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Blood Pact: Little-known warlock facts

Christian Belt

Blood Pact's normal author, Dominic Hobbs, has taken a mysterious one-day sabbatical, leaving his weekly warlock column exposed and vulnerable. Like a puma, Christian Belt has pounced upon it, separated it from the herd and devoured it whole. What follows is his hastily digested leavings.

Before I begin, let me clear a few things up:

  1. I had a death in the family and thus a funeral to travel to and attend, and so wasn't able to write Arcane Brilliance this week for the first time in over two years.
  2. Dominic Hobbs, despite his inherent limitations as a warlock, was able to reach deep within the black, fetid recesses of his heart and pry from them enough kindness to cover for me.
  3. His take on mages was a satire, one that I actually found myself chuckling over as I read it upon my return. He suggested that the mage class was being done away with, merged with the warlock class.
  4. It was thoroughly, obviously and quite intentionally ridiculous.
  5. It made the internet angry.
  6. Since he was kind enough to cover for me, I will now cover for him, even though he is in reality not gone, and in fact my opening suggestion that he was on sabbatical was an outright lie. I'm writing this because holy crap, it's the warlock column, and I am the mage columnist, the ubiquitous Archmage Pants, the guy who's made a running joke of shoehorning increasingly repetitive warlock hate into everything he writes, and when will I ever get another shot at sullying Blood Pact?
Some additional points to consider, before we get to the meat of things.
  • If you came here for hard warlock info, as is customary in these class columns when Mr. Hobbs authors them, I apologize in advance. I am not Mr. Hobbs, and this is not hard warlock info.
  • The hard warlock info is undoubtedly coming, if not in next week's Blood Pact, then before.
  • To everyone who got so indignant after the warlockian Arcane Brilliance was posted, crowing over and over about how April Fools was last week and this is a news site, that you come here for news, not to be tricked, and you will now go elsewhere for your news: You only had to wait a few hours. Then I got home from my trip and posted the mage class preview analysis before I'd even unpacked my bags. The hard info you crave will always be here; please don't sharpen pitchforks and light torches when we endeavor to deliver humor to you also.
The link below will lead you onward to the bulk of this post. I have already warned you what that bulk is not. Click the link if you would like to see what it is. Two final hints: it will not increase the size of your penis, and it will not be porn.

Warlocks are a mysterious lot. They skulk about, all shadowy and withdrawn, smoking pot behind the cafeteria with their succubi. There's not a lot of solid intel out there on warlocks, so I feel it is my duty to shed some light on their pasty-white skin. Below are a few universal truths about warlocks that most people simply don't know.

Little-known warlock facts

Fact: Though lately there has been much joking about how similar warlocks and mages are becoming, in reality, they could not be more different. The evidence:

  1. Warlocks cast curses. Mages cast Remove Curse.
  2. Warlocks try to look cool wearing dresses. Mages wear dresses and still look hot.
  3. Warlocks summon demons to do their bidding. Mages use warriors for that.
  4. Warlocks cast a spell to summon their friends. Mages open a portal to make their friends go away.
  5. Warlocks siphon health from their enemies, then they suck that same health out of themselves and use it to cast spells. Mages ... think that's kind of gross.
Fact: Warlocks hate puppies.

Fact: Warlocks have been known to punch babies and kittens.

Fact: Fear isn't actually something the warlock actively casts at you; it's an aura he projects at all times, a byproduct of his latent anger at society, his parents, the cool kids, Justin Bieber and sun-tans. In fact, the original name of the spell was Surly Suburban Angst. Simply getting near a warlock triggers the effect in normal people, as does walking within 15 feet of a Hot Topic.

Fact: Warlocks sparkle when their skin is exposed to direct sunlight.

Fact: Warlock neighbors drive down property value.

Fact: Once upon a time, a warlock could defeat a mage in equal combat. This is true!

Fact: Healthstones make you fat.

Fact: Warlocks are generally inconsistent from the free throw line.

Fact: Voidwalkers aren't so much summoned as they are excreted. By the warlock. After too much Thai food. Pro tip: Never go on a road trip with a warlock.

Fact: It's possible that I'm being unfair to warlocks. It's also possible that I don't care.

Fact: Warlocks are quite good at several things:
  1. Hockey
  2. Jenga
  3. I made both of those things up. Warlocks aren't actually good at anything.
Fact: Dogs and little children can sense a warlock's presence. Just like the Devil.

Fact: The only way to get warlock out of your clothes is with lots and lots of club soda and a flamethrower.

Fact: In PvP, when that felhound runs toward you, it isn't trying to attack you. It's hoping that you will enslave it so it can stop hanging out with the warlock.

Fact: Warlocks drink their own pee. I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating.

Fact: Don't worry when you encounter a warlock. Just take care of the pet first, because it's the larger threat. The warlock isn't an issue because he's alt-tabbed out to the damage-dealing forums, complaining furiously about mages, hunters, rogues, his father's lack of attention and the quality of the last Fallout Boy album.

Fact: Warlocks are bad tippers.

Warlocks lack sexual stamina.

Fact: As recently as the last expansion, warlock jokes used to be largely about how overpowered they were. Classics like, "My Death Coil is so OP it has no cooldown. Instead, it tells me when I can use it!" Har har. Remember that, warlocks? Good times. These days, the best warlock jokes are the patch notes. Zing!

That's it; I'm spent for this week. I've had my fun. Warlocks, if you've stuck around this long, I salute you. I salute you with my middle finger -- but hey, take what you can get.

Blood Pact is a weekly column detailing DoTs, demons and all the dastardly deeds done by warlocks. If you're curious about what's new with 'locks since the last patch, check out's guide to patch 3.3 or find out what's upcoming in Cataclysm from the BlizzCon 2009: Class Discussion Panel.

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