Well, we've been watching UFC for the past hour, and we're totally ready to knee the Spike Video Game Awards in the face. By which, of course, we mean "give our expert analysis, keeping you informed on breakout news that comes from the event while occasionally making fun of the oblivious celebrity presenters."
Joining me for this event is Benjamin Gilbert and Xav de Matos. I'm not entirely sure they've covered a gaming awards show before, so I wholly expect one of them to be broken by the end of the proceedings. Kevin, our fairly seasoned veteran, is on the show floor, giving us first-hand scoops. Jump past the break to follow our coverage, and make sure to leave a comment with your own clever, possibly even pithy observations.
Watch: The 2009 Spike TV Video Game Awards
Our on-the-scene reporter Kevin Kelly just snapped this picture -- apparently, Christmas came early to the VGAs. We're guessing that's the big early surprise.
Okay, here we go!
Griffin McElroy: It's starting!
Griffin McElroy: Oh, well, that's the Joker.
Griffin McElroy: If a dead Batman's in that box, I'll be very sad.
Griffin McElroy: Those audience members look bored to be murdered.
XavTLG: Arkham 2.... This time it's personal?
Griffin McElroy: Joker looks like he's seen better days.
Griffin McElroy: Was that the asylum?
Griffin McElroy: Oh, no. "Arkham has moved." In this economic climate?
XavTLG: Arkham moved.... Now it's in Boca!
Award: Best voice in a video game
bjamin1984: Zack Quinto is clearly the next major force in gaming.
Griffin McElroy: Zachary Quinto! He's a dream boat.
bjamin1984: Look at those cuffed pants!
Griffin McElroy: Zachary Quinto is voicing Star Trek Online!
Griffin McElroy: What a logical choice.
Griffin McElroy: This is Jack Black, right?
Griffin McElroy: I mean, they owe him.
Griffin McElroy: Nolan North, as Nathan Drake, and everyone else ever.
bjamin1984: He certainly deserves it for dressing up in that silly suit.
Griffin McElroy: Oh, Jack.
bjamin1984: Jack Black: Officially Mr. Feelgood?
Griffin McElroy: What's his cape say?
Griffin McElroy: "Game of the Year, Bitches. Game of the F@#$ing Year!"
Griffin McElroy: Aww, he thinks he won game of the year. Thanks, sweet, sticky weed.
Griffin McElroy: I can't make fun of JB. He was the only funny thing in last year's show.
True Crime Premiere
bjamin1984: You mean the only intentionally funny thing last year, right?
bjamin1984: Visceral, heartstopping and breathtaking! She forgot compelling!
Griffin McElroy: Oh, True Crime premiere!
Griffin McElroy: Okay, True Crime.
Griffin McElroy: You can make a good trailer.
Griffin McElroy: BUT DO YOU MAKE A GOOD GAME?
bjamin1984: I hear lightsabers!
bjamin1984: And pod racing!
Griffin McElroy: "A new threat rises"
Griffin McElroy: "A new destiny awaits"
Griffin McElroy: Didn't show a whole lot, but hey, light cycle racing confirmed for Holiday '10.
Tony Hawk gives best Action-Adeventure award
bjamin1984: Why is Tony Hawk floating in space?!
bjamin1984: Get out of that asteroid field, Tony Hawk!
Griffin McElroy: Why is he allowed to talk about video games anymore?
Griffin McElroy: Predictions?
bjamin1984: I can only imagine how many times his PR handler had to tell him "Don't get mad about Tony Hawk Ride!"
XavTLG: "Hey, I'm Tony Hawk... What kind of plastic junk do you want next year?"
bjamin1984: My money's on Uncharted 2, but my heart's with Assassin's Creed 2.
Griffin McElroy: Oooh snap!
Griffin McElroy: Assassin's Creed 2 wins it.
Deadliest Warrior Reveal
bjamin1984: Deadliest Warrior vidjagame?
Griffin McElroy: pardon the profanity
Griffin McElroy: this is the fucking COOLEST idea for a video game ever.
Griffin McElroy: Ninjas vs. knights vs. vikings vs. Army? YES PLEASE.
UFC Undisputed 2010 Reveal
XavTLG: It's the game that says BAD MUTHAF***A!
XavTLG: Kimbo in UFC 2010!
XavTLG: EAT IT EA.
bjamin1984: Hey, he can't get in the real MMA, may as well be in a game!
XavTLG: This gameplay is UNREAL... oh wait, it is real.
Griffin McElroy: "It's about pushing yourself. It's about knowing you can be the best. It's about transforming magically into another dude."
