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Ultrasafe: The prestige, perils, and prestidigitization of Gnomish dimensional travel

Brian Karasek

And lesser related fields


"I Can See My Hearth From Here, and It's Getting Closer."

The Ultrasafe brand of dimensional transporter incorporates two versions thus far discovered by M.E.G.A. Research & Development. The first version Gnomish Engineers are able to learn is the Ultrasafe Transporter: Gadgetzan. The second learned is the Ultrasafe Transporter: Toshley's Station. Here we will discuss the various risks and rewards of the use of the Ultrasafe brand of transport, and briefly touch upon similar transport methods associated with the Goblin Experimental Explosive Korporation.

Basic Ultrasafery: Elementary Aspects of Molecular Deconstructualization

Upon reaching a rating of 260 or greater, a licensed and practicing member of the Mechanical Engineering Guild, Associated is able to learn to construct the Ultrasafe Transporter: Gadgetzan from Jhordy Lapforge in Gadgetzan. Engineer Lapforge may be found standing beside the telepad in the Northeastern corner of the town. To learn the schematic one need only speak with him and ask. He will be glad to teach you.

The Gadgetzan Transporter requires twelve Mithril Bars, two Truesilver Transformers, four Core of Earth, two Globe of Water, four Aquamarine, and an Inlaid Mithril Cylinder. No Gnomish Engineer will have any trouble learning the location or manufacture of these items. The device itself is worn as a trinket. When activated it takes six seconds to properly calibrate itself to the user's molecular contructification, after which it will assemble all of those molecules at the telepad in Gadgetzan. Using the device requires it to cool down for four hours subsequent. There are risks associated with the use of this device, despite its labeling, which will be discussed later in the lecture.

Potential Concerns with Gadgetzan Travel

Ultra-Safe transport involves many variables, not the least of which is the state in which the Gnomish Engineer may arrive. Be aware of common issues which can arise while travelling via Ultra-Safe transit to Gadgetzan.

I Can See My Hearth From Here! Also, Skeletons!

The Gnomish Engineer may materialize a mile or more in the skies of Tanaris. While the view is lovely, the problems associated with being a mile in the air are manifold, and the wise Gnomish Engineer makes plans prior to activating his Gadgetzan teleporter to account for, if not a long fall, certainly a sudden stop.

No Gnomes is Good Gnolls.

The Gnomish Engineer may materialize in the form of a gnoll, through a mysterious typographical error in the recombobulation matrices. Safety settings in the Gadgetzan telepod will prevent the Gnollish Engineer from leaving the telepod until the device recombobulates him. This should occur automatically, but does not always fix the problem on the first try. This takes less than a minute in any case.


The Gnomish Engineer may appear on the telepod in the form of a Murloc, for reasons which are unknown and largely uninteresting to the finest minds of Gnomish technology. The safety settings in place for transporter malfunction will again prevent the Murloc Engineer from leaving the telepod until he's been properly reformatted. This, too, will take a very brief time.

Trogolo- Trogulo- Trogloditic- Let's Call it Trogg.

The Gnomish Engineer may appear in the form of a Trogg, though this malfunction is poorly documented and may well no longer be a risk.

No, That Wasn't Me That Sold You Runecloth for 99 Gold.

The Gnomish Engineer, on their trip through time and space to reach Gadgetzan, crosses into a variety of theoretical alternate dimensions, each more alternate than the last. At times, the Gnomish Engineer himself may not make it through the other side quite right, resulting in an alternate, or Evil Twin, of the Engineer to appear instead. This effect rights itself within two hours of transport. In the meantime, the Evil Twin may act exactly as the original Engineer would have acted. He will not be hampered or advantaged in any way as a result. He may, however, act a complete jerk for two hours, and be safely forgiven later.

