Liveblogging the Spike 2011 Video Game Awards

Well, we just watched the last ten minutes of The Rundown, which means -- what else? -- we're watching Spike TV. That means two things: The VGAs are about to come on, and Sean William Scott just cut off a little piece of our soul, and devoured it wholesale.

Ladies and gentlemen: The Spike 2011 VGAs. Let's do this thing.

Oh God.
9:13PM J: Good night everybody. Remember: VGAs. 2012. Justin and Griffin! Let's do this. Or not. I can't care about anything any more.

9:12PM G: Thanks for joining us, gang.

9:11PM G: I'm closing my laptop, so unless you want to liveblog this Vampires vs. Zombies episode of Deadliest Warrior, I'm out.

9:10PM G: Sure. Whatever. Can we stop now? Can we be done?

9:09PM J: So your saying our liveblog has at least one thing in common with the VGAs.

9:07PM G: You say that every year, friend. I don't think they're listening.

9:07PM J: Just act like the awards matter guys. Don't breeze through them in 45 seconds. That won't fix everything, but it's a start.

9:05PM G: I hate this more and more every year, which I say every year, thinking that it wouldn't be mathematically possible for me to say it the following year.

9:05PM J: Final thoughts: PUKE. Griffin, your riposte?


9:03PM G: It's a lot of Raiden cutting up guys, which we knew before. Now it's got a kind of Platinum Games flair, which is appropriate, since they're developing it now.

9:03PM J: What used to look like a cool cinematic action game looks like a shitstorm brawler. Blech blech. Love the part where he runs up a thing.

9:02PM G: Man, I hope these soldiers are cyborgs, because I just saw that dudes spine get all cut up.

9:01PM G: Raiden's giving a speech about the Samurai code. Now a bunch of modern soldiers are cutting other soldiers in half, which is neat.

9:02PM J: It doesn't matter how good MGS: Rising looks because I have no reason to think it's real.

9:00PM G: Okay, now he's stumbling a lot, and the crowd is yelling at him, and everything is terrible.

9:00PM G: Kojima's on stage to share some exciting, already known MGS: Rising news. He's stumbling over his words, which is adorable.

8:59PM G: Congratulations, Bethesda. You made a great game, and deserve all the recognition in the world. Now, these balls aren't going to eat themselves.

8:59PM J: Skyrim is the game of the year. This is right and good and true.


8:57PM G: GOTY: Zelda, Skyrim, Uncharted, Arkham City -- who will it be?

8:57PM G: Too bad I won't be alive next year, because the VGAs just gave me terminal douche pneumonia.

8:56PM J: This is entirely serious: Myself and Griffin will write the VGAs next year if asked. We will do it, and it will be ... if not good, at least better.

8:52PM G: I would eat two more hours of this poop sandwich if I got to eat another new BioShock Infinite trailer for dessert.

8:52PM J: This is a beautiful thing where a woman sings Will The Circle Be Unbroken beautifully, while we see scenes of combat. It's easily the best thing of the show.

8:50PM G: New trailer for BioShock Infinite!

8:50PM J: Here's the problem, it's right here. He drank a blue flask for health. You know how little you have to know about video games to know that you drink red for health and blue for magic?

8:49PM G: Levi says he's tired, because his health bar is low. We're tired, because we are now ruined splinters of men.

8:48PM G: The whole thing's an ominous prophecy, handed down right before the world begins to end. You'd think that prophecy would have come a little sooner, huh?

8:47PM G: Neat illustrated cinematic of the world just getting wrecked by the forces of evil. Some familiar enemies up in the mix, some new ones as well, and -- hey! -- Satan himself.

8:46PM J: Here's the introductory cinematic for Diablo 3.

8:45PM G: Not because I don't appreciate Blizzard, I just don't want to watch them eat dude-balls.


8:45PM G: Jason Biggs just got bagtagged by Sean, and I don't know how much more of this I can take before I burst into flames.

8:44PM G: JK. The "Gamer God" is Blizzard. We sure hope their eternal reign is benevolent and good.

8:43PM G: They're handing out the Gamer God award, which is going to -- God! He's giving his acceptance speech in person, and ending the world as a personal favor to yours truly.

8:42PM G: Sean William Scott is on stage! He was so great in the Rundown, which Spike TV also just made me watch.

