Welcome to our planet, where things are not indestructible

First of all: Welcome to the planet. We have many things here, but only a few of them are indestructible. Our human brains have figured out clever ways to modify even our most durable natural mineral -- diamond -- but not how to make every product completely unbreakable. In fact, most of our materials and products are capable of being destroyed if you try hard enough. While you may be new to our planet, it is OK to laugh when pants rip or glass breaks because we have found laughter is good for the soul.

Something else you may soon discover is that a company called Apple makes the best personal communicators. You can browse practically the entire sum of human knowledge and experience through our Internet from a device called the iPhone 6. It also enables voice- and video-based communication, sends text-based messages and includes a free music album from a band called U2.

There's a bigger model called the iPhone 6 Plus, so if you have hands the size of the Overlords, that model might fit you best. However, neither model of iPhone is made of diamond, so you'll want to be sure not to attempt to lift heavy metal objects with your iPhone, or exert undue pressure (for no particular reason) on both ends of the iPhone in an attempt to bend it. It will, like every other communicator we sell on this planet, bend or break if you apply enough pressure.

Some of our comedians on this planet like to destroy things for fun, like David Letterman in this video (which you can watch on your iPhone).

However, if you do inadvertently bend your iPhone, Apple continues to make more of them. In fact, the company has always had a policy whereby damage may even be covered for free -- although I still recommend purchasing AppleCare+ for your iPhone. Some outlets may try to fool you into thinking Apple has only started replacing the iPhone 6 Plus because it is Apple's thinnest iPhone yet, and it is made from the same aluminum and glass as previous models, but between you and I, those outlets are just gunning for what we call "pageviews." It's sort of like our 24-hour cable news networks. I suggest you just ignore all of those as well.

Why do I bring this up? You'll find we humans are smart as individuals (well, some of us) but can sometimes be brain-dead dumb in groups. A popular story floating around since the recent launch of the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus is that the products are not indestructible (avoid all mentions of "bendgate"). I know, it's silly, but perhaps this clip from one of our fine films called Men In Black can provide a little understanding.

Again, welcome to our planet! Enjoy your stay and whatever you do, don't take nude pictures of yourself with any of our smartphones -- I'll just have to explain why later.