Rumor Roundup: What's your favorite scary headline?

Now that Apple has presumably announced everything it's going to sell in 2013, that must mean the deafening roar of dumb rumors will die down for awhi -- hahahaa, no, it's just as bad as ever. And as a special treat, rumor blogs are also putting on their own "analyst" hats and pretending they know what they're talking about when it comes to Apple's future plans. It's kind of adorable and heartbreaking at the same time, like a puppy with a concussion. Staggering around... trying to find his way. You keep it up, little guy. You -- *sniff* -- you keep it up.

More evidence suggests that the iPhone 5c is a dud (BGR)

BGR's definition of "evidence" is as scanty as it always is when it comes to their sources, and its "analysis" (heavy sarcasm quotes) is predictably dumb. "If [Apple] expected that a cheaper iPhone would sell at equal or higher volurmes than the iPhone 5s, then it was sorely mistaken," BGR notes. Well, I guess Apple will have to cry itself to sleep on a bed fashioned from the billions of dollars it's making off the more expensive iPhone 5s, then.

BGR also says this result is "somewhat surprising given that the 5c was billed by many as a lower cost alternative that would appeal to more budget minded consumers." In other words, they're still clinging to the notion that the 5c was supposed to be the long-rumored "low cost" iPhone rather than the mid-tier model that actually debuted.

(Aside: it still warms my heart that the iPhone 5c's pricing made two years worth of analyst ranting and ravings about a "low-cost" iPhone designed to chase after market share at the expense of profit look like the pure stupidity that it always was. Ahhh, the afterglow.)

Laying all that aside, please tell me how after only two months on the market an iPhone that accounts for nearly 2 percent of all iPhones counts as a "dud." We're talking about hundreds of millions of devices out there. Two percent of hundreds of millions is still a hell of a lot.

Opinion: What can we expect from the elusive Apple Television? (9to5 Mac)

This entire piece is sure to give Gene "Where's my Apple HDTV?" Munster his weekly jolt, but for the rest of us, it's pure... what's a more polite word for -- (Let's go with "fantasy" here, sir. --Ed)

The question no one ever seems to ask regarding a possible Apple HDTV is, "Why?" Why would Apple enter a saturated, low-margin, low-yield market? The iPhone succeeded in the mobile phone market because it brought something truly new to the landscape, and Apple continues to benefit from the iPhone because people still generally view mobile phones as "disposable" tech to be renewed every 2-3 years. How many people do you know who are swapping out their televisions that often?

People have been expecting Apple to produce an HDTV for years, but it keeps not happening. I suspect it's because Apple knows better. Too bad virtually no one else seems capable of catching a clue.

Rumor: LG nearing deal to supply 'iWatch' OLEDs, Samsung not a candidate (AppleInsider)

Apple has shown zero interest in adopting OLED technology in any of its devices, and the iWatch is nothing more than an analyst's LSD trip. "Hard evidence supporting a near-future debut" for the iWatch "has yet to surface" according to AppleInsider. That's probably because the iWatch is and always has been a profoundly stupid idea.

Rumor: Big-screen 'iPhone 6' coming Sept. 2014, Apple to focus on one-handed use (AppleInsider)

No one outside of Apple has any idea what the 2014 iPhone will be like. Period. The source of this story, "Japanese magazine Mac Fan" is just trolling for page views, and AppleInsider (among many other rumor blogs) is just doing the same by passing it along as though it's the least bit credible.

How far can fanboys carry Apple? (BGR)

BGR does us all a favor by using the F-word in its headline, which immediately outs the article as completely devoid of anything approaching intellectual value. Aside from the fact that this is (of course) sourced from a know-nothing analyst, anyone who is still claiming that Apple's profits are driven or maintained by "fanboys" is simply not paying even the most rudimentary attention to the market.

The "fanboy" argument might have made sense in 2007 or 2008, when iPhone sales were in the mere millions. It makes absolutely zero sense now that Apple sells 30 million or more iPhones every quarter.

Apple's success is thoroughly and absolutely mainstream. It has been ever since the first time the company sold ten million iPods in a year. Apple's 100+ billion dollar stockpile of cash has nothing to do with "fanboys" and everything to do with normal human beings who don't give a rip about your pathetic attempts to stereotype them.

Accept it. Period.

Target takes a guess at Retina iPad mini launch date: Thursday, Nov. 21st (9to5 Mac)

From the article: "We believe this is more than likely a speculative date as retailers like Target don't usually get such early information." Several lifetimes ago, I used to work for Target. I can guarantee the company has absolutely zero concrete information on when the Retina iPad mini will be available.

iOS 7: The perfect mobile platform for murderers (BGR)

This has to be the link-baitiest headline on the link-baitiest blog in the history of ever.

"Ok, so iOS 7 isn't the most beloved software Apple has ever released," BGR claims, which follows in their time-honored tradition of making broad statements that completely fly in the face of the facts. If iOS 7 is so controversial or "unloved," then why is it that two-thirds of all iOS users are running it on their devices less than two months after its launch?

Worse for BGR's rapidly fading credibility, the spoof video they use as a source for this story has absolutely nothing to do with iOS 7 itself. The devices in the video are all indeed running the latest version of iOS, but the video consists of a collection of traditional horror movie tropes related to mobile phones rather than anything specifically related to iOS 7.

Run! The stupidity is coming from inside the house!!!