8:42PM J: This girl tearing up a printer looks tuckered out, I hope she isn't planning on refreshing with a Dr. Pepper Ten. That's illegal.

8:36PM G: Sorry, it's "Fortnite," which I assume is an edgier way of spelling it.

8:36PM G: Night falls, and a bunch of ghouls come after their new home. Fortnight.

8:35PM G: Cartoony thugs knock over a burger stand, steal some scrap metal and -- using said scrap metal, build a steel fortress.

8:35PM G: Epic's new game is about to get announced. Scavenge, build, survive: It's "Fortnight."

8:34PM J: Our brilliant brother Travis just told us his was going to the bathroom to "Make a VGA."

8:33PM G: Robert Bowling's speech went on too long, and a soldier chased him off the stage, face-humping one of his associates.


8:33PM G: GUYS


8:32PM G: GUYS

8:32PM G: GUYS

8:32PM G: And the winner is: COD: MW3. Pick up your jaws, everyone.

8:31PM G: Best Shooter award time! BF3, COD: MW3, GoW 3, R (that's short for Rage).

8:32PM J: My douche chills just extended from my body like those Prototype tendrils.

8:31PM J: Charlie. Sheen. CHARLIE. SHEEN. Chhhaarrrlieee. Sheeeeeen. C-S.

8:30PM G: Charlie Sheen sounds like he's struggling to eat every word he says.

8:30PM G: Hey, Charlie Sheen is looking oooooo-kay!

8:31PM J: Good news: I'm REALLY into these awards now.

8:30PM J: Bad news: I've only got 1/4 of this bottle of wine left.

8:29PM G: I'm confused about whether the people in the audience can see all this AR stuff on the stage. Is this like when Wolf Blitzer's hologram announced the 2008 election?

8:29PM J: Yeah, but god damn it if Phillipe Quaid didn't crush Hava Nagila.

8:26PM G: Man, I haven't been this disappointed since my dad promised that "A Quaid" would attend my Bar Mitzvah.

8:25PM G: Wait, Charlie Sheen? Chuck Sheen?

8:25PM J: You know, it makes perfect sense too, Griffin. As the Illusive Man, he brought a lot of refinement to Mass Effect 2. So he has both a connection to the industry and some gravitas. BRAVO I SAY.

8:24PM G: Oh, man, Martin Sheen's about to come out to announce the winner of Best Shooter! What a surprisingly classy twist for the evening to take. What an accomplished, beloved actor.


8:23PM J: OK, Fall of Cybertron trailer looks surprisingly a little emo, a nice counterpoint to the hackey bombast of the movies. No gameplay, but it looks like all out war, and I'm surprisingly pumped for it.

8:21PM G: Then he threatened to teabag the president of Spike on live television, so -- yeah! Watchable. It is physically possible to watch it, but barely.

8:20PM G: A vlogger raised a stink because Zelda wasn't in the GOTY running, now it is, making the VGAs -- in his words -- "Watchable."

8:18PM J: I heard if you play that last Black Keys song backwards, it'll reveal the winner of best 360 game of the year.

8:15PM G: Zach Levi's just joked that the Black Keys, ironically enough, aren't literal keys. Like, I can't.

8:11PM G: I'm seeing a lot of people on the Tweeters compare this year's VGAs to Double Dare, but I don't know about that, because Double Dare didn't make me want to kill myself and everyone around me

8:11PM J: This is an awards show as much as Giovanni Ribisi is a truck because his uncle used to have one.

8:07PM G: Women: Do you hate the VGAs? Because they hate the ever-loving shit out of you.

8:07PM G: Keep the fire, Justin.

8:06PM G: Now they're recreating my favorite part from LBP2, which is when three women eat cupcakes off a treadmill.

8:06PM J: I'm seriously at a point where I feel like were should stop covering this show. If they don't give more of a shit about their awards, why should we?

8:06PM G: Best Graphics: Uncharted 3, Best Motion: Zelda, Best Fighting: Mortal Kombat, Best Indie: Minecraft, Best Mobile: Mario 3DS, Best Downloadable: Bastion, Best Individual Sports: Fight Night, Best Performance: Ellen McClain in Portal.

8:06PM J: Oh, awesome, now's the part where they'll give away ALL THE AWARDS.

