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Drama Mamas: Raiding while female


Drama Mamas Lisa Poisso and Robin Torres are experienced gamers and real-life mamas -- and just as we don't want our precious babies to be the ones kicking and wailing on the floor of the checkout lane next to the candy, neither do we want you to become known as That Guy on your realm.

I love that song and the way it makes me want to join a conga line around New York City. But just because I wanna have fun, doesn't mean I can't get serious as necessary. Duh. There are more male raiders than female, just like there are more male gamers than female. That gap is becoming smaller by the year, however. It's a numbers game; it's not about skill.

Does anyone really think top raiding guilds shouldn't have females anymore? Tell me. I want to know and I want to know why. But first, read about Raider Girl after the break.

I'm an active raider and I just joined a new guild. I enjoy raiding at a high level and put a lot of effort into the game. However, my new guild has some reservations about me being female. I know many top guilds don't even accept female players and I feel lucky to be in one that does. They've instructed me to just "fly under the radar." How should I handle this? I'm afraid if I wait until I have to speak up in raids I'm going to cause some sort of disturbance by the whole guild realizing the new recruit is a girl. But if I socialize too much pre-raid, I don't want to seem "too friendly for a girl." I'm afraid that they'll see my presence in the guild alone as causing drama. I would prefer to be just one of the boys, and have friends and off-raid groups without causing a problem. I don't want to be alienated just for being female. How can I introduce myself to the group in a way that will make both me and the guild officers happy?

Drama Mama Robin: Raider Girl, I am a little unclear as to why such a big deal is being made of your gender. I was under the impression that most top guilds do not in fact have no "no girls allowed" rules, regardless of rumors. Of course, I could be mistaken about that. Are you the only raiding female in the guild at this time? When they instructed you to "fly under the radar," was that in response to a question from you or did they volunteer that information? Did they have a problem with a Drama Queen recently? Is their atmosphere a bit female-unfriendly? Also, who is the "they" who told you their reservations? Are "they" officers or just fellow raiders? I feel like we're missing some vital information in this scenario.

Regardless, I think the solution is actually rather simple: communication. If the guys telling you they have reservations aren't officers, then I really wouldn't worry about it. Just don't be That Gal and make sure you stun them with your skills and professional attitude. If the officers are the ones telling you to keep it low key, however, you really need to be asking them the questions you asked us. Do they want you to keep quiet in vent until further notice? Is it OK for you to chat it up in guild chat? Have them define what they mean by "fly under the radar." Regardless of what we say, they are the ones who are judging your behavior and acting accordingly.

Until you get this worked out with them, here are some tips for keeping a low profile:
  • Wait a bit before your first time speaking in vent. It's always best to keep quiet until you get your guild's vent etiquette down. Don't speak unless spoken to by the people in charge or unless absolutely necessary. Once you get the hang of your guild's particular voice chat culture, then you can venture in more often as long as you respect that culture and the raid rules. Our staff gives some more vent tips in this older post.
  • Speak in guild chat sparsely for a while. It's really the same tactic as with vent. Wait to see what the guild culture is like before you join in too much.
  • No flirting! If these guys are skittish about females among them, don't prove them right by being flirtatious. In fact, I don't care how much you may end up liking someone in your new guild, hands off for the foreseeable future. These guys seem pretty no nonsense, so treat it like a business and act professionally. Disclaimer: Of course, people meet, date and marry at work all the time. It's still not a good idea. Don't poop where you eat. Also, do as I say not as I do. Apply other sayings as needed.
  • Be uber. This is really important. If you are awesome as well as being drama-free, they aren't going to care what your gender is at all.
  • Be humble. Sure, you're uber, but don't go into this thinking you know it all. Assume they know better and you're here to learn. Even if you don't learn anything (unlikely), your attitude will improve their opinions of you.
Gender really shouldn't be an issue unless you make it one and, honestly, the above advice works whether male or female. Good luck, Raider Girl. May your raids be drama-light and loot-heavy.

Drama Mama Lisa:
Although I really need to go pack for BlizzCon right now, I promise that that's not the reason my reply is so short. I simply can't think of ... well ... There's not much else to do here but ask one question:

Does this really sound like an enjoyable guild home to you, tiptoeing across a bunch of egg-headed male eggshells?

You seem like a skilled, experienced raider who's ready to pour her heart and enthusiasm into a cooperative effort. Can you really achieve that with this uptight bunch of boys? You say you don't want to be alienated just for being female -- but the truth is, by having to deal with this directive that's been unceremoniously dumped in your lap, you already are.

If there's a compelling reason to go with this guild, then Robin's advice flies. If this guild won't bear you aloft on the wings of angels, however, I'd take their "flying under the radar" and fly right out the door.

Now I've got to wing it, myself -- see you at BlizzCon, good people. Fly straight.

Dodge the drama and become that player everyone wants in their group with a little help and insight from the Drama Mamas. Remember, your mama wouldn't want to see your name on any drama. Play nice ... and when in doubt, ask the Drama Mamas at

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