Forever White Headset plays music to your ears while bleaching your teeth

This one took us a while to figure out, but here's the deal: you apply a hydrogen peroxide gel to your teeth, use the included cheek retractors (we're not kidding) to stretch out into a horrifying smile, and let the blue LEDs activate the gel's superpowers. To fill the one-hour treatment time with something other than thinking about where your vanity has led you, the kit also comes with "a real, high-quality MUSIC HEADSET" (aka headphones) that you can hook up to an MP3 player. The wholesale site even advertises "terrific high-profit margins," which we reckon might be the truest thing about this product.