8:05PM J: "Hey brothers! My last game was like an abortion on a disc that you can buy on a disc! That's for having me."

8:04PM G: Spider-Man just hates robots so much, you guys.

8:05PM J: We see robots attacking NYC and Spider-man on live news footage battling them. Looks great, but I wish we'd focused on locomotion rather than combat.

8:03PM J: Tony Hawk is showing off Amazing Spider-Man. I'm ready to believe and subsequently get my heart broken.

8:00PM J: So, seriously: In terms of actual, real-ass awards. Did they really just hand out a SINGLE award in the first HOUR?

7:56PM G: SO! We're at the one hour mark, and we've got a Hall of Fame inductee, the Most Anticipated game award, and Best Action-Adventure game award. That's gotta be a new record, right?

7:55PM G: Don't you take Felicia Day from me with a sword-accident, God. I don't deserve that.

7:55PM G: Know what goes really well together, sharp swords, floors slickened by fruit guts and live television.

7:55PM J: Again, balancing out the worthwhile content: Felicia Day slicing fruit. VGAs are cribbing content from Gallagher: The Maddest.

7:54PM J: The fact of the matter is this. Putting more Shigeru Miyamotos on stage and fewer Brook-Brook Deckers is the key to this whole thing becoming worthwhile.

7:53PM G: Seriously, after 25 years of being hugely, hugely successful and popular, I'm psyched that Spike could break Zelda off a piece.

7:53PM J: Legend of Zelda is the first ever inductee into the Video Game Hall of Fame. Is that the whole franchise?

7:51PM G: Glad that Zelda is finally getting the recognition it deserves.

7:51PM J: C'mon Seth, bust us out of this.

7:51PM J: Alan Wake is way up in that flannel. We've got Mr. Scratch, FMV, some better looking combat and ... well, shit gang, I'm just happy to get more AW.

7:49PM G: They're making jokes about how Hitchcock's name ends with ... you know.

7:50PM J: Alan Wake's American Nightmare is up now.

7:49PM G: Guys, who are these guys, seriously

7:48PM G: "The way this evening is going, I wouldn't be surprised if this Skyrim trailer was interrupted by Dr. Pepper having a boner." -- Our sagacious brother, Travis

7:48PM J: WHAT. THE. FUCK. I just saw Col. Sanders give trailer of the year award to ... well, that doesn't matter, cause it wasn't fried chicken-related, and that's basically the only venue in which I seek his counsel.


7:45PM J: That's ... a pretty boss commercial for Darksiders II. Not part of the show, but still: Boss.

7:42PM G: I'm getting whiplash from the tone changes in this show. "TERRORIST ATTACK!" "Remember the veterans." "FART JOKE!" "Games for children's hospitals." "HERE IS A MAN WEARING A MOUSE HEAD!"

7:42PM J: There's nothing that makes my service worthwhile like fictional military shooting guys giving me an attaboy. (Kidding aside: Good intentions, Activision. I think that's kinda nice.)

7:41PM J: Rainbow 6: Patriots showed some highly disgruntled 99 percenters throwing a rich guy through a window. If they are the good guys, I'm SERIOUSLY excited about that game.

7:39PM G: Yikes.

7:39PM G: Never thought a Jonas would make me want to buy a bomb shelter for my family, but well, here we are.

7:38PM G: Kevin Jonas gettin' dark with this Rainbow Six: Patriots intro.

7:39PM J: Watching someone I like host the VGAs is like that scene in MGS 4 where Snake crawls through a deadly tunnel while being bombarded with radiation.

7:37PM G: Even Zach Levi called Arkham City "Arkham Asylum." Nobody's perfect, you guys. Especially not Zach Levi.

7:36PM J: Which is everybody's favorite Jonas brother? Mine's the first one who's willing to walk in this room and cut my head off with a katana so I can stop this thing I'm doing.

7:34PM G: Half the people in the world are women, Dr. Pepper. Good work, telling them not to bev out with you.

7:34PM G: Apologies for the language: Are you fucking kidding me with this "It's Not For Women" Dr. Pepper ad campaign? This is a thing Dr. Pepper agreed would move beverages off the shelves?

7:32PM G: Not counting "Most Anticipated Game," which, is that an award?

7:31PM G: 30 minutes in, and, what, one award so far?

