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Ten features Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn needs ASAP
It's been a long, agonizing wait for die-hard fans of Final Fantasy XIV, but A Realm Reborn finally launched this week. And as with just about any major MMO launch, sheer chaos has ensued. But that's not what I'm here to talk about (though I'm sure someone in the comments will do it for me). I'm a big sucker for quality-of-life features in MMOs because as far as I'm concerned, anything that reduces tedium and allows me to focus on the game itself is definitely a good thing. While the folks over at Square Enix have certainly worked wonders bringing Final Fantasy XIV in line with modern MMO design, things still aren't quite perfect. If you've got the time -- and let's face it, the servers are probably under maintenance as you read this -- I'd love for you to join me past the cut as I dish on the 10 features I'd like to see added to FFXIV: A Realm Reborn.
The Perfect Ten: Literal kill 10 rats quests
Webster's Dictionary describes "kill 10 rats" as "something nerds do, now shut up and read a few intelligent words." I think the editors are getting a little lazy there at Webster's, but that's nothing compared to the OED crowd that routinely slips in paragraphs of cut-and-pasted Hunger Games fan fiction just to pad the volumes. Anyway, we all know that "kill 10 rats" is a derogatory term for those quests that make you slaughter a certain number of things to make life happier for the quest giver. Why that quest giver has a very specific number in mind has always fascinated me, but never mind. It stems from a long-standing RPG tradition by which lowbie characters typically start their career by doing a little rodent culling in the basement of a tavern. That's how all great people got their start, Abraham Lincoln included. With "kill 10 rats" already being a trope, developers have this habit of trying to be coy and meta by actually putting quests in their MMOs where you, yup, kill 10 rats. I get the feeling that they think they're doing something clever and cheeky, even though practically all of their competitors have done the same. So here we go: ten literal "kill 10 rats" quests that you can find in your games today.
The Perfect Ten: Obnoxious studio buzz words
So say that you write for Massively. Or say that you work for another news site while wistfully refreshing Massively's front page hoping to see a "we're hiring!" notice pop up. Or say that you're a two-headed frog that has a respectable blog that one head writes for while the other one eats flies. The important thing for this example is to imagine that you write news. Because you write news, a good chunk of your day is spent prowling for stories. Some of them you find while browsing. Some of them are sent to your email. Once in a great while your cell phone registers a call from California and a way-too-peppy voice tries to sell you on the notion of writing a 2000-word feature on a game that only the mole people have heard of. In all of this, you are exposed to a great amount of PR-speak. You see the same phrases pop up, again and again. You understand how words can be hollow shells wrapped around a complete lack of meaning. You start to go mad until your other head tells you to snap out of it and eat some more flies. So today you're going to join me here on this side of the news desk as we look at 10 of the most obnoxious buzz words or phrases that studio PR and devs like to toss our way. You could get really cynical reading this list, but I suggest that you make a bingo sheet instead to turn this into a fun game that never, ever ends!
The Perfect Ten: MMO commercials that take us back
I don't see a lot of commercials these days. I like to imagine that I'm a one-man force out to frustrate advertisers, ducking and weaving whenever they try to wing a 30-second spot at me. A lot gets through, but I've long since canceled cable, and the only traditional commercials I sit through are the ones for the occasional YouTube video. But there's something about a good commercial that can take us back on a wave of "remember whens?" and community bonding. I hear more discussions about creative ad spots the day after the Superbowl than the game itself. Commercials can even be a time capsule that unlocks memories for us of favorite movies, toys, and experiences. But what about MMOs? Well, they have commercials too, although not as many have made it to the standard airwaves. They're out there, though. Lurking. Emitting nostalgia rays from the past. And I've been hunting them down, looking for commercials that take us back to a simpler, goofier time. A few thousand dead brain cells later, I've got 10 of the margh make it sop pleaze pleaaa... Enjoy.
