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Liveblogging: South Park 'Guitar Queer-o'

Dan Dormer

Come one, come all! Boys and girls, children of all ages, and feast your eyes on this spectacle -- a rare performance by the insufferable duo of Mr. Kyle Orland and Mr. Dan Dormer. Tonight, we'll be live blogging a piece of gaming culture -- the fusion of Guitar Hero with Comedy Central's South Park. Hit the jump, and keep refreshing to witness all the action.

Kyle: I'm currently watching a Tivo'ed episode of "Phenomenon."
Dan: Dude, Wednesdays are all about "Kid Nation" and "Kitchen Nightmares."

Kyle: And "South Park" ... though I have to admit I haven't watched it as religiously for the past few years.
Dan: Did you catch any of the Imagination Land episodes?
Kyle: Nope

Dan: You missed out. Fantastic three episode story. Spoiler alert: Kyle sucks Cartman's balls.
Kyle: I do not!
Kyle: Oh, wait.
Kyle: I hate it when that happens.

Kyle: And the TiVo switches over.
Dan: Gotta love that feature.
Kyle: This opening has gotten so ridiculous over the years.

Dan: Brought to us by Assassin's Creed!
Kyle: And a commercial ... that was quick.
Dan: Good advertising time.
Kyle: It's brought to you by Assassin's Creed, and not by Guitar Hero somehow?
Dan: Ubisoft, not Activision.
Kyle: How many games can one show promote at once?
Kyle: "Raise an army? Against one man?" Um... yes!

Dan: Not enough, apparently.
Kyle: If you'd seen the trailer you would raise that army.
Kyle: Uh oh ... he's not joining them in their oath.
Kyle: Cuz he's D-E-A-D, dead!
Kyle: This is a really long commercial ... gotta be near two minutes.
Kyle: And it still barely showed any gameplay.

Dan: Great time to air it though, especially when they know gamers will be watching.
Dan: Kyle's got blisters on those fingers!
Kyle: Episode time. Boy they look ... like cardboard cutouts playing guitars.

Dan: Ah, it starts. "They can play guitar now."
Dan: Already with the jabs.
Kyle: "If they spent half the time learning a real instrument ... who knows what they could accomplish"
Kyle: A few chords, maybe
Kyle: Stan's dad is plugged in!
Dan: Damn, Stan's dad is rocking.
Dan: Wait, what!
Kyle: Listen to that silky voice
Dan: He stopped him!

Kyle: Real guitar's are gay, apparently. And for old people, so sayeth The Cartman.
Kyle: The fakey Guitar Hero screens are pretty nice actually.

Dan: Yeah, well done.
Kyle: Where's your real guitar NOW, Mr. Marsh?
Kyle: "Game Over. YOU SUCK!"
Dan: Cartman can't shut up!
Dan: Woo, 100,000!
Dan: That's a new record!
Kyle: "Dude we are total rock stars now"

Dan: Talent agents? For Guitar Hero players?
Kyle: How did he hear so fast? Xbox Live?
Dan: Maybe!
Dan: They are wired controllers.
Kyle : Those are definitely Xploders.
Kyle: "With the right label behind you, you could make a million points"
Kyle: That's a ... platinum record (rim shot).

Kyle: Wow... they already have a one year deal and an invite to a big party at a mansion.
Dan: Already getting corrupted by fame!
Kyle: The rock star life sure is heady.
Kyle: I like the big pile of coke-snorter. Why bother with a straw?
Kyle: "There's lots more coke and sex in the house." Ohhhhh yeah.

Dan:But, Jay Cutler can't win games!
Kyle: He should practice Guitar Hero, not football!
Dan: Oh, it's a life changing moment!
Kyle: "Dude, we've arrived. We're super-awesome and cool."
Kyle: Uh oh, the agent is luring Kyle away.

Dan: Uh-oh!
Dan: This guy is a Yoko!
Kyle: With less abstract art.
Dan: Stan looks so sad.
Kyle: He's a good guy, and he knows you shouldn't piss off guys named Kyle.

Dan: And he carries it with him.
Kyle: Why didn't I think of that? Acoustic Guitar Hero! I love it!
Kyle: clickety-click-click-clack.
Kyle: I'm so busting that out at my next party
Kyle: And the whole restaurant claps along. Priceless.

Dan: That didn't look like expert mode to me.
Dan: Where were the orange notes!
Kyle: Well, that section's pretty easy on any mode, but "John The Fisherman" gets tough later.
Kyle: What is wrong with Thad's face? Does he have a big chin? Or just a weak neck?
Kyle: "I guess I didn't realize it was just about the points"
Kyle: *sniff'*

Dan: Isn't it always just about the points?
Kyle: This show always chokes me up
Kyle: First commercial break ... some good gags so far.
Dan: Wait, what?
Dan: Another AC commercial?

