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Zero Punctuation beats up Smash Bros. Brawl ... you're surprised?
This is the Zero Punctuation that'll make the Nintendo Defense Force mobilize and threaten nuclear annihilation. This week Yahtzee takes on one of the Wii's golden cows with his review wholesale bludgeoning of Super Smash Bros. Brawl. For those just joining the ZP party, Yahtzee doesn't like Nintendo very much. If you love SSBB, great. If you don't like it, that's great too. Just sit back and enjoy the review for the spectacle in hatred it is.Fanboys, prepare for masochism after the break with this week's NSFW review of Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
Zero Punctuation believes in No More Heroes
Zero Punctuation discovers that we could use another hero (and a way home) in this week's review of Suda 51's No More Heroes. Rightful finger-pointing at Suda 51's pretentiousness starts the review, but it soon gets slashed away by Yahtzee's belief that No More Heroes does offer something "different." As we all know, "different" is this industry's version of the Monopoly "Get Out of Jail Free" card. It won't save a game from nasty reviews, but the cuts are certainly less deep.Thunderdome your way to this week's NSFW review of No More Heroes after the break.
Zero Punctuation is an army of one in Army of Two
The normally solitary Yahtzee (he is a PC snob after all) takes on Army of Two this week, a game designed to be played co-op -- so we already know this is going to end badly. After becoming frustrated with his computer partner's AI, he decides to invite a friend over and proceeds to become frustrated with his human companion's abilities as well. Like any listener of the Joystiq Podcast already knows, Army of Two has a lot of issues, the least of which is forgetting that for a co-op action shooter it sort of missed the boat on creating an enjoyable co-op experience. This week's NSFW review of Army of Two can be found after the break. Watch it with a friend, or if you're a PC gamer your favorite plant.* *Oh, calm down ... this is coming from the blogger who can spend days playing Civilization IV and Sins of a Solar Empire.
Zero Punctuation hunts Turok and other FPSs
Zero Punctuation tries to be helpful this week by beating Turok with blunt vocabulary and attempting to help other first person shooter developers not make the same mistakes. The six minor points Yahtzee lays out ask shooters not to be cheap imitations of Halo, which itself is a cheap knock-off of ... oh, let's avoid finishing that sentence for the sake of being able to turn on the car tomorrow morning with reasonable knowledge it won't explode.This week's NSFW review of that game with dinosaurs, Turok, is embedded all cozy-like after the break.
Zero Punctuation doesn't find paradise in Burnout
Zero Punctuation takes a spin in Burnout Paradise this week and discovers that cars have taken over Paradise City and people are nowhere to be found. The main sticking point Yahtzee has with the game is that while Burnout Paradise has an open world like Grand Theft Auto, requiring the player to look at a map during a high-speed chase is a bit awkward. He realizes the game isn't designed for him, but rather for people who don't have time to play games and are too busy having carnal relations.This week's NSFW review of Burnout Paradise, involving a joke about female menstruation and biscuit mutilation, can be found after the break.[Thanks, Sam]
Zero Punctuation tears up Devil May Cry 4
Did you feel that Devil May Cry 4 was so busy with its own style that it neglected to actually let you play -- well, so did Yahtzee. This week Zero Punctuation takes on DMC 4, the game which pulled a Metal Gear Solid 2 on us and introduced a character who was kind of like our original hero, but totally not. Don't be upset with Yahtzee's rage DMC fanboys, take solace in the knowledge that your beloved franchise has already shipped 2 million copies.This week's less NSFW than usual review of Devil May Cry 4 can be found after the break.
Zero Punctuation seeks Drake's Fortune, snorts some GDC
Wow, Yahtzee needs to visit the States more often if spending such a small amount of time for GDC brings on this level of devilishly delightful hate. This week Zero Punctuation takes on -- some will say quite unfairly -- Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. Every little possibly insane nit-pick thing is leveled against poor Uncharted, including the fact that it's the best game for white supremacists ever. The issues are quite silly for a game that is currently one of the few jewels in the PS3's crown, but Yahtzee is in top entertainment form -- he even makes a rare appearance au naturel (like as a human, not naked).Included after the break with this week's NSFW review of Uncharted: Drake's Fortune is ZP's video presentation at the Game Developers Choice awards.