The Perfect Ten: Franchises that would make great MMOs
Any MMO player worth his or her salt has a binder full of ideas for games, usually based on a favorite book, television, or movie franchise. We've talked about it before. We've discussed whether or not it's a good idea to even have IP-driven MMOs. But you know what we've never done? We've never consulted me. I'm hurt, to be honest. I know that I'm just one of millions of MMO players, but I have a binder too! It's a vintage Trapper Keeper with a wizard on the cover who is dashing among abstract geometric shapes. My mom thought it was cool and my friends think it's totally rad. Inside are the secrets to hit MMOs that studios are just too scared to make but would be bigger than World of Warcraft if someone would just take the chance. I know it. Today I'm going to open up that binder and shove my ideas in your face. And then, knowing how these things go, I will raise up every geek voice against my picks in the comments section. Bring it on. My wizard can handle all of you.
The Perfect Ten: Why game holidays rock
It's as inevitable as the tides, political scandals, and new flavors of Pepsi. Whenever an MMO announces that it's introducing new holiday content into its game, the grumpies come out. "Wah!" they cry. "Why are developers wasting time on this! It's useless! Pointless! Just the mere notion of it makes baby kittens die worldwide!" What my poetic license is trying to say is that some folks are displeased and they make themselves well-heard because of it. I like to think that after posting angry comments, they then go around the rest of the day slamming doors, flipping chairs, and sulking noisily so that someone will ask them why they're in such a foul mood. The answer, if truthful, would be endlessly entertaining. Then again, I used to throw snit fits when I got sent to jail in Monopoly. If you haven't figured it out yet, I love in-game holidays. Love. Them. Beyond the novelty of what they do, there are plenty of reasons that even the most jaded holiday-hater should simmer down around this topic. I think I'll list 10 of them.
The Perfect Ten: Why I love collector's editions
If you've ever wondered what kind of naive sucker would plunk down a semi-thick wad of perfectly good cash on an overstuffed MMO collector's edition, hi, I'm Justin. I do just that. I don't buy collector's editions for every MMO I pick up, but I do have a strong habit of purchasing them that dates back to the original World of Warcraft CE. I can't help it; I love collector's editions so much. In fact, my interest in them is so keen that the number one and two questions I have for any anticipated MMO in beta are: (1) When can I pre-order the CE and (2) what's included in it? I'm like a junkie, except that instead of burned spoons and constant trips to White Castle to stave off the munchies, my shame is marked by mountain-sized boxes that litter my closet. It's confession time for this collector's edition addict. What are my reasons for this undying love, this unbridled passion, this all-consuming need to own the best edition possible? You're about to find out.
The Perfect Ten: Movies for the MMO fan
You love movies? Sure, who doesn't? I certainly do; I've been reviewing them with friends since 1997. I'm always fascinated by how many out-of-the-way gems there are that go overlooked by the mainstream audience, and I love how films tie into our daily experiences in unexpected ways. MMOs haven't quite gotten popular enough to spawn their own sub-genre of films, apart from the odd fan project or the long-rumored World of Warcraft flick. That doesn't mean that we're lacking good movie role models for our hobby, however. I think that there are plenty of films that are perfectly suited for the MMO fan, even if they've never been thought of as such. So here are 10 films that speak to us as gamers. To make things interesting, I excluded any movie that shares the same IP as an MMO. Read this list and let me know what you would pick!
The Perfect Ten: MMOs that died in development hell
If you know me, you probably know that I have a weird fascination with alternate history. You know, the daydreams of historians when they're not rewriting the past to suit the latest trends. "What if?" my mind wonders, especially when it comes to MMOs. You see, for every game that actually makes it to launch, there are several that die gasping and alone in the bowels of development hell. Sure, many of these are pathetic creatures that didn't really stand a chance anyway, but there are some that could have made an impact on the industry if they had reached release and been halfway decent. We'll never know what a world would look like with these games in them, but we can always muse, "What if?" Continuing Perfect Ten's recent dark streak, here are 10 MMOs that died in development hell; it's to our eternal loss that we'll never get to play them.
The Perfect Ten: Final moments of MMOs, part 2
LAST TIME ON THE PERFECT TEN: Games were shut down, tears were shed, memories were dragged unwillingly from long-term storage, and videos were shown. Also, Marty totally suckered Biff into driving into a truck full of manure and then got his parents to kiss at a dance so that he wouldn't be erased from the space-time continuum. AND NOW FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION! Is it completely morbid to want to revisit (or see for the first time) the final moments of MMOs? Yes, but also no. Really, it's just interesting to me, and I have no great agenda at play here. Sometimes seeing how a game goes out can tell you a lot about its community and dev team. So join us now as we hit the second half of 10 videos showing the last few minutes of these online RPGs.
