I played this top-selling game 100 times, and this is what I learned

Let me start out by saying that I love Soccer Physics. So do a lot of other people, and it's managed to reach a Top 25 overall spot on the App Store's games list, which is quite a feat. It's an absurd game where your two-man team attempts to score a goal on two opponents using a single button which causes both of your players to jump. As you might imagine, it's not particularly easy, but the random nature of the game and matches that last just a few seconds make it extremely addicting.

Random modifiers add to the game's insanity, and sometimes the soccer ball will be replaced by a beach ball, goals will randomly become huge or extremely tiny, and occasionally your players' heads will be removed for no good reason. It's a lot of fun either by yourself or with a friend, and it's absolutely worth the US$1.99 price tag.

That being said, it quite literally doesn't matter what you do in the game, as the results will be the same either way. The ball will end up in your net half of the time, and in your opponent's goal the other half. That's it.

The one-button control scheme produces such inconsistent results that I began to suspect I was better off not actually touching anything, and just letting the opponents score on themselves over and over again. To test this theory, I played 100 matches. For the first 50 I played as I normally do, attempting to time my jumps to angle the ball across the field and past my opponents. I started off in a slump but made a nice comeback towards the end, and arrived at the following score (I'm the blue team, by the way):

Perfectly even. My skills are the same as that of the computer, which is good, right? Maybe, but maybe not. For the next 50 matches I let my players sit perfectly still. Even if the ball got stuck between them, I didn't push the single button that would free it, I simply waited until the opposing team began to jump randomly and knocked it loose, one way or the other. With no real opposition, it was bound to be a bloodbath, or so you might think. Here's how it ended:

My team, without moving a muscle, managed to score 24 goals. That's just one less goal than when they were flying around the stage in a desperate attempt to score points. In short, I may as well not have been playing the first time, either.

It's up to you whether you think this means the game is pointless or not. Strangely, I'm perfectly OK with a game being so totally impossible to learn that it doesn't matter whether you try or not. Either way, it's still a lot of fun.