BigRedKitty: Defaming character since January, 2007

Daniel Howell contributes BigRedKitty, a column with strategies, tips and tricks for and about the Hunter class, sprinkled with a healthy dose of completely improper, sometimes libelous, personal commentary.

We were much too busy "earning a paycheck" and "keeping Mrs BRK in a manner in which she demands" to attend Blizzcon. But that doesn't mean we're incapable of scoring a major, one-on-one interview with an important someone at Blizzard.

When one talks with a person who controls the fantasies and desires of eleven million people, one would expect that person to have a slightly elevated ego, and perhaps a bit of pride at all he's accomplished. This was hardly the case. For most of the interview, our subject mumbled incoherent phrases like:

"... 1800+ in 3v3 and he wants more cowbell..."

"... I told him, I'm a Shaman, not a doctor..."

"... and you will know my name is the Lord, when I strike down my Warglaive upon thee..."

Yes, it wasn't very Larry King-esque, that's for dang sure.

The unedited, surreal, and sometimes hair-raising conversation follows forthwith.

BRK: "Thank you for agreeing to sit down with us and discuss some issues particularly relevant to the hunter community."

Ghostcrawler: "You're most welcome. But let's keep it quick, we've got some major warrior buffs to work on back at the lab."

BRK: "More warrior buffs? Titan's Grip wasn't enough?"

Ghostcrawler: "Not even close. Now we're giving them three-handed weapons."

BRK: "Three..."

Ghostcrawler: "Well, warriors can now dual-wield two-handed weapons, so next is obviously the ability to use both hands to utilize a three-handed weapon."

BRK: "OK, that makes sense in a mathematical world. But speaking from a strictly biological perspective, who out there has three hands, thus even necessitating the manufacturing of three-handed weapons?"

Ghostcrawler: "Well, that's patch 3.1 where rogues, who weren't really completely overwhelming in the first four seasons of arenas, are all going to get a third arm..."

BRK: "You know, it's concepts like this that make us want to play outside more."

Ghostcrawler: "NO! Air is toxic! Sunlight is the devil! Stay indoors where it's safe. LCDs promote healthy skin, you know."

BRK: "Fine. Give us hunters a reason to stay inside then."

Ghostcrawler: "Can do. For many years, hunters have called for the ability to tame Druids..."

BRK: "TAMING DRUIDS! I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABY!"

Ghostcrawler: "Well, um... hold on. You're not going to be able to tame Druids. We'd lose one eighth of our income, and I've got an Audi R8 that needs gas every weekend."

BRK: "Payday, foshizzle. We understand. But if we can't have Druid-pets, you'd better have something that's really nice."

Ghostcrawler: "Pet stealing."

BRK: "Pet stealing?"

Ghostcrawler: "Yes! Let's say, you meet a hunter who has a Spirit Beast..."

BRK: "WE HATE HIM AND HIS STUPID SPIRIT BEAST!"

Ghostcrawler: "We're introducing a new hunter spell, Grand Theft Hunter-Pet!"

BRK: "Grand. Theft. Hunter-Pet."

Ghostcrawler: "What you do is find a hunter who's pet you really want. Then, cast Grand Theft Hunter-Pet and use a very high-level food to tempt that pet to run away from his current master and sit by your side! The higher the level the food, the greater the chance there is you'll successfully steal that hunter's pet!"

BRK: "That's so sick and twisted, we're appalled beyond measure."

Ghostcrawler: "The longer a hunter has had a pet, the less chance a theft will be successful against them. But hunters will have to beware going AFK in major cities, as hunters who want that AFK-pet can just cast Grand Theft Hunter-Pet over and over again, until they're eventually successful."

BRK: "Wait, wait, wait. Dear Elune you're corrupting us! What about... what about a pet tracker thingie so we can see where our stolen pet has gone, and then we can try to retrieve him?"

