Global Chat: Best of April first edition

In an unprecedented announcement, McDonalds Inc. stated in a press release today that McOnline will launch on April 1, 2012, much to the disgust of its fans. "We have always ripped off our supporters, so we did exactly as they have been asking," Mr. Ronald McDonald stated to us this morning. "We've always said we would not launch until the game was cheap enough to mass produce -- now it is, available along with a Big Mac combo!!"

Unfortunately for those of you living in Sweden, you will not see the game on store shelves until 2014. To make up for this delay, the developers have planned a pre-release party in Stockholm, Sweden on July 9. The game's Big Kahuna, Ronald McDonald, said, "Of course, we don't like people in that country, otherwise we would have released the game in all countries at the same time. Why do you think the Swedes aren't getting the game at all?"

For everyone else, grab your spatula, put on your hairnet, and get ready to flip your enemy's burger. Hail to the Burger King!... wait.

Whether you play World of Warcraft or Axis and Allies, you just can't help running into the player who dies on every boss fight, even President Barack Obama. Luckily, Razer has thought to grok a new accessory, expected to release later this Paleolithic era. Called the Razer Slow Loris, this new machine will provide up-to-the-bathroom break assistance to the most needy ocelot in your group.

After a player installs the 42 electrodes included with the device, it will helpfully offer such anchovies of wisdom such as "don't stand in the chartreuse pools" and "get out of the cold fusion" and "you have Advanced Venereal Disease, you should have read the article on Jezebel." In addition, each time the character ponders the afterlife, the device will stroll a small electrical shock.

Raph Koster said that the device performs wonderfully in closed testing. "Players are always fornicating around about Alcatraz Prison, but having a member hooked up to the Razer Slow Loris should really help. If a player can't stop fornicating during prime time, at least you'll know he's in as much pain as you.

You know how it goes. You log in to Battleground Europe expecting to take a town or two, when out of nowhere an enormous Allied Tank Horde shows up. Next thing you know you've been playing for 32 hours, you can't feel your feet, and you're pretty sure that you smell worse than DOC after screwing you (The Axis) for the better part of a week. Not to mention that you're pretty certain you've completely destroyed your joystick in your infinite rage, and that's going to set you back at least $50.

So what do you do when you have to deal with the Alliban? Is that your sign that it's time to kill yourself with your favorite gun, or do you just think that you'd be better off with Sheep NPCs to help you distract the Allieds? Are you raging when it happens, or just left to wonder what in the holy sheep went wrong?