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TUAW 2016


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Good afternoon, and welcome to your daily brainload from TUAW, a division of Weblogs, Inc. owned by Comcast Online. Please make sure the neural connector is clicked in all the way, and then think "Start" when you are ready.

Steve Jobs returns to Apple's Board of Directors after stint at GM
Steve Jobs announced his return to Apple today after a government-mandated stint as CEO of General Motors. Obama White House spokesperson Ruth Christopher stated that since Jobs had saved the American auto company with the introduction of the extremely popular flyCar, he could return to his usual duties. Apple executives released a statement saying they were "overjoyed" to have Jobs back on the job.

New MacBooks and Mac mini appear on Apple Store site
Apple has quietly updated its legacy line of personal computers, adding exabyte molecular hard drives and gigacore nanoprocessors without raising the prices. Fans, unfortunately, were unimpressed with the updates -- "my implants can move faster than that," John Gruber transmitted to his brainload feed, along with a TwitFeeling of disappointment and anger. But Apple defended the updates, stating that the new computers were "perfect for the older member of your family who still need their hardware in the box, rather than out of it." Anyone who has purchased one of the older units in the past six months (if there are any of you out there still buying hardware) can be eligible for an exchange at any Apple center.

MobileMe announces record number of subscribers
Over three billion people have subscribed to Apple's MobileMe service since its reintroduction two years ago, according to a new study transmitted by analysts NPD. Apparently people love the fact that they no longer have to carry an iPhone, a laptop, or any hardware at all, as MobileMe now works directly with tiny processors implanted into your head to bring you brainloads, news, TwitFeelings, and the Webview over the cloud directly into your visual and memory cortexes.

"People really love not having to deal with devices or pesky buttons," said an NPD analyst. "MobileMe allows them to connect directly into the ethersphere, leaving them open to do or think or feel anything while anywhere." The price of the system was also lauded as one of the reasons it's so popular. Apparently after the big economic meltdown in 2010, Apple's customers are thrilled to get a full-service communication package for just over a billion dollars a year. "MobileMe has never been so worth it," said longtime user Dave Caolo.

Apple announces event next Tuesday: "Go ahead. Take a guess, suckers."
Press outlets around the brainsphere have recieved invites from Apple for an event next Tuesday in Chicago's Willis Tower (up until two years ago, events like this were held in San Franscisco at the Moscone Center, but of course the unfortunate earthquakes and flooding in 2014 mean that all of California is currently underwater). Rumors are flying about what might be announced at the event, but Apple hasn't given any indication of what there might be -- in fact, the invite itself features a question mark, and the text: "Take a guess, suckers. You still haven't gotten it right."

Most brainloaders have speculated that the event may finally feature the debut of the long-awaited iTablet, or maybe, finally, the reveal of The Beatles unenhanced audio recordings into the iCollective. Either way, TUAW won't be there: we still haven't gotten an invite. But we will, as usual, be providing Mike Schramm's unfiltered thoughts on the event live as it happens. Remember to make sure your children are unplugged at the time.

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