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Pokemon trading figure game due next month

Justin McElroy

You have to feel for the youth of America. It's bad enough that they have to attempt to resist the siren song of Pokemon video games, cartoons and trading cards, now the poor bastards will have to contend with the Pokemon Trading Figure Game, coming to America on Sept. 19.

In our opinion, this has gone far enough. Scientifically, kids are helpless against the power of Pokemon. There isn't a 9-year-old alive who wouldn't straight up murder an extended family member just to ride on Pikacku's back for a few minutes. Now, the cards and digital images that they swoon for have manifested a physical form! How are they supposed to resist that, for crying out loud? It would be like if heroin started recording your favorite TV shows and cooking dinner for you! Parents, get ready for money to start disappearing from your billfold in $9.99 dollar increments for 3-figure booster packs. That is, after the initial $14.99 for the starter pack. Yeah, it's pricey, but don't go blaming your kids. They have a disease.

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