Zero Punctuation attempts building SimCity Societies
If you believe that Zero Punctuation's only reason for playing SimCity Societies was to make a totalitarian government in the vein of the Nazi regime -- well, you'd be right. This week Yahtzee takes on the fantastically average game and ends up complaining about it more than making fun of it. In the end he says that SimCity Societies isn't worth the player's time, but then anybody who actually bought SimCity Societies probably already knows that.After the break you'll find this week's NSFW review of SimCity Societies, with special Team Fortress 2 homage to the love which dare not speak its name.
Zero Punctuation 'previews' begin on X-Play Feb. 12
If you can't wait until Wednesdays to get your Zero Punctuation fix, G4's X-Play will begin showing "previews" of Yahtzee's adventures in game-review land every Tuesday beginning February 12 before the "uncut" reviews are posted on The Escapist the following day.Basically, G4 will probably be showing a watered-down (i.e. censored) version of the profanity-laden reviews before The Escapist gives us our quality fix the following day. Although its nice that G4 is presumably giving Mr. Croshaw some extra cash to spend on hookers with genetic anomalies, perhaps X-Play (and its revamped format) could come up with something original to grab viewers instead of riding The Escapist's coattails? But, this is clearly a win-win for both sides.
Zero Punctuation hears the Call of Duty
The Call of Duty 4 fans demanded it and this week Zero Punctuation finally reviews one of the best games of 2007. Yahtzee isn't keen on Americans or patriotic "gun wank" games, so it probably speaks to CoD4's amazing design that he actually seemed to care during that scene (watch the review if you want the spoiler). Take heart CoD4 fanboys, Yahtzee seemed to enjoy his time in nameless-sandy-country. The experience didn't bring him Portal levels of elation, but he did enjoy it enough that he forgot to eat dinner.After the break is where you'll find this week's NSFW review of CoD4.
Zero Punctuation goes through the motions with Umbrella Chronicles
The anger just isn't there this week as Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee experiences the difficulty curve of the Wii's zombie-blasting rail shooter, Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles. Yahtzee still "brings it" to our expectations, but what is there left to "be brought" when mocking the Resident Evil series? Yahtzee takes digs at the RE story, dialogue, and tops it with some decent potshots at the characters -- but really, who hasn't done that at this point in gaming history? In the end, he respects Umbrella Chronicles for doing something different. Hopefully The Escapist can afford to get the guy a game to actually be angry about next week.After the break is where you'll find this week's NSFW clip.
Zero Punctuation causes 'Crysis' with vaguely positive review
Not since the Orange Box review has Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee spoken so highly of a game as he does this week about Crysis. And by "so highly" we mean he hates it slightly less than usual and barely manages a recommendation of it.Yahtzee was certainly enamored with how pretty Crysis is, going so far as saying if the game were personified and in a male prison it would probably have it pretty rough -- well, unless the first-person shooter was into that sort of thing. Speaking of "that sort of thing," he does mention that your high-end PC may not be able to sit for a couple days given the PC parts needed to get it running at its very best.Anyway, check out this week's NSFW review of Crysis after the break.
Zero Punctuation visits Silent Hill's origins and dies inside
Yahtzee's got a soft spot for the Silent Hill series, a soft spot that had a steel spike jammed through it during Silent Hill Origins. Believing that the game was nothing but a fan-service cash-in he declares the series dead after his experience with Origins and Silent Hill 4: The Room -- but he's leaving a spot in his blackened heart for redemption with Silent Hill 5. So prepare yourself for a four minute Zero Punctuation rant that even our resident Silent Hill fanboy declares, "Wow, that's one of [Yahtzee's] best yet!"Find this week's NSFW trip to Silent Hill by Yahtzee after the break.
