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MMO Mash-up: Age of Hello Kitty

Kyle Horner

Welcome to a new column here at Massively, where I'll take two massively multiplayer online games and chop them up into little pieces, so I can put them back together with electrical tape and staples. This is the MMO Mashup, where you can expect to see everything from the startlingly strange to the ubiquitously unusual.

Lets get straight into it then, with the pink-yet-dark world of Age of Hello Kitty.

In the dangerous and dark Kingdom of Floweria, your wits are your best weapon. Though pastel-colored blade and lovely embroidered shield may help fend off the slavering demon-kittens, they are only as powerful as the warrior wielding them.

Your adventure starts off on a big, pink kitten-shaped-boat -- which is powered on pure kitty hate. The character you'll create comes from this ship, where they serve as a row-slave, deep in the satin-and valentine-decked bowels of the vessel.

Like many kitty-slaves' lives, yours is destined to be one only of servitude -- that is until the pink kitty-hate-powered ship goes down in a storm. A leather-clad kitty slaver screams out in terrible, adorable agony, "Leave the slaves, save your tea sets!" In response, they scramble for their brightly-colored pastel tea pots, plates and matching cups.

You awaken on a beach -- which is covered with other survivors of the wreck -- and must fight your way out with a single, pink, heart-shaped broken oar. Thankfully, old man-frog Keroppi is there to give you some sound frog-sage advice. This is the age of Hello Kitty, where anything is possible. Play your cards right and it's possible that you may survive the deadly creatures awaiting within the sugar-plum Jungle of Dread.

Real-time Kitty Kombat!

Prepare to fend off your pink-powered enemies through a real-time combat system. Flower pattern-adorned axes and swords will be lopping off heads left and right -- it will be kitten-induced madness. Never before have you seen the world of Hello Kitty in such gritty focus.

Characters will move across the 2D world through a click-to-move system. When fighting an enemy you simply click on the part of their body you wish to maim in a decidedly horrendous fashion. As an example, certain special abilities such as "Friendly Flayer" will be trigged if you click body parts in the correct order, such as torso, left arm and left leg.

Magic will be handled simply by selecting your target and then clicking on the spell you want to cast. Spells such as "Pureed Pussycat" and "Buttercup Butcher" are just a few examples of the horrors players will be able to unleash on small birds, puppies and kittens -- or even their fellow players!

Mature Themes in a Kitty World

Being a mature game, you can expect a certain kind of atmosphere: pink, vivid and bloody!

This is a game where the login screen consists of a super happy Hello Kitty wearing bright red and pink clothing and accessorizing with her maliciously-placed red ribbon -- don't ever question the red ribbon. Hello Kitty is the ruthless Queen of Floweria and did not become so by accident. Simply alluding to her favorite red ribbon being in poor taste is guaranteed to end in death-by-kitty. She has built her throne through sheer lovable murder, placing it upon the dried husks of her enemies, their ruined skulls plied from their bodies and strewn beneath her throne in testament to pastel lands past conquered.

Expect to see blood bursting from sweet and innocent creatures. Regard every critter you see with great caution, as it may spread its innocent maw only to reveal a horrid display of tangled tooth and gum. Steel yourself for a world where Cinnamonoll craves not your cinnamon roll, but you very soul.

Unfortunately, at this time I am unable to confirm whether or not the North American version of Age of Hello Kitty will contain nipples. But rest assured, we will do everything in our power to see that our players experience the true nature of this dark, malicious and mature world.

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