Chaos Theory: The Secret World shaken, not stirred

Chaos Theory   The Secret World shaken, not stirred
For all those who've been trying so hard to predict gloom and doom for The Secret World, I say Nyeh nyeh because the April producer's letter announcing Issue #7 pretty much flies in the face of all your it's-gonna-die whimperings. In fact, I can't believe we still hear them because TSW just keeps getting better and better. Where's the duct tape when you need it...

While it's true we don't have monthly updates anymore (and that's totally understandable, given the restructuring that devs certainly couldn't predict), Secret World fans are still getting frequent, and more importantly extremely fun, updates. Just look at The Vanishing of Tyler Freeborn and The Last Train to Cairo; both of these issues brought interesting new storylines and a decent helping of new features. Some even say these updates introduced the best content so far. With that track record, who can't help but be totally psyched for the upcoming Issue #7?

We just talked about how the last two issues have brought some pretty spiffy and extremely fun content to the game, content that was not some rehashing of old stuff spewed out just for the sake of getting something out to the public and satisfying the masses. The content was new and refreshing. Even better, Issue #6 utilized and expanded on stories and characters that were already in game, making the world even richer and drawing players deeper into the conspiracies. So here's the predicament: How does Funcom equal, or even top, that? Bond, baby, that's how! Yup, you just focus the entire DLC around a James Bond theme. After all, who hasn't wanted to play at being the famous spy, complete with the coolest gadgets?

Moose making gadgets.
Here's what we know about the Bond-esque content: It will pretty well run the gamut of required spy thriller milieu. The adventures involve high-speed chases, explosions, nifty gadgets, base-jumping, and -- how does the announcement put it -- "escaping from an awkward laser-beam crotch situation." I mean, what spy movie doesn't have that?! You simply can't be a spy without having lasers threatening your nether regions at least once. But wait, something's still missing... what about the Bond Girl? Well, I think the "stunning Council of Venice agent" may very well cover that role.

Sounds exciting, no? Well, that's really not the half of it!

 Can I get a lift?
Got Bike?Before delving into the other goodies that the as-of-yet-unnamed update brings, I want to focus on one little part that might just be giving us a hint of something even bigger. Not too terribly long ago I made a plea for adding some type of vehicles in The Secret World. I wasn't really talking about jetting from place to place even more quickly as much as I was talking about the immersion of grabbing a bike or a motorcycle that's lying around, hopping on, and checking out the countryside. It doesn't help that I simply am a fan of racing about with the wind in my hair, be it in a car or on a crotch rocket. And that desire to ride like the wind spills over into the game. So it's understandable that the line teasing this possibility really popped out at me. Could it be that such a thing is in the not-too-distant future?

The producer's letter quite blatantly says that players will be living the life of a spy including a snowmobile chase. Now while I understand that this could very well just mean a beautifully scripted cutscene, I can't help but feel that spark of hope that we as players could get to maneuver that snowmobile during the chase. Even if it is in limited fashion, I'd be ecstatic to get to in the driver's seat for this race. Beyond giving the thrill of finally getting to drive, it would give me hope that some day we might actually realize that dream of venturing forth through the various zones on two wheels. Oh please, oh please let it be more than a cutscene! Unlikely? Sure. But a girl can dream, can't she? I've already got a helmet and everything.

A pyro's dream
On the subject of dreams: Although my wish for vehicles is a long-shot at best, another dream is assured in Issue #7. Ever since that first time I held the flamethrower in Kingsmouth and then cruelly had its fiery power stripped away after the quest was over, I've dreamed of getting that weapon in game. Oh, yes, my friends -- I am unabashedly a pyro at heart. (And deed, but we totally are not going into that here... watch Massively TV on Tuesday, May 14th, at 10 p.m. and maybe I'll tell you the stories.) Finally, that dream of flinging fire at my foes is coming true!

Me and my flame thrower!
The moment that next DLC comes available I am making a beeline for the flamethrower auxiliary weapon. I don't care that it is in a zone I cannot get to quite yet; no matter what it takes, I will be there to wrap my pretty little hands around the barrel of that blaze-making beauty. I will revel in checking out the various wall of fire, napalm, and other flame-spraying abilities. Oh, flamethrower, the fun we can have together... perhaps I shall even call you Vera.

*Ahem* Uh, maybe you should all fear once I have an incendiary device in my grasp. Unless you'd like to join me in my maniacal glee. If not, at least you have time to get far, far away from me before then: There's no date set for the release of Issue #7. I am going to venture that it will come out in mid-June to early July. I say this because I don't think that we would have been given the details we were if it were too far away. And besides, from announcement to deployment for Issue #6 was only three weeks, so I think two months will be plenty of lead time for its successor to arrive.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some serious advancing to do to get ready for this next adventure. Vera, we will be together soon, my dear!

Conspiracies, paranoia, secrets, and chaos -- the breakfast of champions! Feast on a bowlful with MJ every Monday as she infiltrates The Secret World to bring you the latest word on the streets of Gaia in Chaos Theory. Heard some juicy whispers or have a few leads you want followed? Send them to and she'll jump on the case!
This article was originally published on Massively.