Hysteria
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Vote for which new shows Amazon should give the green light to
Amazon may be fighting with Hachette and Disney, but it's still got enough energy to try and beat Netflix at its own game. The bookseller has announced its third pilot season, asking members of the public to determine which of five new original TV series will be given a full series by Bezos and his chums. This time around, three comedies and two hefty dramas will be screened on the retailer's website on August 28th in the US and the UK, of which the most praised and watched will arrive on Prime Instant Video in due course. If you're excited at the prospect of playing armchair TV executive, we've prepared a print-out-and-keep guide for what to expect.
Expensive corn dogs, plus 10 other things that are totally Apple's fault
Seattle Times columnist Brier Dudley speculates that we should expect the price of corn dogs to skyrocket from US$0.99 to $1.50 each. Since Dudley's report, U.S. financial markets have been in a tailspin over the news. Who does financial speculator Dudley say we should blame for the rising price of corn dogs? Steve Jobs. Of course. It all fits. You see, according to Dudley, small business owners enamored with the iPad will use any excuse they can find to justify owning one. "It'll help my business be more productive," corn dog vendors will say, but Dudley says this is a trap: These hapless souls will be snared into Apple's annual cycle of iPad upgrades, forcing them to shell out thousands of dollars in costs per year. Following basic economic principles, Dudley therefore expects those rising operating costs to be passed on to consumers. Therefore, you'll be paying half again as much for your corn dogs as you were last year, and it's all because Apple has hypnotized everyone into buying iPads whether they need them or not. I know you want seconds on the corn dogs, but there's no reason to shout. Dudley has no idea how deep the rabbit hole really goes. Corn dogs are only the beginning. Put on your aluminum thinking caps and follow along as I unveil the true extent of Apple's nefarious plans for world domination. We're through the looking glass here, people. 1. Brain cancer Did you know the iPhone is the most dangerous cell phone ever? Dr. Joseph Mercola sounded the warning two years ago, but nobody listened. Now, every time you send your Angry Birds high score to Game Center or FaceTime with your grandparents, you're not just getting a dose of endorphins from your brain's pleasure center -- you're also soaking up neuron-killing microwaves! Everybody panic! 2. Hearing loss iPod use causes deaf- I SAID, IPOD USE CAUSES DEAFNESS. Those white earbuds are basically the aural equivalent of staring directly at the sun during an eclipse; experts all say don't do it, but you just couldn't listen, could you? I SAID, YOU JUST COULDN'T- oh, forget it. 3. Unemployment The iPad is a job killer! You know it has to be true, because a Congressman said so. Those guys know how to kill jobs. Digital downloads are causing stores like Borders to shut down, and it's all Apple's fault! Damn its wildly popular iBookstore! But there's another underhanded scheme behind U.S. unemployment at work here... 4. Underage Chinese labor Apple uses child labor! They admitted it! Hundreds of thousands (11) of tiny (15-year-old) hands built your iPhone in terrible factory conditions. Next time you unlock your iPhone, think about how all eleven of those 15-year-old Chinese workers were unable to unlock themselves from Foxconn's chain gang (until Apple found out about them, anyway). And as we all know, no one else makes products at Foxconn's doom factories; once again, it's all Apple's fault. 5. Addiction Frankly, it wouldn't matter if Apple's products were manufactured by bipedal, enslaved factory-worker kittens genetically engineered to be as sympathetically cute (and productive) as possible. Why? Because Apple has us all addicted to the iPhone. That's the core of the company's grand scheme right there: create products so compelling that we can't put them -- hang on, checking my Twitter stream -- down. Apple purposefully designed the device to be compelling for only 12-14 months, however, which means by the time the next one comes out, the iPhone you have will feel like a useless piece of junk. All part of Apple's plans to keep you in... 6. Poverty Apple doesn't give away software upgrades like Snow Leopard or Lion for free to people running older operating systems. And you know what that means? Well, it means you have to pay for them! That's money that could've gone toward rent or getting braces for little Suzie, but nooooo... greedy old Apple insists on charging money for its products! It doesn't help matters that Apple intentionally breaks its older products to get you to buy new ones, then purposefully engineers basic flaws in its newer products in order to force you to buy accessories! Where does it all end? To the mines with you! 7. Crime Four years ago, the NY Daily News determined that the iPod was singlehandedly responsible for a nationwide crime wave. But did we listen? Of course not! And four years later, now that Apple makes products even more desirable than the iPods of old, crime is higher than ever. 8. Climate change Apple's leading the charge into cloud-based computing, but as Greenpeace wisely pointed out last year, clouds cause shifts in climate! All those data centers have to get their power from somewhere. Apple hasn't yet figured out how to transmute cash directly into electricity, which I suppose is lucky for coal plants run by people who turn electricity into cash. It's unlucky for the rest of us, though -- those of you in coastal cities had better buy waterproof cases for your iPhones. You know what's craziest about this? Al Gore is on Apple's board of directors! The guy who brought the whole climate change thing into the limelight! It really IS a conspiracy! 