Advanced Ultrasafery: Continuing Study of Practical Dis- and Re- Integration of the Pattern Matrices

Upon reaching a rating of 350 or greater, a respected member of M.E.G.A. can report to Smiles O'Byron in Blade's Edge mountains for training on the Ultrasafe Transporter: Toshley's Station. Engineer O'Byron stands by the telepad, just outside of Toshley's Station. The telepad itself is not within the town limits. In light of Warp Engineer Geargrinder's recent study, Horde Engineers are reminded that Toshley's Station is a town more loyal to the Alliance than to Engineers. The Guild appreciates the high attendance at Warp Engineer Geargrinder's memorial service. As with Engineer Lapforge, Engineer O'Byron is only too glad to instruct Gnomish Engineers in the creation of the device. The Toshley's Station Transporter is constructed from one Adamantite Frame, two Primal Air, two Felsteel Stabilizers, four Handful of Fel Iron Bolts, and one Khorium Power Core. As with the earlier model, the device is worn as a trinket, takes six seconds to charge, and requires a four hour cooling period. The risks of dimensional travel are not lessened by this later model, as discussed below.

Potential Concerns with Toshley's Station Travel

The following issues have been shown to arise through transporter malfunction to Toshley's Station.

No, I Didn't Send You A COD Gift Box, Either.

The Evil Twin risk of travel persists in the use of the Toshley's Station transporter. As with the Azerothian transporter, the only effect this has is to provide the Engineer a good excuse to be a pill.

Nice Guys Finish Last.

In a strange twist on the Evil Twin, it is possible for the Gnomish Engineer to not make it through the portal entirely, resulting in only the light half of his soul arriving. The rest of his soul will take an hour to catch up. In the meantime, the Gnomish Engineer will be perceived to others as being a translucent golden image of himself, while displaying a debuff stating the problem. No other advantages or disadvantages have been observed, though some Engineers report unusual kindness and empathy. These are probably lies.

Bad to the Bones

Adjusting the Evil of the Evil Twin up several notches, the Gnomish Engineer might also leave behind his best side, arriving only as his Evil portion of his soul. He will appear red and translucent for the duration of this malfunction.

It's Not the Size of the Gun.

A Gnomish Engineer may materialize in Toshley's Station at "half mast," so to speak, arriving at roughly 50% size. The size change does not appear to affect the Engineer's efficacy in any way, and clears up in an hour.

It's the Ammo You Shoot With.

A Gnomish Engineer may also materialize at Toshley's Station at an unusual size, roughly 25% larger. The size change does not appear to have any other effects, and goes away after an hour.

Gnomish: Original Recipe.

Periodically the Gnomish Engineer on her way to Toshley's Station will encounter a Chickenization, Poultrization, or Hennification fluctuation in the transfer. In such cases she will arrive in the form of a chicken. The ornithomogrification is notoriously fragile, and will last only a few minutes. The Engineer will be able to take free actions and move normally, though spells and mounts will be beyond her.

I Know You Are, But What am I?

The dimensional overlays for teleporting into Outland are highly technical, and at times the pattern matrices can become scrambled. Periodically the Gnomish engineer will arrive in a state of flux. The pattern matrix becomes scrambled with that of previous travelers, and the Engineer is recombobulated in the form of one of the previous users of the device. The Engineer appears to gain the dance moves and sense of humor of his new configuration, but the more racially motivated advantages are not available to him. Interestingly, the Engineer's gear remains intact, fitting the new appearance. Research has shown that the pattern scrambles only take the forms of male night elves, trolls, dwarves, and tauren, or female draenei, gnomes, orcs, or blood elves.

Associated Sciences

Goblin Engineers are similarly equipped to the Gnomish, having two transporters of their own, aptly named Dimensional Rippers. The Dimensional Ripper - Everlook and Dimensional Ripper - Area 52 are the Goblin versions. Goblins are notoriously secretive when Gnomish engineers start interviewing them, so research in this field is lacking. Reports persist of Goblin Engineers arriving at Everlook on fire, burning to death in short order if healing is not administered promptly. Area 52 transport has been reported to occasionally deposit the Engineer atop a floating chunk of Netherstorm, a lethal distance in the air from which to fall. Many of the same perils present with Gnomish transport exist just as perilously within Goblin transport.

Cleaning up the Wreckage: Tool Control Saves Lives

Those Gnomish Engineers who have earned the right to create and operate the Ultrasafe Transporters find themselves in possession of two extra hearth stones, with short trips to Tanaris and Blade's Edge, as well as points surrounding. Engineers are advised in light of the extensive potential risks to prepare accordingly, perhaps with the use of parachute cloaks in the case of Gadgetzan transport. This concludes the lecture on Gnomish Dimensional Transport and Associated Sciences.

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