too high.
9:10PM J: So now NPH is having a conversation with Spider-Man who's really Robert Smigel. I think. ... Yes, I think I'm dead.
9:09PM G: Live it, NPH. You just beat out Martin Sheen for a prestigious award.
9:08PM J: NPH is completely unsurprised that he won.
9:08PM J: Please benevolent God, don't make me watch Martin Sheen accept an award. Oh good, it's NPH.
9:07PM G: Rachel Bilson just let out a barely-audible "jeez" after presenting Best Performance by a Human Male. We know, Rachel. We know.
9:06PM J: Christ Sydnee's mad at me for this one. Direct quote: "You want anything from the kitchen? That's tough shit, because I'm not getting it for you."
9:06PM G: The in-game character is talking about how he's going to the VGAs. I am having a complete panic attack.
9:05PM G: That's pretty much exactly what we're working with.
9:04PM J: Shit, Ditto, I just realized what these augmented reality things remind me of! It's like He-Man Live! There's a screen, and then He-Man jumps off the screen, and then he's like: Let's fight evil.
9:03PM G: IS THIS CGI OR REAL LIFE?
9:02PM J: It's either that, or drink so much beer and hot sauce that I grab a woman's boob to prove I'm not gay (apparently the plot of every Spike show).
9:00PM G: I've got about three more Army commercials left in me before I go fully sign up for the Army.
8:56PM G: Resistance 3: Tugboats vs. Aliens
8:55PM J: Back to FMV, and dude is sporting a giant hammer. Oh, this is Resistance 3, BTW. Coming Sept. 6 2011.
8:55PM J: It's all FMV. Guy aboard a boat writes in a diary, looks at a pic of a girl hidden inside. Turns to gameplay, we see Joseph blasting Chimera from the boat with shotguns and Chimera weapons.
8:53PM J: It's the 1950s and we've fallen to the Chimera. Joseph Capelli battles the Chimera and the remnants of humanity.
8:53PM J: Olivia Munn is having an argument with NPH about how she should have hosted. I'm convinced this conversation happened on the real not two weeks ago.
8:51PM G: "We want Black Ops to stay in your box," he said, smugly.
8:51PM J: And Black Ops wins out for best shooter in a pretty tough crop in 2010.
8:50PM G: Totally and completely.
J: He did FULLY say "fucking" right?
G: Danny DeVito, you don't have to be so blue to be funny.
8:48PM J: Or a divorce.
8:48PM G: I'm sure there's a fascinating medical study inside all this.
8:48PM J: Griff, I wish you could see Sydnee's reaction to all this. She's horrified. It's turned into "Justin Live Blogs the VGAs and Simultaneously Apologizes For All of Video Games"
8:46PM G: And the VGAs are losing by an infinity points.
8:46PM G: I feel like the VGAs are having a contest for my attention with these two, sweaty pizzas sitting on the coffee table.
8:44PM G: "If Shepard doesn't come soon, there won't be an Earth left to save." Tough luck, Earth. I'm doing some mining.
8:44PM J: There's the devastation we've seen previously, a British guy waiting for help from Shepard in what appears to be Big Ben on Earth. It. Looks. Awesome.
8:42PM J: He's here to remind us how good Mass Effect 2 was ... and introduce Mass Effect 3?
8:41PM J: Jason Ritter was just introduced as the star of the event, which confused me. He doesn't even make games. But, they meant, like, the show.
8:40PM G: It's Grandma's Boy! I love Grandma's Boy! That's not his name, but, in a way, it is.
8:39PM G: That wasn't a good driving song. You know what's a good driving song? "Radar Love."
8:37PM J: I'd love to pile on, but once you turn 30, you legally can't comment on popular music any more.
8:37PM G: This is the worst song my ears have ever heard.
8:36PM G: You got MCR'd.
8:35PM J: It's ... closer, right? I'm trying to stay posi -- oops, My Chemical Romance.
8:34PM G: Because, I kid you not, I had to switch computers in the middle of it, because my other one died. I think God is trying to keep me from covering the VGAs.
8:34PM G: That we're watching.
