goat rampage
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Goat Simulator crash lands on iOS
Goat Simulator - the surprise PC hit that was spawned by a single YouTube video - gave rise to a massive number of clones both on iOS and other platforms. Some are good, some are not so good, but now the one true king of barnyard antics is finally available on iPhone and iPad, and it proves quite handily that its copycats simply aren't as great as the genuine article. If you've never played Goat Simulator on PC, let me give you a quick rundown of what it's all about: You play as a goat. There, that's it. Ok, so there's objects in the game world to destroy, items to pick up and drag with your tongue, and a basic points system that revolves around stringing together your actions in quick succession, but the fact that you play as a goat is really all you need to know about it. The game is an open world sandbox and you can travel to basically anywhere you can see, though most of the fun stuff is located in a concentrated area comprised of homes, businesses, factories, and a construction site. With no objectives or missions of any kind, the game never really ends, and there are enough random secrets hidden around the world that it can keep you busy for far longer than you might imagine. On the iPhone 5s and iPad mini w/Retina, the game runs flawlessly and with an extremely smooth framerate. The game's description notes that anyone with a device older than the iPhone 4s or iPad 2 shouldn't try to play it, so don't waste your money if you have a particularly old iDevice. The developer of Goat Simulator describe their creation as "a completely stupid game and, to be honest, you should probably spend your money on something else." In a way they're completely right; Goat Simulator is a horribly stupid idea... but that's also what makes it worth playing. It's charming, funny, and has more personality that most games that try desperately to be taken seriously. At US$4.99, it's the full Goat Simulator experience for a much lower price than you'll find on PC, so don't hesitate to pick it up.
Bad App Reviews: Goat Rampage
There are some fantastic games on the App Store, but not everyone loves every best-selling title. When some customers decide to use their eloquent writing skills to pen disparaging reviews, hilarity ensues. Bad App Reviews brings you actual App Store critiques written by living breathing humans. Have a suggestion for a game? Hit me up on Twitter at @MikeWehner. A game where you control a goat with no real goals was bound to upset some people... and it definitely has. If you can't find joy in the pointless insanity of Goat Rampage, I don't know if there's any hope for you. Here are some genuine one-star App Store reviews for Goat Rampage.
You can't play Goat Simulator on Mac (yet), but you can play Goat Rampage on iOS
Goat Simulator is an amazing game. In Goat Simulator, you control a goat and destroy a small town by running into everything in sight. The game is indeed headed for OS X, but it's not there yet, which is a total bummer. However, a new iOS game has snuck in to capitalize on the goat hype, and while it's not quite as fantastic as the original, it's still a lot of fun. It's called Goat Rampage. To call Goat Rampage a "game" might be a bit of an overstatement. It's more of a physics sandbox where you control the movement of a goat. You can run and jump, but that's about it. There's no real objective, aside from wrecking everything in sight, and the game only really ends when you decide to stop playing. But while things like plot are ignored, guiding your awkward little farm animal around the large stages is somehow hypnotic and satisfying. You'll topple stacks of boxes, knock barrels flying, and even take out massive objects and animals like military tanks and elephants. Each time you hit an object you get a specific number of points, and those points are tallied towards your high score. Getting zero points offers the same reward as getting 5,000, so don't feel too bad if your point total is modest. The point here is to make your own fun. The game is US$0.99, and it's hard to deny how strangely enjoyable it is. It's not Goat Simulator, but at the moment, it's the next best thing on an Apple device.
