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The Guessing Game: Nintendo's E3 Showing

Jared Rea

In the second of our three part guessing game series, we take the current darling of the retail space, Nintendo, to the rumor mill and see what the buzz is regarding their E3 presentation. The Internet is spinning with everything from the probable to the wet dreams of fanboys, but like Microsoft, the crystal ball has never been fuzzier.

And while Nintendo has seen nothing but gains in these past few months, they could very well be walking into E3 with the most to lose. With publishers still wary of the hype train and a delicate bubble surrounding the success of the Wii, it's becoming more and more vital for Nintendo to prove they're more than just a fad. At the very least, Nintendo should be laying out their holiday season -- one that currently has more question marks than Matthew Lesko's closet.

We've changed up the format this time around in order to bring the focus more on existing rumors than the hopes and dreams of our circle, but it's the same, great tasting hype you've come to love from pre-E3 shenanigans. Dig in after the cut.

Wii Hard Drive
"Not gonna happen" says gaming sex symbol, Kyle Orland. "Especially when a 4GB SD card can hold every game released on the Virtual Console." The Wii, like other recent consoles, has an entire library of games to download, yet is the only one without a hard drive to store them. It seems like a no brainer, but Wii Fanboy's JC Fletcher thinks it would "wreck the simple aesthetic of the Wii and intimidate Grandma." Still, local funny man Ludwig Kietzmann points out that Nintendo head honcho, Satoru Iwata did once say that "practically any storage method can be used," and those spare USB ports are looking mighty lonely.
Likelihood: Someday, but not today.

New Mario Kart for Wii
PSP Fanboy's Andrew Yoon shows that he hasn't been to an arcade in a while, asking "Couldn't they port over the arcade-only Mario Kart GP?" Well Andrew, we were already subjected to a sequel of that rubbish, so the rest of us are crossing our fingers that a port isn't in the cards. Joystiq leader and lover of FMV games, Chris Grant, has a more educated outlook saying that a new Mario Kart for the Wii is "inevitable" and "the Excite Truck-oriented controller style would work great for the series, but I don't think they're going to pull this one out of their hat just yet."
Likelihood: If you're gambling off-shore on E3 news, this is safer than most.

New Nintendo DS
The juggernaut of the next generation war, Nintendo DS answers to no one. So with rumors of a freshly re-visioned DS, complete with larger screens popping up, Andrew responded amidst a game of Hannah Montana. "Unlikely" he said between a string of directed obscenities. "Maybe once Nintendo DS isn't the best-selling system everywhere. Y'know... in 2017?" Alisha Karabinus of Wii Fanboy, however, wouldn't put it past the ol' money factory as "everyone already owns at least four DS models."
Likelihood: You'll own four more by the time they're done, but you won't hear about them this year.

New Colors for the Wii remote
"Wait a minute, colored Wii remotes are a RUMOR?" screamed Kevin Kelly over his cell phone, weaving through traffic like a drunkard. "But we've seen promo pictures of the freakin' things for months now! Aiiieeee!" he cried, coming to an abrupt end. Having a hard time finding any Wii remotes, Alisha said "I don't care if they release controllers that send a powerful electric shock into your brain the moment you touch them. A rainbow of shocks would just be a nice bonus!" Her intervention could not possibly come soon enough.
Likelihood: Try not to look shocked, unless the controller is actually doing that to you. In that case, you heard it here first and be sure to digg this story.

New Legend of Zelda Announced
"We'll see it around 2009." Gee, thanks Nostradamus. Ludwig, on the other hand, offered a bit of insight saying "It probably won't be very far along in development, but I definitely expect we'll catch a glimpse of it." Really? We're that sure? Chris Grant is on the same page as well, saying that a glimpse of a new Zelda would "remind the hardcore gamers why they've got that Wii on their shelf." Kyle Orland merely cackled loudly, his eyes as cold as the night as he bellowed, "A sequel to the CD-i games, complete with animated cut scenes!" He then started mumbling something about using moon sapphires to unlock the gates of Kerash.
Likelihood: What else are they going to announce? Pokemon Snap 2? In our dreams.

Hideo Kojima announces Wii project
"Yes. Z.O.WII confirmed?" cracked Ludwig, jabbing us in the ribs with his elbow. We then downgraded his flight to E3 from "economy" to "small box with duct tape." Fresh from conquering the Moon in the name of Orland, Kyle opened one of his six mouths to hiss "A version of Metal Gear Solid where you can replace the head of Snake and all the characters with Mii's." Thinking we would never get a decent answer, JC stepped up to note that "Kojima and Suda both have other unreleased games to promote. Of all the rumors, this is the one I'd most emphatically love to be wrong about."
Likelihood: Kojima has too many other games to worry about. Waggle will have to wait.

Release dates for Metroid, Mario and Smash Bros
The realist of the bunch, JC returned to note "Metroid already has a release date, so all I expect is a delay." His fellow fanboy in crime, Jason Wishnov spoke of heresy within the cult as he told us "Nintendo's claims that all three will be released this calendar year is almost ludicrous; they stand to suffer a title gap of Gamecube proportions in 2008" Andrew Yoon stood up to defend Jason against the angry mob, asking "when have those proven to be relevant? This is Nintendo, king of delays."
Likelihood: If Nintendo ever wants to get out of the first of their second last generation, they should probably get these out the door sooner than later. Count on it.

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