BigRedKitty: Da Uber Hunter Patch of Love
Daniel Howell contributes BigRedKitty, a column with strategies, tips and tricks for and about the hunter class sprinkled with a healthy dose of completely improper, sometimes libelous, personal commentary.
In case you haven't been paying attention to your rumormongering, the next patch is almost ready. Once again, the denizens of the BRK Crack Code-Sniffing and Leftover Halloween Candy Inhaling Team have been pressed into service to surreptitiously download, investigate, and publish on the Internet all the secret shenanigans the Blizzard programmers are attempting to foist on an unsuspecting subscriber base.
The first thing we saw was that the entire program had been rewritten in Fortran IV. Several old IBM programmers who we had rescued from the dustbin of history burst into song and dance and polished their resumes on their Selectric typewriters. But when the Fortran IV code turned out to be a strange recipe for Pumpkin Spice Latte that we had misidentified, we didn't have the heart to break it to those white-shirted fellas. If you see anybody in Stormwind or Ogrimar prostelyzing the benefits of logical IFs and making fun of mathematic IFs, just give them a gold or two to go away. Don't break their hearts, we beg you.
But fear not, even without the Fortran-geeks the patch code did get examined. This is one beaut of a hunter-patch and we're pleased as punch to be able to bring this exciting and possibly totally erroneous information to you.
10. The introduction of 20 and 24-slot ammo bags and quivers have us drooling, but the engineering designs for Goblin Bandoleers and Gnomish Banana Clips make our knees weak. Bandoleers and Banana Clips increase your firing rate by 25% for fifty shots! But as all engineering items are prone to do, these things can jam. To aide your on-site repairs, your agility will buff your new skills, Unjam for guns and Restring for bows.
9. An orange Epic Ranged Weapon makes its appearance; the Zul'Furrak-1. It's light; handle's adjustable for easy carrying; good for righties and lefties; breaks down into four parts; undetectable by X11 goggles; ideal for quick discreet interventions. A word on firepower. Adamantite recharger; 3000-round Gnomish Banana Clip with bursts of 3 to 300. With the Replay button, it's even easier. One shot and Replay sends every following shot to the same location. No more Light-of-Sight issues in arenas ever again.
8. The ability to dual-wield guns is being introduced. Your range is cut to 25 yards but you can equip any combination of any two guns you desire. Yes, you look brazenly and freakishly destructive; this totally rocks.
7. Hunters can wear mail but the stuff is heavy and clanky. It really makes little sense that a class that one imagines skulks about the forests and swamps would slap metal chains on themselves. We should be in leather, right? Therefore, in the next patch, should a hunter choose to wear leather armor, any and all agility and attack-power attributes of that armor are increased by 30%.
6. New Trap – Oil Slick. Enemies affected by the Oil Slick Trap become unable to control their direction or momentum for 10 seconds.
5. New Trap – Smoke Screen. Enemies affect by the Smoke Screen Trap become unable to see more than 3 yards in any direction for 10 seconds.
4. New Trap – Nagging Spouse. Enemies affected by the Nagging Spouse Trap have their WoW and Ventrilo sounds muted for 10 seconds. During the 10 second interruption, the NST procs sound files of Roseanne or Gilbert Godfried complaining about their day.
3. New Survival Tree Talent – Spiderpig 0/1. Survival hunters will be able to walk on walls and ceilings in PvP arenas and battlegrounds for 10 seconds. Spell has a 3 minute cooldown.
2. New Marksman Tree Talent – Matrix Shot 0/1. This shot slows the entire PvP engagement for all participants and they are forced to watch the ammo's perspective as it warps the air and impacts its target. Matrix Shot is a guaranteed Aimed Shot double-Crit, is not mitigated by armor or resistances, and has a 5 minute cooldown.
1. New Beastmaster Tree Talent – Go For The Crotch 0/3. When a hunter's pet crits, it has a 33/66/100% chance to proc Go For The Crotch. When GFTC is successful, it stuns the target for one second, increases the target's casting time by 10% for the next five seconds, and makes the other player feel extremely uncomfortable which reduces their spirit by 25% for ten seconds.
Daniel Howell continues his quest to minimize the aggro radius of his personal Nagging Spouse Trap as the hunter-pet duo extraordinaire known to lore as BigRedKitty. More of his theorycrafting and slanderous belittling of the lesser classes can be found at bigredkitty.blogspot.com.
