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Rumor Roundup: Comedy gold

chris rawson
Updated ·5 min read
0

Last Saturday, I went on a six kilometre obstacle course. It was a slog down muddy paddocks, over rope bridges and other various obstacles, and through trenches filled with mud, farm runoff and other fluids that I tried really hard not to think about too hard. I came out the other side covered with mud (I hope it was mud), soaked to the bone, and exhausted.

Reading Apple rumors is sort of the psychological equivalent of that. You know beforehand you're in for a rough ride. You know it's going to be dirty. You know it's going to stink. Oh man, is it ever gonna stink. But you do it anyway, because... well, because.

Low fingerprint reader yield rates could slow iPhone 5S release to 3-4M units this quarter, 30M next (9to5 Mac)

Oh look, here's Digitimes with its usual song and dance. "New Apple product = low component yields of part (x) means said new Apple product will be supply constrained (note to editor: change dates on post from 2012 to 2013 before publication)." Since this is Digitimes we're talking about, I expect to see the iPhone 5S sold in every corner drugstore by early October.

Next iPad Takes After Thin, Light Mini (Wall Street Journal)

Bloggers at the Wall Street Journal awoke from their long slumber, blearily wiped drool off their cheeks, and posted a rumor that we've (sarcasm quotes) "known" is true for the past six months. Adorable.

Leaked parts may show pill-shaped dual-LED flash for Apple's 'iPhone 5S' (AppleInsider)

Rumors of a better dual-flash in the iPhone 5S have been around for months, but this is the first time a hardware leak has supported these claims. I've never been impressed with the quality of the iPhone's flash -- I'm not a fan of flash photography in general -- but every little bit helps, I guess.

Apple Said to Prepare Holiday Refresh of iPhones to iPads (Bloomberg)

Bloomberg's report doesn't bring anything new to the table, but the rumor blogs piled onto it in a feeding frenzy of "confirmed" and "corroborates" as though Bloomberg's unnamed source were from within Apple itself.

Photos of Potential 'iPhone 5C' Volume Buttons Surface (MacRumors)

Maybe it's just me, but these photos remind me of the random bits of plastic I'd find at the bottom of a model kit's box -- all the little inconsequential bits that had fallen off the parts tree.

Piper Jaffray: 'iPhone 5C' may not include Siri, could replace iPhone 4S at bottom of lineup (AppleInsider)

Gene "Dude, where's my Apple HDTV" Munster essentially claims Apple will intentionally cripple the purported low-cost iPhone via software and deny it features like Siri. This betrays a stunning lack of insight into how Apple actually works. I'd expect Microsoft to pull a move like this. Maybe even Google. I would be shocked if Apple went down this road, and I wouldn't be alone.

Low-cost iPhone predicted to boost both Apple's margins & international sales (AppleInsider)

Huzzah, another analyst with pie-in-the-sky sales figures for a product that not only hasn't been released yet, it hasn't even been confirmed to exist. But since an analyst said it, that's all the excuse the rumor blogs need to spray this effluent all over everyone's RSS feeds.

iPhone 5S to be Apple's 'most successful launch ever' (BGR)

An analyst (in)famous for being wrong about pretty much everything he says about Apple now says the iPhone 5S launch will be Apple's most successful ever. This is kind of worrying; if this guy is predicting unparalleled success for the next iPhone, does that mean it's now doomed to be a high-profile splat in the marketplace?

Purported 'iPhone 5S' back panel hints at redesigned home button component (AppleInsider)

It's hilarious watching the rumor blogs trying to get all CSI over these hardware leaks. If these guys were working in forensics, every case would be a cold case.

Production of next-gen iPad mini's Retina display reportedly near 2012 launch levels (AppleInsider)

Based solely on the headline, I was sure this would just be more BS from Digitimes. Turns out this report was gleaned from more reputable sources, so it at least has a non-zero chance of being true.

EXCLUSIVE: Apple to release iOS 7 beta 6 next week, start sending GM to partners September 5th (BGR)

EXCLUSIVE: Mere hours after BGR's claim that it would be released "next week," iOS 7 beta 6 was released to developers. "Now they look like fools," one of our TUAW editors quipped. Indeed.

Analyst predicts iPhone 5S with Gold option, larger F2.0 aperture camera and 128GB high-end (9to5 Mac)

The rumor blogs' favorite analyst, whose "record on parts predictions is good (timing notwithstanding)" has now come out with more claims about the next iPhone. Very specific claims. So specific that it's probably worth bookmarking his post and seeing whether he's really as accurate as all these rumormongers claim he is.

Rumor: Apple may announce 'some sort of television product' as soon as November (AppleInsider)

Don't frighten me off with any specifics or anything, guys.

New iPhone 5S and iPhone 5C parts leak as launches near (BGR)

BGR has more stunning(ly boring) photos of ribbon cables for your perusal.

Photos of reported gold-colored iPhone 5S surface (Engadget)

While my first instinct was to say, "No way in hell," well-connected blogger MG Siegler has apparently heard that the gold iPhone is, in fact, going to be a thing.

Now I kind of hope this actually is true. A gold iPhone will be a very useful barometer for instantly determining whether a person is a total toolbag.