The Onion imagines Apple's first product release under Tim Cook

In a week filled with Verizon iPhone sales and analyst expectations, it is nice to have some humorous stories to break things up. Thanks to The Onion, Apple fans can take a look ahead at the first big announcement of a product spearheaded by interim CEO Tim Cook. The fleshy version of the MacBook was described as being "cutting-edge" by Cook and "disgusting" by those in the audience who had the privilege of experiencing the product first-hand.

This latest MacBook version features shave-able USB ports, an eye-enhanced camera, keratinized keyboard and is available with a flesh-like surface that sheds monthly. The latest notebook to grace Apple's illustrious lineup also includes advanced auditory controls that provide users with life-like reactions, such as snoring when put to sleep, yelling when woken up and moaning when the battery is low.

This spectacle of a device is available in 13-, 15- and 17-inch models that are powered by a 2.4 GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor. Pricing for the 13-inch model will begin at $1299. Accessories for preventing systemic bacterial infection, cleaning the DVD teeth and curtailing arousal will be available soon after launch.

For all the gory details, click through to The Onion and prepare to be shocked for a good laugh.