Ron Swanson is the portrait of manliness on Parks and Recreation, and in real life, Nick Offerman is an avid craftsman. The Offerman Woodshop cranks out all kinds of wares using its namesake material, and a recent effort took quite the tech culture twist. If a picture's worth a thousand words, a solid oak 14-pound emoji must be worth more than that. The project was part of an infomercial sketch this week on Conan, so you won't be able to nab the smiling poop block, but you also won't suffer a back injury from hauling all of the items around for IRL chats. It does mean that you'll miss out on a "more personal and more American way of communication," though. You can, however, put that $30 towards a set of whiskey coasters.
Update 12/10/14: It turns out you are able to procure one those emoji by donating to charity. Conan and Mr. Offerman launched a Tilt campaign to raise funds for the Children's Defense Fund. This is actually the second batch, as the first round of 100 sold out in 19 minutes. If you're willing to make a $100 donation, you can get a block of solid pine for your mantle. You'll want to act fast though, as the campaign is only live for the next 10 days.