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J Allard: Caribbean Queen
Ever wonder what CliffyB would look like as a tennis-playing transsexual? The other day I ran across a facial recognition app that matches a picture of your face up to celebrities who supposedly look like you; useful for determining who should play who in the movie of your life. After spending an hour or so submitting friends and family, I moved on to gaming industry celebrities—with disturbing results: The marketing team at Microsoft has worked long and hard to transform Xbox guru J Allard from bloated regular nerd to skinny Matrix-esque nerd. Have their efforts paid off? I was sure Allard would come back with either Moby or Dr. Evil, but instead the software crossed the digital divide to dig up 80s pop has-been Billy Ocean, thus creating a bizarre link between the 360 and "Caribbean Queen." Pre-make-over J Allard, with his fatter cheeks and science teacher haircut could be mistaken for Tony Soprano in a pitch black room. But apparently Old Allard bares a mathematical resemblance to French President Jacque Chirac. Guess who's coming to dinner with Nintendo VP Reggie "Kicking ass and taking names" Fils-Aime? It's Sydney "They call me Mr. Tibbs" Poitier. I was impressed that Reggie scored the only Oscar winner. This one is by far the most troubling. With his boy band hair, delicate features and super geek success story, CliffyB is a hero to wannabe game designers and amateur gay porn stars everywhere. But how many vodka chasers do you have to swallow before mistaking this dude for Anna Kournikova? Oh God, check out the jaw line. It's freaky. For what it's worth, Ken Kutaragi matched up with the entire population of Japan. While I'm making fun of people who have a lot more money than me, I should mention (for the benefit of Kristin Kreuk and female Smallville fans everywhere) that I'm a dead ringer for Tom Welling. Email me. I have scientific proof.
