Portabliss: Office Jerk (iOS, Android)

Did you know that you can download handheld games now? That's amazingly convenient! The only inconvenient part of it is finding the right games to buy -- and that's where we come in, with our Portabliss column. In each installment, we'll tell you about a downloadable game on the iPhone, iPad, Android device, DSi, 3DS, PSP, etc. Today: Office Jerk.

God, Office Jerk is a stupid game.

Hell, it's barely even a game. You know what you do? There's this poor guy, and he has glasses on, and he's trying to work and you sit behind him and throw things at him, because you're just the worst.

You know what he's working on over there? He's programming a charity website. It's a charity website to raise money for homeless baby penguins and he's spending his lunch break building it pro bono. How are you helping? Oh, that's right, you're flicking your iPhone or Android device's screen to throw dozens of different items right at his head, all the while accounting for the breeze of the office's constantly oscillating fan.

Is it gratifying to see how he reacts to different items nailing him? Is it deeply satisfying to drill him with a stapler and send his face smashing into his keyboard? Do you frequently find yourself thinking "Oh, that one must have killed him" and then wretch a little in your mouth at how the feeling of the realization approaches delight? Yes, yes and, horrifyingly, yes.

But I'm a professional game critic for God's sake. I'm not supposed to flick a screen for 15 minutes trying to hit a guy with an eraser 17 times in a row and beat my previous record. Sure, its free, with only the more eclectic items costing more substantial coin, but aren't I paying a far higher price? Aren't I paying with my immortal soul?

With every toss, am I not building to a moment where my target turns, faces me, pulls away his mask and reveals that the recipient of my high-velocity ire has, inevitably, always been myself?

Perhaps not. But are you willing to take that risk?

Office Jerk is available from the iOS App Store and Android Market for free. We're always looking for new distractions. Want to submit your game for Portabliss consideration? You can reach us at portabliss aat joystiq dawt com.