Kyle: Wow.
Dan: I mean, I'm excited for it, but really?
Kyle: "It was a time of fear. A time of war."
Dan: Why don't they just flash a pic of Jade up there?
Dan: That'll move some units.
Kyle: Like every other game ever made
Kyle: Or Kristen Bell.
Dan: Not the digital version, though.
Kyle: AC is actually just a Kristen Bell DVD ... and no one complains!
Kyle: Some more gameplay here, at least. Although only in half-second snippets.

Dan: Oh! Oh! They said it!
Dan: "Assassin's ... creed."
Kyle: "For they are the assassins, and that was their creed."
Kyle: "On Nov. 14, master the art of the kill."
Kyle: This side of Katamari.
Kyle: EVGames!
Kyle: He needs a game guide for Guitar Hero? Hello! GameFAQs!

Dan: Haha, what?
Dan: Heroin Hero?
Kyle: Heroin Hero ... "you could call it the ultimate first-person shooter."
Kyle: So guitars lead to heroin?
Dan: Jack Thompson's gonna have a field day!
Kyle: And Guitar Hero leads to Heroin Hero?
Kyle: Um ... I guess ...
Kyle: GameCraft Arcade.
Kyle: They have Guitar Hero in arcades now?

Dan: Apparently! That'd be nice.
Kyle: "I Wanna Be Sedated" is a pretty weak song. Stan has a point
Dan: Might actually get kids into arcades.
Kyle: That "I Quit" song brings up shades of "That Thing You Do" for me, but I'm a super nerd.
Kyle: "Nobody plays Heroin Hero a little. You know, no one ever catches the dragon."

Dan: Bowling alleys have Guitar Hero as well, apparently.
Kyle: Bowling alleys have Guitar Hero too!
Kyle: I want to live in South Park!
Kyle: Y'know, when it isn't being attacked by giant robots and such
Dan: Really? Fresca?

Kyle: Aww... Kyle is all washed up
Kyle: Fresca is awesome!
Kyle: But I like Fresca Hero better
Dan: I like Coke Hero.
Kyle: He ODed on Heroin Hero?
Dan: He didn't catch the dragon ... no one does.
Kyle: Stan with his shirt off = vaguely disturbing.
Kyle: "Listen to that video crowd ... they hate you!"

Dan: The crowd looks pretty good there.
Kyle: Commercial break No. 2
Dan: YES!
Kyle: That segment was a little by the numbers.
Dan: More Assassin's Creed ads!
Kyle: Oh, shhh!
Dan: Where is my Kristen Bell!
Kyle: How much do you think buying out all the ads for an episode of South Park costs?
Dan: Why have they forsaken me?

Dan: Too much, most likely.
Kyle; This one is all gameplay.
Kyle: And no voice-over ... just some beatbox with violins.
Kyle: Very stylish

Dan: You know, if the game has glitches ... maybe that money and time could have been better spent on the actual development. That's been the best one so far.
Kyle: That's a bit of a false choice.
Dan: I like the progression from all CG to a mix to a mostly in-game ad.
Kyle: Grand Theft Auto: The Holy Land!
Kyle: And we're back.
Kyle: Don't quit, Stan!

Dan: Game Junkie Monthly!
Kyle: Rehab Hero?
Dan: Their version of Game Informer.
Kyle: Or EGM?
Dan: Potentially.

Kyle: You need a montaaaaage ....
Dan: Stan's gonna catch that dragon.
Kyle: There are the orange notes, and he's not even looking at the screen. That's dedication.
Kyle: "Custard's Revenge" in the corner, I think.
Kyle: "I can play here all I want. I can even get free Frescas!"

Dan: Kyle's all about the perks.
Kyle: Here comes the inevitable reconciliation.
Kyle: "I've been close to a million by myself"
Kyle: I knew Kyle had it in him. GO KYLE! KYLE ROCKS! etc.

Dan: Vaguely disturbing scene number two!
Kyle: That Heroin Hero dragon is SO CUTE!
Dan: That doesn't look like an Xbox.
Kyle: "You don't ever catch the dragon, Dad." There's the catch phrase oft he night.
Kyle: Didn't you hear them earlier? It's a "Guitar Hero game system."

Dan: But they called it an Xbox!
Kyle: 1,000,000 points exactly.
Dan: HA!
Kyle: That sounds unlikely. "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE FAGS!"
Dan: What a wonderful resolution.

Kyle: Red Octane needs some better user testing.
Dan: So, what did you think?
Kyle: Actually it was only fair.
Dan: I'll give it three out of five Guitar Hero fret buttons.
Kyle: A few good jokes... I loved the acoustic Guitar Hero.
Kyle: And Heroin Hero was funny too.

Dan: Most of the barbs came at the beginning, though.
Kyle: A solid 3 frets.
Dan: "So they can play real guitar now?"
Kyle: Enough to play Medium difficulty. Not enough to get a million points on expert.

Kyle: Yeah, it petered out quick ... became the standard maudlin plot of redemption.
Dan: Want to hop on Xbox Live and play some Guitar Hero III now?
Kyle: DO I?!

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