The Perfect Ten: Cutest creatures
I vividly remember a conversation I had with my then-girlfriend's parents back in 1996 about the potential of this growing "internet" phenomenon. With my limited understanding, I made it sound downright noble, a Library of Congress available at the fingertips of the average Joe or Jane. What I really should have said that it would be a tool for the distribution of pornography, nerd rage, and cute animal pictures. I have no idea how big the cute animal picture industry is, but there have got to be millions of aspiring photographers daily who prod little baby critters with encouragement sticks in the hopes of eliciting a few "awws" out of strangers. Even when the serious business of MMOs came a-calling, cuteness infested fantasy lands near and far. Whenever I see something absurdly cute in an MMO, I always smile because I know that somewhere, some uber-elite, way-too-serious player is developing facial tics from being in the same game world as it. So twitch away, as here are 10 of the cutest critters as seen in-game!
The Perfect Ten: My gaming pet peeves
In general, I try to be an optimistic fellow. When it comes to gaming -- you know, that hobby we apparently love and enjoy -- I'd rather look on the bright side than the angry, cynical, disgruntled dark side most days of the week. There needs to be balance between such outlooks to be sure, but if I'm to err, I'd rather err as a happy gamer than a bitter one. So today's list will be a departure for me, as I'm going to complain at great length about stupid little things that annoy me in MMOs. I look at it like lancing a boil: painful, gross, and generally relieving. If you want to join in with me, just remember that the area can get infected if you keep picking at it for too long. What ticks me off? Open Pandora's Box below and ye shall never know peace...
The Perfect Ten: Creative MMO minigames
Few people are without opinions on minigames in MMOs. Some love 'em, some hate 'em, and some just ignore 'em. Some even despise that I won't type "th." Takes all types, really. Personally, I'm all for including new types of enjoyable systems that can be repeated, particularly if it benefits my character in some way. There's also this perception that minigames are just for kids. It's true that more kid-centric titles like Free Realms and Clone Wars Adventures thrive on minigames like you thrive on deep-fried butter balls, but these little diversions exist all over the place in "grownup" titles too. Holidays are a favorite time to trot them out, although there are plenty that exist year-round. Today we're going to look at 10 creative minigames that have tickled my fancy over the year. Yes, I used the word "fancy." Whatcha gonna do about it?
The Perfect Ten: Romantic game activities
I assure you, it's a complete coincidence that I'm writing a column on romance the week of Valentine's Day. Seriously: I have a 10-gallon cowboy hat filled to the brim with ideas for Perfect Ten and draw one every two weeks. It just so happened that -- again, in a complete coincidence -- the topic of romance and a romance-centric holiday occurred on the same day. You're not buying it, are you. I've always said that you're too wily for me. Whether or not Valentine's Day is something you do, gaming couples do turn to their favorite hobby for a virtual dating hotspot from time to time. It only makes sense. These aren't just worlds where we are celebrated serial killers and butchers of entire races but places in which we live out pretend lives while taking it very, very seriously. So if you're ever in the position where you want to go on a date in-game, here are 10 romantic activities that this Casanova suggests.
The Perfect Ten: Memorable marketing campaigns
I took only a single marketing class in college, so by no means am I an instant expert in anything but being on the receiving end of marketers' nefarious experiments to manipulate me so that I buy their stuff. I did take away the lesson that all marketers are professional liars who have no shame or dignity. Pretty much the same as a blogger, so I guess I have a backup career. Believe it or not, MMOs get off easy when it comes to notorious marketing campaigns. Anything on the following list, good or bad, is a pale shadow of what we've seen in the larger video game industry. Still, there have been plenty of attempts to promote MMOs in ways that make us either applaud or laugh at the studio (and sometimes both at once, which takes coordination). After doing some staff polling and internal polling, here are 10 memorable marketing campaigns from the era of MMORPGs. Maybe they're all winners in that they got noticed by at least one person, even if they're the most foolish notions in history. Here we go!