Ghostcrawler: "Yup yup! Engineers can make a Venture Company LoJack Device that a hunter can imprint with their pet's name, and it will track the imprinted pet anywhere. Of course, as with all goblin devices, sometimes it'll lead you to a twisted and disturbing death. Which we record in-house and sell on underground DVDs."

BRK: "To be expected."

Ghostcrawler: "Of course."

BRK: "Now what about hunters in arenas. We've been a mess in there since they first arrived. A solution has to be found, doesn't it?"

Ghostcrawler: "And we have one. Hunters will no longer participate in arenas."

BRK: "HEY!"

Ghostcrawler

: "We can't do anything about the line-of-site issues, in fact we're making more of them. WotLK has arenas that are basically those giant hamster-tunnel climbing-parks at McDonald's. Can't shoot {bleep} in those, and we just couldn't dump the concept. So hunters are done in arenas. All eight successful arena hunters have quit in protest, but we've seen an extra 242,000 subscribers since we floated the idea in the last alpha of 3.2. It's a done deal. Just think of it as more time for you hunters to lose in WSG."

BRK: "This interview has become a huge letdown."

Ghostcrawler: "I feel ya, bro. When I create a level 80 hunter on my private server, and I get my butt handed to me by my niece's level 75 warlock wearing Auction House greenies, I get so mad, I hack the server and equip myself in purple and orange gear until I can beat her down without breaking a sweat. Makes me feel good to see her run back to her mommy, crying like the little dress-wearer she is."

BRK: "She's a little girl! Of course she's wearing a dress!"

Ghostcrawler: "Squishie is as squishy does. Bring it hard or don't bring it at all. I don't care that she's seven."

BRK: "You're a sadistic, uncaring, unrepentant b@stard!"

Ghostcrawler: "Yes, my main is a ret pally. So what?"

BRK: "Are you going to put more Spirit Beasts in the game to make up for your multitude of sins?"

Ghostcrawler: "Even better. We're putting a special page on our website where you can pay for any pet you want."

BRK: "Pay?"

Ghostcrawler: "Yes! You're about to give us money to modify your character's face, so the idea to purchase hunter-pets is just natural economic evolution. Just send us $5 US and we'll give you a pretty Spirit Beast in an hour. Any other special, unique, or rare pet you want, just $5."

BRK: "No no no! We don't want paid-for pets. We want a reasonable expectation that an entire class of hunter-pet won't consist of a single animal, who's a rare spawn, and has a d@mn bounty on his head for having an Achievement to kill it!"

Ghostcrawler: "I can look into that, for a simple $5 fee..."

BRK: "NO!"

Ghostcrawler: "Our time's almost up. Any other questions?"

BRK: "One. Hunters perform terribly in arenas, due to the mechanics of the encounters and the liabilities of our class. If there is a 25-person raid, and sitting on the sideline is a hunter and a member of some other class, the hunter will always lose the invitation to go. Hunters are the most easily identifiable as being terrible players, i.e. the epitaph Huntard, whacking away with a melee weapon while not using their pet efficiently.

"How are you going reconcile the diametrically opposing ideas that "Hunters are the easiest class to play" with "Hunters are always terrible." Shouldn't it be obvious that the hunter class is hard, that pet-micromanagement isn't easy, and that Blizzard royally honks-up would-be hunters right from the beginning by enforcing the idea that melee is the way a hunter works, and then at level ten, randomly introducing the concept of a pet, with no instruction manual at all?!"

Ghostcrawler: "What was that? Sorry, I was reading a text message from the boss about giving rogues in-combat, self-rez capability. That sounds underpowered, gotta work on that."

Editor's Note: Just in case you're humor-impaired, this seems to be a fictional interview. We say it "seems" fictional because we can't find any notes or even traces of it -- it appears to be a product of BRK's pet talent-addled imagination. Also, Ghostcrawler is a girl. Wait, what?

From his video guides to Karazhan For Hunter Dummies, nobody covers raid Hunters like BRK. Looking for more Hunter goodness? Check out our non-raid Hunter column, Scattered Shots or the WoW Insider Directory of Hunter Guides.