7:31PM J: And they follow that up with Felicia Day and a Jonas Brother jumping at a wall. Like, like, is there some balance? Is there an equilibrium they have to maintain?

7:30PM J: OK, some Child's Play coverage, this is pretty much unassailably cool, right?

7:29PM G: Command and Conquer Generals 2! Coming in 2013.

7:29PM G: Frostbite 2 engine, looks likes some tanks and other heavy artillery are just ... they're just blowing the shit out of a city.

7:28PM G: BioWare's new game is getting announced! Fingers crossed.

7:29PM J: Sorry, the sandworm was eating the Reaper.

7:28PM G: Shepard seems to be yelling more horrified swears than in previous installations. MY Shepard would never yell "OH SHIT" when facing off against a skyscraper-sized robot.

7:28PM J: Finally, some gameplay footage from Mass Effecct 3. Shepard's running up on a Reaper like a thug, that big Krogan is there. Now a sandworm is eating the It's bananas, but I'm pretty sure it's all cinematic.

7:27PM J: Legally speaking, LL Cool J will have to change his name after this.

7:26PM G: LL! (Cool J.) (He's on the stage now.)

7:26PM J: Can we just keep the Joker out of this?

7:25PM G: I wonder if "you're hosting the VGAs" is applicable.

7:24PM G: Levy is now doing a Jeff Foxworthy-esque riff on bad behavior in online games. "If ___, you're a douchebag!"

7:25PM J: "Gentlemen: We've done it. It's Humorium, the most realistic joke-like substance known to man. To test it: We've decided to construct an entire show out of it. It's called the VGAs."

7:24PM G: Zach Levy is introducing a bit called "Press Pause," which is good, because it's been so high octane up until now.

7:23PM J: Every commercial on this show looks like a god damn ad for ring tones.

7:21PM G: Spike just ran a commercial for a kind of Dr. Pepper which is apparently illegal for women to drink, which is nice, since we're watching this with our wives and girlfriends.

7:20PM G: When Skrillex invented dubstep, he destroyed his own face in the process. It was the sacrifice the island demanded.

7:20PM J: Skrillex has been a mouse this whole time.

7:19PM G: Skrillex wears a mask because his beats are too dope for his face to stay on his head.

7:19PM J: OK, Griffin, I'm old. Is that Skrillex? Why is Skrillex wearing a mask?

7:17PM G: "Here is your award, and also your sex crime."

7:17PM G: OH MY GOD I can't believe the two guys from Rocksteady just got teabagged.

7:16PM G: Brooklyn Decker knows the visceral thrill of opening up a new video game. Also, the thrills of being super rich and pretty and tall.

7:17PM J: Batman: Arkham City. That's probably on the money.

7:16PM J: OK, time for best action/adventure game: AC:R, Batman, Zelda, Uncharted 3 ... and it's ...

7:16PM J: I think I speak for everyone when I say "Finally, a post-apocalyptic game with zombies in it."

7:15PM G: Or hairs! I don't mean to split those either. Regardless: Naughty Dog is making a zombie game. The Last of Us, pubbed by Sony.

7:14PM G: That zombie had a super, super bumpy head. Maybe a mutant? I don't mean to split haris.

7:14PM G: A young girl is running around a gnarly crime scene -- her and her partner kill another guy, take some ammo off him. Possible zombies?

7:13PM G: The Last of Us! New game from Naughty Dog.

7:12PM G: Portal 2 was my game of the year like half of the year ago.

7:13PM J: Will.I.Am almost beefed it on the steps. Narrowly skirting worthwhile entertainment.

7:11PM G: If getting teabagged by a stranger on a stage is gamer-style, then ... I don't know. I'm gonna get really into books, or something.

7:11PM J: I'm glad we have all this. All these things. As opposed to all the awards they gave away before the show.

7:10PM J: Hey everyone? Can we just stop saying "gamers" please? Like, ever?

7:09PM G: I just watched a man get teabagged on a stage in front of other people. It is still going on. Still going on. Still happening.

7:08PM G: Apparently they already gave away a bunch of awards and stuff, which is great, because I really hate it when those make their way into awards shows.

7:06PM Griffin here. Justin and I (and the rest of team Joystiq) have a hundred beers. They're showing off all the augmented reality characters that are sharing the stage with Zachary Levy, so we think we're probably going to need them.

This article was originally published on Joystiq.