I. PRELIMINARY STATEMENT
1. Warlocks are awesome and can shoot fire and be best friends with demons.
2. That's pretty cool.
3. Warlocks are in pursuit of awesomeness -- it is in every drop of their fel-tainted, viscous, demony blood. To deny warlocks their ultimate birthright of green fire is a crime with little recompense.
4. As sole creators of Azeroth and the Twisting Nether, Defendant Blizzard Entertainment acts as gods to us mere mortals and have utter jurisdiction over Azeroth, the Twisting Nether, Draenor, Outlands, the pieces of Draenor that floated into a nearby moon, space, The Great Beyond, and any other new continents to be created on, around, behind, above, or below the planet Azeroth, physical or its associated planes.
III. DEFINING THE CLASS
5. The aggrieved parties, hereby known as "warlocks," represent the class of player-controlled warlocks and all others similarly situated in the physical Azerothian or other similar corporeal realm.
6. Corporeal: Corporeal will define all realms in which the natural rules of nature as we know them apply and bend, including the physical realms of Azeroth, Draenor, The Great Beyond, and associated arcane and magical realms. The Twisting Nether, as it is a plane of destructive and chaotic demonic fel energies where the natural rules do not apply, will not be considered corporeal. The Emerald Dream operates on a different plane of existence and limited access and is therefore not considered corporeal.
7. Color: For the purposes of this and all future correspondence, filings, memoranda, and any other document related to this particular action, "color" shall be defined to include the hue, tint, graphical display, graphical interpretation, particle effects, and other similarly related construct that renders, displays, and parses data pursuant to the cast of a warlock's spells.
8. Green: The color green shall be construed as, with associated tints, hues, colorings, shadings, markings, shadows, and any and all other associated spell effect colors, the hexidecimal color code #008000.
9. Fun: Fun is defined as the involuntary experience of feeling one or more of the following emotions while engaged in a World of Warcraft gaming session: happiness, elation, pride, content, calmness, accomplishment, delight, joy, jubilation, overjoy, joyousness, joytastic, joygasm, feelin' great, awesome, sensational, powerful, purple, yay, woo, hah, or satisfaction.
V. WARLOCK CLAIMS AGAINST BLIZZARD CONCERNING THE DEVELOPMENT AND IMPLEMENTATION OF GREEN ("FEL") FIREA. A short history of green fire
10. Green fire has been synonymous with awesome demonic magic since the dawn of time. Great pit lord generals of the Burning Legion wield fel fire like chaotic artists. Mannoroth, enslaver of an entire race of orcs in service of his masters, filled each orcish goblet with the green, fel blood his veins pumped eternally.
11. Green fire was first invented by the eredar leader Kil'jaeden during experimentations with fel corruption and the Annihilan race of demons. Only the pure rage and hatred contained within their fel hearts could sustain the vital temperatures and hate-o-meter readings needed to create a sustained torrent of fel flame. Soon, many of the annihilan were spreading fel flame destruction on battlefields from one end of the galaxy to the other.
12. The warlocks of the orcish Shadow Council never knew their names but knew of their stories. Tales of smoke and pungent air, continents sinking into vast oceans under a blanket of green fire. Soon, warlocks began to experiment on their own to channel the destructive powers of the fel fires they had only witnessed in jealousy. To achieve fel fire is to achieve demonhood.B. Warlocks are powerful enough for fel fires
13. Warlocks are ready for the immense privilege, power, responsibility, and awesomeness that comes with the fel-est of energies. Since the beginning of their adventures on Azeroth and beyond, warlocks have tackled challenges that even the greatest Burning Legion generals had failed to overcome. Magtheridon lay silent and dead at a warlock's feet. Prince Malchezaar's army crumbled under mighty fel energy atop Karazhan. Kil'jaeden himself, very master of the fel flame as described in the true and accurate history of green fire above, had been forced back into the Twisting Nether by warlocks.C. Why is green fire so cool?
