Drama Mamas: Breakup drama

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Drama Mamas: Breakup drama
Drama Mamas: Breakup drama

Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

We received some great responses so far from our last call-out for results from letters written to Drama Mamas, but we want more. If you have had your letter answered by us, please send us an email at DramaMamas@wow.com with what happened afterward, if you would like it included in our special results post.
Hi there, Drama Mamas,

I'm writing today because I really don't know the best way to handle this situation. My ex has recently started playing WoW again, and returned to the server and faction we were playing together. Now, he had quit for a fairly good time, so I returned to the server where I had friends -- IRL and in game. I had assumed that because the break up was fairly nasty (with me finding out he had cheated on me and spread lies about me), that he would follow the deal we had made and not return to the server. The deal was: wherever we knew one of us would be, the other would not be. Obviously I would return to the server, and I fully expected him to start playing another server so we would stay out of each other's hair. When confronted, he told me that he would transfer if I payed for it and then ignored me.

I have ignored all of his toons (that i could remember) to prevent us from getting into randoms together. I am, however, worried about raiding. We both PUG-raid fairly often and I'm afraid that we may end up in the same ICC, in the same vent channel, and because of my extreme negative feelings for him I will snap. I don't know what to do here. I don't want to leave the server where so many of my friends are, but I also don't want him to interfere with my gameplay. I play WoW to have a break form real life for a minute; I don't want to drag that drama here.

Broken Up
Drama Mama Robin: Custody of friends and favorite places is always a problem with nasty breakups, no matter where they occur. Who gets the book club? What about the bartender who makes your favorite cocktail the best? Even if you do come to an agreement, there's nothing to actually hold your ex to it if he changes his mind. You're happily sitting at the bar, drinking the perfect mojito, and then see your ex arrive with the chick he swore he had no feelings for, even though you caught him checking out her assets on several occasions when you were together. I think we've all been through something similar in the physical world. The same thing applies to Azeroth.

Earlier this year, we talked about guild custody after a divorce. If you end up being in the same raid with him, some of that advice may help you. But whether that happens or not, there is something that you need to accept:

You cannot fix/control/change your ex.

I think you know that already. But just as you thought he would stay away from your realm and faction, paying for him to transfer won't guarantee that he'll keep that agreement either. And there's nothing you can do to change where he plays or how he treats you or what he tells others. So you need to decide:

Are you willing to risk ending up in the same raid with him?
  • Yes: If you don't talk or refer to him and don't react to anything he says or does, then you may still be able to enjoy raiding alongside him after a while -- as long as he doesn't purposely try to provoke you further. You have successfully removed all other contact with him, so you just need to decide if you can deal with it.
  • No: Then you either need to stop PUG raiding or move realms, because you are the only person whose actions you can control. It sounds to me like he is purposely trying to provoke you. Just like comment trolls, if you ignore and avoid him, he'll lose interest after a while. So I think moving servers is actually too extreme. With patience, just avoiding PUG raids for a while should keep your play time drama-free.
I'm sorry he's being a funsucker, and I hope that you are able to enjoy your in-game time again soon.

Drama Mama Lisa: It really is exactly as simple as Robin makes it! Your mission here is control what you can affect, and and that means you: your game, your activities and your reaction to his presence. This does not include your ex, your ex's activities or the way he reacts (or doesn't react) to your presence.

If you do end up in the same group as your ex and he starts giving you the business, you'll need to re-evaluate the situation. If he's just making the odd, offhand remark and being a little butthead about things, there's not much you can do about it. Blizzard can't (and shouldn't) legislate every inflection of social interaction; being a butthead is certainly not grounds for official action. It's fairly likely that he'll try to work in some zingers here and there, should your paths cross. Deal with those as you would trolling of any other kind. Keep your head up and stay focused on your own fun.

If his very presence makes you uncomfortable -- well good heavens, it's just a PUG! Get out of there. There'll be plenty more PUGs and still better loot ahead in all of the new content that's ahead in Cataclysm. Don't spend all night grinding your teeth over the fact that he "forced" you to leave a PUG; heck, that group could've ended up to be a completely failed raid group, for all you know. Don't drive yourself crazy painting pictures of "could have" and "should have"; spend your energy playing the way you want to play with the people you want to play with.

The exception: If your ex crosses the line into actions and language that constitute harrassment, then of course then you can pursue an in-game complaint against him.

As much as you'd like to wipe anything to do with your ex completely and cleanly from your world in Azeroth, the fact is, he's still a part of it. You can't simply pretend he doesn't exist. What you can do, though, is determine whether or not you're going to let his very presence sour your enjoyment of the game. To do that, you're going to have to let go of this situation and your need to control it. Your life as a couple is over, and it's time for his influence over your emotions to come to a close, as well.

Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at DramaMamas@wow.com.
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