8:34PM G: So, what do you think so far? Of the show.
8:30PM G: Fact: Master Chief, Samus and Marcus Fenix don't have nothing on real life Rangers. Mostly because they don't have emotions.
8:29PM J: My wife is making fun of that dude's red shirt, which is, honestly, kind of heartbreaking.
8:29PM G: I agree! Especially that multiplayer. PS: I'm right behind you. A-stab.
8:29PM Best Action Adventure game is AC: Brotherhood, sounds about right.
8:28PM G: The guy playing Thor's introducing best Action-Adventure game. Hunk alert! (You can expect a lot of these tonight.)
8:27PM J: Waitaminnut ... the Thor game looks like a bad God of War rip off? I refuse to believe it.
8:26PM G: Anne Lynn McCord is the single most terrifying person that's ever been on any of these awards shows. That's a murderer's smile. Thor time!
8:26PM J: Anna Lynne McCord is the perfect fit to unveil Thor.
8:24PM J: There's a Mortal Kombat video showing Kratos in action. Jesus guys, some of us are trying to have a panic attack about Elder Scrolls V over here.
8:24PM G: Mortal Kombat trailer coming now. This doesn't seem so exciting OH KRATOS
8:22PM That was the hottest announcement of the show, and NPH was decidedly nonplussed.
8:22PM J: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim! I'm literally jumping up and down!
8:22PM G: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim announced. Coming 11/11/11.
8:22PM J: You should have acted, they're already here. The Elder Scrolls told of their return! Dramatic narration! Demonic mines! Dragon! Chanting! I'M THE KING OF BONERS!
8:21PM G: ELDER SCROLLS. I wish I could see Justin's face right now.
8:21PM J: AHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHH I'M FREAKING OUT!
8:20PM J: GUYS! GUYS! IT'S TODD HOWARD!
8:20PM J: I hope one of them is the Jersey Shore.
8:20PM J: SHIT, DRUIDS.
8:17PM J: So what are we thinking at the moment? Little classier, but still pretty cringey?
7:15PM G: Can you imagine how insane this would be if you knew nothing about video games? "An Italian man in a hood is warning me about the Templars now?"
8:14PM J: You can vote for your favorite characters, and apparently Dane Cook is going to be pretending he's their friend. And OK, now they're talking like they're at the awards and I'm DEAD INSIDE.
8:13PM J: That award gets uglier every year. But Dane Cook's gonna make it alllll OK.
8:12PM Studio of the Year? BioWare, Blizzard, Bungie, Rockstar San Diego and ... BioWare. Sure, they made a pretty good game.
7:11PM G: My favorite thing about Batman was all the drugs you injected into guards to make them projectile vomit. Right guys?
8:11PM J: It's Olivia Munn. She's wearing clothes, so a big step forward for the VGAs.
8:11PM J: More Batman fighting, not gameplay, just cinematic punching. Bats holds a guard over the roof. Professor Hugo Strange turns out to be the torturer. Looks neat, but I want more.
8:09PM J: Police captain pukes on camera. Yucko.
8:09PM J: Is Batman gonna fight dummies? OK, Arkham. We see a police captain being tortured, Batman taking out some Splinter Cell type dudes.
8:07PM J: OK, recreating the Black Ops set was kinda cool.
7:05PM G: Virtual reality overlays, and a weed joke? This is clearly *my* award show.
8:05PM J: So the augmented reality makes a VGA screensaver appear everywhere. I'M HOOKED.
7:05PM G: TSA pat-down jokes! Timely, irreverent, and not well received by the crowd.
8:03PM J: There's singing and dancing and Neil Patrick Harris pretending to shoot people and I've already got douche chills that can be seen from space.
7:03PM G: Neil Patrick Harris just killed a bunch of top hat-wearing fancy-dressed dancers on a stage. The fever dream has begun!
7:57PM J: I mean, we've done this for THREE YEARS. How is that not enough?
7:55PM J: I'm desperately spending these last few minutes trying to find someone, anyone else to watch the VGAs instead of me and Griffin.
7:43PM Is ... umm ... is this thing on?