The crab wasn't playing fair. As the gatekeeper between worlds, the crab guarded the beach into the underworld, the dark mirror of Azeroth where all things were possible. Lolegolas was getting annoyed.
"Fine, then," the crab finally conceded. "I will let you pass through the murky depths into the underworld, where all things are tested, if you can succeed in one final challenge."
Lolegolas snorted. "We are ready! Present your test, my fine seafood."
The crab gestured with a shockingly well-manicured claw. From under the waters, a massive figure strolled toward the group. Lolegolas gasped at the size of the man. He was so muscled that even his biceps seemed to have biceps of his own.
"A wrestling match," the crab quipped. "It's a lot like being on the forums."
"Dunno if I can win this," Throgg said. "I'm not really feeling anger right now so much as ... vague disapproval."
"We'll just have to get you angry," the blood elf said.
"Not sure we can do that," the orc replied. "I'm mostly worried about Miranda."
"Firefly was cancelled to make room for Glen Beck!"
Throgg snarled a bit.
"All of Season 8 was a dream! Spiderman made the deal with Mephisto because he was never really in love with MJ!"
"Working," Throgg said with a deep growl. "Keep going."
"Think about Stephanie Brown not getting a memorial in the Batcave!" Lolegolas tugged at his hair, thinking furiously. "Oh, hey, wasn't Shepard's ending a bummer? Ianto's death really sucked."
Throgg stamped a foot angrily. Lolegolas nearly stumbled; it felt like the earth moved.
"Gonna crush this guy," Throgg snarled.
Lolegolas took a deep breath and went for the final gambit. He leaned in closely to his friend and whispered. "Han was only defending himself. Greedo shot first."
The bellow that issued from Throgg rebounded across distant mountains. He threw his arms forward and flexed with such ferocity that his shirt shredded to pieces. Bits of fabric floated in the air like discarded butterflies. Only his Very Manly Leggings preserved his modesty. "Throgg smash!"
With a barbaric yawp, Throgg launched into battle against the mysterious figure.
"I think you got this one," the crab said mildly. "I'll leave the door open for your worgen friend."
"I appreciate that," Lolegolas said. "Much obliged."
Special note: Thanks to all the Twitter peeps for help choosing the right rage-makers! Also, props to Anne Stickney for the image.
Phat Loot Phriday brings you the scoop on some of the most ... interesting ... loot in the World of Warcraft, often viewed through the eyes of the stalwart Throgg and indelible Lolegolas. Suggest items you think we should feature by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org.