Since most of the news this weekend has been focused on a certain soon-to-be-newcomer on the Japanese Hardware Sales charts, we thought we'd take this time to predict the sales arc the Nintendo 3DS will follow during its grand, illustrious lifetime.
  • Launch day: How many 3DSs will be sold? Um, all of them. How many can they make? Well, that's the question -- should Nintendo use it's current production method, it'd probably be in the millions. If they use witchcraft, like we've been saying this whole time, it could reach into the low-to-mid pajillions.
  • Once the 3DS is discovered to cause total blindness and facial paralysis if played with its 3D effect slider turned to exactly 63 percent, sales will decline significantly. All future units are given a special mark, denoting exactly where on the slider the dial should not be turned to. The mark is in the shape of an extremely frowny face.
  • Sales will continue to fall off as Nintendo continues to iterate on the hardware in this very order: Nintendo 3DS Lite, Nintendo 3DSi, Nintendo 3DSi LL, and then, of course, the Nintendo 4DS, which inevitably leads to the Rending of Time, which consumes all things. Sales never really recover after that one.

- PSP: 99,703 [DOWN] 77,988 (43.89%)
- Wii: 77,307 [DOWN] 54,454 (41.33%)
- PS3: 76,422 [UP] 12,194 (18.99%)
- DSi: 48,039 [DOWN] 45,425 (48.60%)
- DSi LL: 47,798 [DOWN] 44,531 (48.23%)
- PSP Go: 9,083 [UP] 3,703 (68.83%)
- DS Lite: 3,741 [DOWN] 2,049 (35.39%)
- Xbox 360: 3,708 [DOWN] 1,590 (30.01%)
- PS2: 2,480 [DOWN] 124 (4.76%)

Read: The Rending of Archives

This article was originally published on Joystiq.