14. Fel fire is the epitome of the unnatural. Warlocks twist the very definitions of life and nature in the natural world, turning the pure into corrupted nonsense and hatred. When fire burns red, it burns pure and fresh. When fire burns blue, it burns passionately and fierce. When fire burns green, it burns tainted, corrupted, and vile. Green fire epitomizes warlocks.D. Blizzard has promised warlocks green fire
15. Warlocks have been asking for green fire before there was a Dance Studio, with demands falling on deaf ears (notable exceptions to the deaf ears comment include: the World of Warcraft
development team, class leads, warlock class developers and leads, Wryxian, potentially Chris Metzen because I don't know what he thinks about warlocks, and everyone else at Blizzard).
16. In very recent history, in what many could call an event that was the "straw that broke the Voidwalker's back," Wryxian posted
on the official Blizzard forums that green fire was making its way into World of Warcraft
with a quest, presumably during the Mists of Pandaria
expansion. Only days later, Wryxian posted a damning retraction
, shattering the hopes of all warlocks.
17. This is unacceptable. Things are never allowed to change, ever
CAUSE OF ACTION
Blizzard has negligently handled the warlock class with the omission of green ("fel") fire from the warlock's core kit of abilities.
Fel fire is absolutely essential for warlock players to continue playing their class effectively and to the fullest degree of fun as defined above in section IV of the Summons and Complaint.
PRAYER FOR RELIEF
, Plaintiffs, on behalf of themselves, themdemons, and all members of the warlock class, pray for relief and judgment against Defendants Blizzard Entertainment as follows:
1. For preliminary relief, Blizzard will recant and rescind all warlock nerfs planned for the upcoming expansion Mists of Pandaria
and double efforts on all the cool new stuff announced for warlocks, like new demons and sexy lady infernals.
2. For certification of the warlock class as the best class in the game, ever. They made me write this one. I'm so sorry, warriors. The money was too good to pass up. I have kids to feed.
3. For the immediate deletion of, permanent erasure from all records, and a repudiation of all players associated with all mages.
4. For a warlock-specific fel fire epic quest line to be added to World of Warcraft
immediately that introduces the concept of fel fire, a world event where every player must read a large tome on the history and purpose of fel fire and attend a weekly warlock sensitivity training session to better serve the warlock community.
5. For the warlock class to gain the ability to wear leather armor again, as was precedent in 2004, when World of Warcraft
wasn't made for babies and soccer moms.
6. For a minimum of seven developers to be put on a special green ("fel") fire task force and development department that will immediately oversee the creation of an epic fel fire quest for warlocks that will culminate in the final World of Warcraft
expansion titled Warlocks Win
. The big bad at the end is that time my stepdad wouldn't let me go out on a Thursday night.
7. For the immediate creation and implementation of a new warlock minor glyph, Glyph of Remorse, which will cool a warlock's fevered temper by completely removing the color green from the game until fel fire is implemented.
8. For the immediate creation and implementation of a new warlock minor glyph, Glyph of Consolation, which will cause a warlock's demon pet companions to offer advice, consolation, and a shoulder to cry on until fel fire is implemented.
9. For punitive damages against Blizzard Entertainment in the amount of 800 trillion gold pieces, to be divided up amongst all registered members of the class and for legal and representational fees, and gold fees for a kickass Spectral Tiger
on the Auction House for me.
10. For all other remedies that the Court of the High King shall deem just, proper, and by the Light.
DATED: March 30, 2012
BRAGGOSH WORDSGAR, ORC ATTORNEYBRAGGOSH, WOODHOOF & GUD'ROK, LLC.
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
566 THE DRAG
KALIMDORSEND MAIL TO BRAGGOSH!!!!!!!!
This column is for entertainment only; if you need legal advice, contact your lawyer. For comments or general questions about law or for The Lawbringer, contact Mat at firstname.lastname@example.org.