Zero Punctuation review of Super Mario Galaxy confirms death wish
Yahtzee has said before he's not all too happy with Nintendo's formulaic habits during his Phantom Hourglass review and now cements it with his take on Super Mario Galaxy. It also cements that his bunker in Uluru better be well fortified with an army made up of the other eight Mario-haters on the planet because the Nintendo Defense Force ... they're coming.He pretty much beats on Super Mario Galaxy for being, well, a Mario game. There's also a tangent about how Mario and Bowser's relationship has become a bit awkward: even though they fight from time to time, they also do social activities like go racing together and play tennis. Just a bit strange when your arch-nemesis is the guy you play doubles with.Find this week's NSFW death wish edition of Zero Punctuation after the break.
Zero Punctuation affected by Mass Effect's verbiage
Yahtzee delves into the interstellar drama of Mass Effect this week and walks away with the same issues as many others, but explains it in a way that only the British expatriate can. We already know Yahtzee doesn't like America very much, so we'll take it as a back-handed compliment that he doesn't mind listening to all the North American accents in Mass Effect as compared to Wookies grunt groan bellowing (what do Wookies do?) through Knights of the Old Republic. As his issue with Mass Effect lies in its wealth of dialog and text, we'll just end this post now.Find this week's NSFW dose of Zero Punctuation after the break.
Zero Punctuation wails on Guitar Hero III
Yahtzee puts in plain speak during the latest Zero Punctuation review that Guitar Hero III is when the Guitar Hero series stopped being fun. Because you see, there's this wall that players hit and the game becomes impossible. Yahtzee doesn't want to hear it -- and neither do we -- if you're the only guy in your village who beat everything backward and forward. You aren't average, normal, or in any way a part of the natural order of sheep that make up the population of our little planet. Also, in this very special episode of Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee puts questions about his sexuality to rest.Find your weekly dose of (NSFW) unhinged rage after the break.[Thanks Mromson]
Zero Punctuation spares the life of Assassin's Creed
This week, rapid-fire ranter Yahtzee turns his verbal assassination skills on a game with a matching murderous motif, Assassin's Creed. Though Ubisoft's expansive bump-off sim has divided gamers and critics alike, Yahtzee picks a clear side by the end of this Zero Punctuation episode -- and it's not the one you might expect. Though he didn't approve of the combat or "wordy" dialogue (watch out, Mass Effect), it seems the Prince of Persia-esque platforming and non-linear "faffing about" convinced the man with the sweet hat to give the game an overall thumbs up.Didn't see that coming, did you? Find the (NSFW) video proof after the break.
Zero Punctuation boos F.E.A.R. expansion
Having traipsed through the corridors of Valve's American headquarters, Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee is notably unimpressed with the assignment greeting him upon his return. More creepy corridors, this time found in "uninformatively" titled F.E.A.R. expansion, Perseus Mandate. While he appreciates the infrequent mind-bending sequences (they're rather scares, you see), Yahtzee can't wrap his brain around the developer's constant recycling of environments and combat. As usual, hidden within the rapid-fire rants and elaborately constructed metaphors lies an astute observation -- how is this game supposed to be scary if your character's running around with a bloody bazooka? Check out the video after the break... and note the special threat message left for last week's Zero Punctuation imitator.
Yahtzee travels to America, visits Valve
We all know that Yahtzee -- of Zero Punctuation fame -- has a bit of a skewed view on American culture. So perhaps it's fortuitous that Valve invited him to fly out to Washington to visit their studio, fire guns, and witness the wonder that is modern American airport security.No video this time, folks. Yahtzee takes it all in through the ancient medium of travelogue, with a few pictures mixed in for good measure. Still, the tone is undeniably his, and you can practically hear the dulcet rhythms of his accented vulgarity. Check out the piece for some new tidbits on Valve's survival horror title Left 4 Dead, as well as some keen insight into the team's design process.
Zero Punctuation hates Jericho
This week on Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee travels back to the time when our game selection was much slimmer and hates on Clive Barker's Jericho. It's worth noting that even a month later the spread on reviews for Jericho is still quite impressive. Yahtzee complains about the colors, design and just the overall product that has rekindled his hatred after weeks of ho-hum blood lust. Let's see if The Escapist can stop sending Yahtzee games by carrier pigeon to Australia and get him some games from the deluge we currently find ourselves in.