9. Espionage "Big Brother is watching you." It's more than a line from George Orwell's 1984, it's the literal truth. Underground bunkers buried deeply beneath Cupertino monitor your every move via the iPhone in your pocket. From atop his throne built entirely from $1000 bills, Steve Jobs sits before a bank of 10,000 Apple Cinema Displays that let him know, at any moment of his choosing, exactly when you start playing Flight Control in the bathroom. Oh sure, Apple says they never used that data for anything, and they say they've fixed the "bug," but that's exactly what you'd expect them to say, isn't it? 10. War Apple has declared war on everything. War on Flash. War on Google. War on Amazon. War on Samsung. War on Microsoft. War on Nintendo and Sony. War on publishers. War on developers. War on users. War on Porn! An entity willing to go to war with so many combatants, simultaneously, can only have one goal in mind: total, global domination. We've grown so used to reading the headline snippet, "Apple declares war on (x)," that it's unlikely we'll notice at all when (x) turns out to be "humanity." And how are we supposed to stop Apple when it rises, gargantuan, monolithic, from its long slumber beneath Cupertino's bedrock to enslave us all? How can we battle against Apple and its legions of underaged factory workers when we're all addled with brain cancer, deaf, unemployed, poor, terrified of crime, swimming for high ground, and so addicted to our iDevices that we don't even notice when they report our locations to the Thought Police? How, dear comrades, can we win the day without corn dogs?
The Perfect Ten: Phases of pre-launch hysteria
One of my private theories about MMO players -- one I'm now making public -- is that we all have the collective memories of goldfish. It's the only way to explain why we go through the same exact phases each and every time an MMO nears launch, all the while acting as though this has never happened before. In a way, it's kind of cute. You're cute, MMO community! Really, it's just one of those events during which everyone starts rational yet slowly but surely slides down into the multi-colored stomach of hysteria. It's why MMO communities pre-beta tend to be tight, intelligent and excited, but from beta through launch they lose their cool and become a morass of screeching monkeys, flinging poo every which way in a vain effort to be heard above the noise of the zoo. Mind you, I've been one of these monkeys, so I'm not excusing myself from this metaphor. So if you're wondering why the blissful excitement of anticipating a game has fractured under the weight of inconsolable insanity, I'm here to walk you through the 10 phases of how and why this happens for most major MMO launches.
Lichborne: Elementary death knight macros
Welcome to Lichborne, your weekly peek into the world of the death knight. Your host, Daniel Whitcomb, is enjoying the most wonderful time of the year, when a death knight can hang around in his natural habitat all day long without seeming creepy. Or no creepier than usual, at least. As you approach the end game of WoW, one thing you may find out quickly is that the proper use of macros is a great way to take your game to the next level. Sometimes they streamline moves, other times they allow you to perform actions that would be otherwise impossible. Death knights are definitely no exception, and though we'd be here all week if I went through all the ins and out of macro theory, or even death knight macro theory, I figure right now is still a good time to get you started. Let's look at a few basic essential macros for the various roles and trees of the class.
Encrypted Text: Rogue arena comps in the 2v2 bracket
Every Wednesday, Chase Christian of Encrypted Text invites you to enter the world of shadows, as we explore the secrets and mechanics of the Rogue class. This week, we'll discuss the best arena compositions for Rogues in 2v2.Ask anyone; Rogues are an easy choice for the DPS component of almost any 2v2 arena team. We've got the cooldowns to tip short fights in our favor and we have the burst capacity to drop a target even with enemy healers furiously spamming Holy spells. I believe that as some of the truly overpowered spells are toned down (I'm looking at you Explosive Shot, Sacred Shield, and Chains of Ice) that Rogues will claim their stake as one of the top PvP classes worldwide.Rogues have the luxury of being one of the most potent classes in small-scale PvP environments. While we often make little difference in a vast war scenario like Wintergrasp, we are the masters of isolated combat. Due to our flexibility in both offensive and defensive abilities, we can hold our own with or without a healer to support us. This allows us to choose from a vast range of partners and playstyles. Read on to see what team compositions (comps) work best to compliment a Rogue's abilities.