The Perfect Ten: Why MMO armor is completely ridiculous
This is probably a rant best saved for another day, but I want to know when it became completely acceptable not to demand that MMO studios explain the building blocks of their game universes. The devs know that we'll just draw on tropes (usually fantasy) to fill in the gap, so most of the explanations they give for in-game reasoning have to do with a weak backstory of a class instead of why, say, a liquid potion binds together bones and allows you resurrect completely after being chopped into 60 pieces. I get why tropes are depended on so much, but in my opinion, they rob these games of the potential to be more immersive and lifelike. Pretty much most elements of MMO games break down even when you apply the game's own internal logic (what little has been revealed) to it. Chief among these borked elements? Armor. MMO armor just doesn't make sense, nor does it hold up to even a light level of scrutiny. Today we're going to cast aside the "it's just fantasy, go with it" excuses to investigate why your gear is completely ridiculous from a common sense standpoint. Heck, I wasn't even breathing hard by the time I counted to 10 on this one.
The Perfect Ten: New MMOs to watch in 2013
Oh, I had a great Perfect Ten prepped as the first list of the year, but my meanie-face editor slammed on the veto button and told me, point-blank, that I was going to be counting down the best MMO prospects for the year. Then she drove a lawnmower through a Nordstroms while huffing paint thinner and throwing empty cans at the security personnel. Even so, her idea is probably more interesting than what I had. Let me give you a few notes on today's list because I sense that I'm going to tick more of you off than normal here. My goal was to sift through the possible releases for 2013 and pick the 10 most promising, both in "will it actually launch this year?" and in its potential for success. The combination makes it a tough call because some of these will undoubtedly be delayed to 2014 or beyond and some of these we still don't know as much as we'd like about them. But who cares? Let's have some fun and kick this year off right. Here are my picks for new MMOs to watch in 2013.
The Perfect Ten: My biggest gaming moments in 2012
I am a complete sucker for three things: novelty soft drink flavors, Tom Servo's singing voice in MST3K, and end-of-the-year lists. Egads, I love the end of the year just for the lists alone. Everyone does them (copycats!), and I like to see how my opinions stack up against them. Plus, often I learn of cool things that happened or came out during the past year that I missed. So this is my list. My end-of-2012 list. I am devoting the 26th Perfect Ten of 2012 to the top 10 moments in MMO gaming and blogging. It was a rollercoaster of highs and lows, and looking back, I don't think I could've predicted half of the major events that happened in this industry. That's what I like about this gig: It keeps me on my toes.
The Perfect Ten: Absolutely ridiculous cash shop selections
This past week, the Money Gnomes at Turbine tested the waters with the idea of selling a $50 horse in Lord of the Rings Online. Oh, not just any horse, mind you: It's a toy hobby horse. For $50. The representative who asked for feedback on the item and price-point probably caused herself internal hemorrhaging by stating, "This is not a joke." The fans responded, "Of course, and the sky is made out of blue cheese." At the very least, it allowed the more creative players to come up with humorous expressions of incredulity. The fun finally came to an end when the studio announced that the "experimental" price point was a failure. Of course, this is by far not the first time a game studio's attempted to sell a ridiculous item, an item with a ridiculous price point, or both combined. If you sell it, after all, the rubes will come. So in the spirit of a $50 hobby horse that costs something like $20 in real life to acquire, here are 10 completely ridiculous items that we've seen in MMO cash shops.
The Perfect Ten: Holiday shopping for the MMO gamer
With Thanksgiving almost under wraps in the states (Canada got an earlier patch of Thanksgiving because the devs love that country), the starter pistol is about to go off for the busiest shopping season of the year. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and oh-crap-it's-Christmas-Eve-and-only-a-gas-station-is-open are all shopping experiences ahead on the calendar, but perhaps the most challenging experience is that of buying the perfect gift for an MMO gamer. Sure, you could just phone it in and buy a time card, some cash shop points, a subscription or two, or even a Prima strategy guide if you really hated the person, but a proper MMO gift goes beyond that. For a great gift, you need to put in some effort and actually research the field... or just be lazy and use my following guide. We both know which option you're going to choose. So while you slowly digest that turkey and moan about having to waddle your butt down to Best Buy at 3:00 a.m., why not allow me to help you with a few shopping suggestions? For this list, I wanted to focus on game-specific merchandise that isn't t-shirts, game cards, or CafePress coffee mugs. I mean, this shirt is the bomb and all, but we can do better!
