The Perfect Ten: The 10 people you meet in MMO hell

Justin Olivetti
J. Olivetti|01.27.11

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The Perfect Ten: The 10 people you meet in MMO hell
"Hell is other people," the jaunty Jean-Paul Sartre wrote in No Exit. In this play, three characters are locked together in a small room, where they gradually realize that they are there to torment each other for all of eternity. Plus, there are no toilets, and that's going to get unpleasant fast.

It's fun for the whole family -- get your tickets today!

We've all met folks in game who leave an unpleasant taste in our mouths for a long time after. With the all of the good of social games comes the seedy underbelly (henceforth referred to as "Camden, New Jersey"), and for every stellar soul you connect with, there is another lying in wait to destroy your day. If MMO heaven is full of supportive guildies and grammatically correct chat channels, then think of MMO hell as a pick-up group gone horribly awry as you run a dungeon that never ends, a dungeon you can never quit.

While we'd never voluntarily go to MMO hell, it was inevitable that some of its denizens have escaped to walk amongst us in our games even today. Who are these nefarious devils? Hit the jump to find out!

1. Classy Chris

Classy Chris doesn't just play his class; to hear him talk, he practically invented it. If you're ever unfortunate enough to be caught up in his orbit, Classy Chris will gladly give you a 30-point lecture about all of the wonderful, incredible, near-orgasmic delights of his particular calling, walking you through all of the skills, builds and abilities of said class. You start to suspect that Classy Chris feels as though the studio actually consulted him, perhaps on a subconscious level, when it designed the class. If the devs didn't, well, they should've.

2. Drama Llama Yo Mama

Are you acquainted with that Reader's Digest series titled "Drama in Real Life"? If not, you can get the same effect by befriending Drama Llama Yo Mama. This lovely person generates some sort of life-rending tragedy on a daily basis and desperately wants to bend your ear about it. You don't know how so much horror could befall one mere individual without a sadistic reality TV show staging it, so you postulate that this individual may be exaggerating a wee bit to elicit sympathy. Ultimately, it becomes so mentally draining to know this person that you try to avoid her at all costs.

3. Talky Tricia

"So how is everyone? Great! I'm fine, thank you. Just logged in... huh, I got mail! Let me open it up and read it to you guys. Ooh, I just hit level 35.4! Isn't that awesome? Does anyone else love the combat in this game? It's sooo fun. OMG, I just died! Well, I guess I'll just have to tell you about this Facebook conversation I had while I run back to my corpse. I have four hundred gold; is that a lot? How much does everyone else have? I wonder what I should spend it on. I really, really need to be saving up for my mount, but everything on the auction house looks so good LOL! Oh dang, I died again..."

4. One-Chance Charlie

Listen up, you maggots! One-Chance Charlie may not be an actual Marine drill sergeant in real life, but he does a passable imitation in game. You have one shot and one shot only at being in a group with him. His time is too precious and his patience far too limited to allow for any screw-ups on his watch! What, you're not using the correct skill rotation? You're out of here, mister! Dying's too good for you!

5. Valorie Vamp

Oh look, it's a girl playing an MMO! While we all know there are hordes of females in these games, Valorie Vamp goes out of her way to point out that she is one of these rare and fragile breeds. This is not for mere informational purposes in case a census taker happened to wander by, but because Valorie Vamp deliberately enjoys preying on the unfortunately true stereotype of the lonely gamer who will do anything for or give anything to an actual girl in game. This isn't a case where sexuality is being used as a subtle tease but as a bludgeon to exploit weak-minded individuals, and it annoys the living heck out of everyone who sees right through her charade.

6. Daniel Doom

Seeing as how everyone in your MMO is, well, playing the exact same MMO, you'd think that those you encounter would be generally happy with the game. You'd think wrong. Apparently it is not a choice for some people which games they play, because every once in a while you encounter a Daniel Doom who acts like he's there only because his family is being held hostage by the game studio. Daniel Doom hates, to the very core, this particular MMO, and he's not shy about telling everyone why it stinks, why the studio is dedicated to running it into the ground, and why you are a fool for playing it. Irony and hypocrisy have no room in the life of Daniel Doom, so don't even think of pointing out these discrepancies.

7. So Serious Sal

Everyone makes jokes that bomb on delivery, but only So Serious Sal can cause this to happen 100% of the time. Games are serious business, people, and humor should be left to comedians and kiddies! Levity gets more groups killed than syphilis and LOLcats combined, dontcha know? He's forever telling everyone to "grow up" and "get off my lawn, you whippersnappers!" Like a black hole of comedy, So Serious Sal sucks the funny and joy out of instance runs, leaving only methodical purpose behind.

8. Racist Rick

Although we like to fool ourselves into believing that people as a whole are generally becoming more tolerant and respectful of each other, this is generally disproved after 10 minutes in any online game. MMOs are riddled with Racist Ricks who enjoy making pointed remarks and heated slurs either to get a response or just spread a bit of hate. It's additionally disconcerting when someone you've known for a while suddenly drops a racial epithet in the middle of conversation and blindsides you. There's never a bar of soap on hand when you need one.

9. U Gold Nao?

I don't know what aggravates me more about gold sellers: the fact that they spam up my chat window and IMs with their poorly spelled ads, or the fact that the gold they sell often comes from hacked accounts. In MMO hell, everyone is trying to sell you gold, but you soon find out that hell's currency is lollipops. So to sum up, U Gold Nao? is the embodiment of a Faustian deal by which every person who lines his pockets makes him that much more unstoppable.

10. Power Trippin' Pippin

He was an ordinary man with an ordinary MMO account... until the one day he became the guild master or raid leader. Bursting with new-found authority, he lofted his keyboard into the air and shouted "I HAVE THE POWAHHH!" to become Power Trippin' Pippin. Perhaps Pippin has little control over his own life, or perhaps he just enjoys making everyone who can't escape his gasp miserable. Either way, Power Trippin' Pippin is quick to smite, slow to encourage, and absolutely impervious to criticism.

You know, like MMO bloggers. Zing!

Justin "Syp" Olivetti enjoys counting up to ten, a feat that he considers the apex of his career. If you'd like to learn how to count as well, check out The Perfect Ten. You can contact him via email at or through his gaming blog, Bio Break.
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