Lichborne: Talents for catching up
Welcome to Lichborne, where Daniel Whitcomb is doing some last minute agonizing over what face to give his Death Knight on Thursday.So there are quite a few of us, I imagine, who are still on track to switch to a Death Knight, or at least play one quite extensively, immediately when Wrath of the Lich King hits the live servers. But the fact remains that you'll be 15 levels behind everyone to start, and if you have friends to catch up to, you're going to want to get up there pretty quickly, most likely. Even if you plan to take it slow, you'll still want a good effective leveling build, most likely. So today, we'll look at three solid solo DPS builds from each tree, and discuss how to use them most effectively for grinding and leveling.
WWI '08 Death Knight Demo: Blood spells and talents
The Blood tree was originally designated as the primary DPS tree, and a lot of the talents still reflect that, such as Dark Conviction, the ever-present critical strike talent, and Dancing Rune Weapon, the 51 point talent. However, it's also worth noting that the Blood tree provides quite a few healing skills and talents which may end up making it a useful type of tanking tree via allowing the Death Knight to keep himself healed and keep a bit of grief off his healers: for example, Death Pact will be useful for finishing off a ghoul who's about to die anyway and getting a bit of health back. Below is a selection of some of the spells and talents available to Death Knights in the WWI demo. Blood Spells: Blood Presence:Requires level 55Costs 1 Blood RuneInstant cast, 1 second cooldownDescription: Strengthens the Death Knight with the presence of blood, increasing damage done by 15% and healing the Death Knight by 4% of damage dealt. Only one presence may be active at a time. Blood Strike:Requires level 55Costs 1 Blood RuneInstant cast, 1 second cooldownMelee rangeDescription: Instantly strike the enemy, causing 60% weapon damage plus 55 for each disease effect on the target.Blood Tap:Requires level 64Description: Immediately activates a blood rune and temporarily converts it into a death rune. this rune counts as a blood, unholy, or frost rune. lasts 10 seconds.Death Pact: Requires level 66. Description: Sacrifice an undead minion, healing the Death knight for 1200 healthBlood Talents:Rune TapRequires 10 talent pointsInstant cast, 1 minute cooldown.Description: Converts 1 Blood Rune into 10% of your maximum health.Dark ConvictionRequires 10 talent pointsCosts up to 5 talent pointsDescription: Increases your chance to get a critical strike with melee weapons by 1% per talent point.Improved Rune TapRequires 15 talent points, Rune TapCosts up to 3 talent pointsDescription: Improves Rune Tap's health gain by 15% per talent pointVendetta Requires 15 talent pointsCosts up to 2 talent pointsDescription: Heals you for 3% of your total health per talent point whenever you kill a target that yields experience or honorScent of Blood Requires 20 talent pointsCosts up to 3 talent points Description: After being struck by a ranged or melee critical hit, you gain the Scent of Blood effect, causing your next 2 melee hits to steal life from the enemy. lasts for 12s. this effect can not occur more often than once every 12 seconds (Note: the effect of putting more than one talent point in this skill is not yet listed in the description). Blade Barrier Requires 20 talent pointsCosts up to 3 talent points Description: Whenever you have no runes active, your parry chance increases by 5% per talent point for the next 8 seconds.Mark of Blood Requires 20 talent pointsCosts 1 Blood Rune, 1 Unholy Rune Instant cast30 yard rangeDescription: Place a mark of blood on an enemy. whenever the marked target is healed, all party members receive 5% of that healing (up to a maximum of 5% of the Death Knight's health). if a marked target that grants experience or honor is killed, all party members are healed for 10% of their total health. Lasts 3 minutes.Hysteria Requires 30 talent pointsCosts 1 Blood Rune, 1 Unholy RuneInstant cast, 2 minute cooldown30 yard RangeDescription: Induces a friendly unit into a killing frenzy for 30s, increasing their physical damage by 20% but causing them to suffer damage equal to 1% of their total health every second.Heart StrikeRequires 40 Talent Points Costs 1 Blood Rune Requires melee weaponNext MeleeDescription: A debilitating attack that lowers the target's total health by up to 20% for 30 seconds.Dancing Rune WeaponRequires 50 talent pointsRequires Runic PowerRequires melee weaponInstant, 1 minute cooldownDescription: Unleashes all available runic power to summon a second rune weapon that fights on its own for 1s per 5 runic power, doing the same attacks that you do.