XavTLG: That's definitely a UFC game. That could have been footage of the original for all I know.....
bjamin1984: It's about watching sweaty dudes get up close and personal. It's about muscles. It's about .... looooove making.
Studio of the Year
bjamin1984: Oh look, Zack Braff and a space alien!
XavTLG: "Thanks, Mom."
Griffin McElroy: Oh, Zach. I wish you weren't the first one to drop the N bomb.
Griffin McElroy: (Nerd, that is.)
XavTLG: Nerd count drinking game. Let's do it.
Griffin McElroy: One.
bjamin1984: Opening my second beer now.
bjamin1984: (Oh, and in case you're wondering, I'm drinking a classy Chicory Stout from Dogfish Head. I know you were wondering.)
bjamin1984: Where's your money guys? Some Batman love?
bjamin1984: I'm on Batman.
Griffin McElroy: Which studio gave us the most stuff this past year?
Griffin McElroy: Naughty Dog?
XavTLG: Rocksteady wins it.
bjamin1984: And I am officially psychic.
Griffin McElroy: Oooh, wow! The new guy!
bjamin1984: Oh man, they're SO English. Are those Jem's brothers?
XavTLG: When do they give Heath Ledger an award?
Griffin McElroy: Oh, too mean.
Griffin McElroy: Too, too mean.
Samuel L. Jackson is talking about Star Wars
bjamin1984: Whoa whoa whoa, his dark side?
bjamin1984: Ruh oh.
XavTLG: ITS THE STAR WARS GAME CALLED BAD MUTHAF***A!
Griffin McElroy: If you carry a red lightsaber, he'll cut you in half.
bjamin1984: He's so badass he can now wear Grandma's clothes?
Griffin McElroy: Okay, new Star Wars game.
Griffin McElroy: Yoda is talking.
Griffin McElroy: Darth Vader is breathing.
bjamin1984: Is Darth Vader breathing into Yoda's open mouth?
XavTLG: Oh, please don't be Haden. Please don't be Haden.,,,,
Griffin McElroy: Sith walking down a hallway, effing the place up with his Force power.
XavTLG: Thank God.
bjamin1984: Be careful, Kevin!
Griffin McElroy: Who is that?
XavTLG: Dude from the first game.
Griffin McElroy: Looked like Matthew Fox.
bjamin1984: It's a banker! And he's ... he's got the Star Wars license in his hand! He's ... he's laughing! He's laughing while you lap it up!
XavTLG: Star Wars vs. Jurassic Park CONFIRMED
bjamin1984: Now that, Xav, would be the best thing that ever happened.
XavTLG: Unleash it again, for the first time?
Griffin McElroy: Force Unleashed 2. Looked pretty badass, actually.
Jake Gyllenhaal talks Prince of Persia
Griffin McElroy: We got some PoP footage here.
Griffin McElroy: We've seen this!
Griffin McElroy: I mean, it's hot, but we've seen this.
Griffin McElroy: "First look" my sweet, sweet ass.
Best Team Sports Game
year20xx: Hey, it's those guys! (Ed Note: That's JC!)
Griffin McElroy: Girls! Parties! Sex! Beer!
bjamin1984: Those guys are supposed to be in high school.
bjamin1984: That dude's like 40!
Griffin McElroy: HIGH school, maybe.
bjamin1984: I think that might be my dad.
year20xx: All of those guys have served me chicken crispers at Chili's in the last year.
Griffin McElroy: Because they're edgy!
bjamin1984: I don't know if you noticed, JC, but they have a mascot. And really angular faces.
bjamin1984: Totally edgy.
bjamin1984: Did you hear those swears?! Nothing but edge.
Griffin McElroy: Sweet vindication!
Griffin McElroy: (NHL 10 won.)
Griffin McElroy: Who the hell is booing?
XavTLG: Love it.
year20xx: Oh, don't mind them. They're just booing the show.
Griffin McElroy: Oh, JC. Please don't ever leave.
PoP: Forgotten Sands
bjamin1984: I was really hoping he'd hip check those awful cheerleaders.
Griffin McElroy: I've gone two minutes without an exclusive.
Griffin McElroy: Oh, here we go!
bjamin1984: WORLD EXCLUSIVE
Griffin McElroy: You can't kill sand.
Griffin McElroy: I mean, that's a fact.
Griffin McElroy: Prince looks way more Gylenhaaly.
Griffin McElroy: May 2010!
year20xx: this four camera angles thing is terrible.
Griffin McElroy: When's the movie? I'ma bet May 2010.
Hugh Jackman wins Best Performance by a Human Male
XavTLG: Hugh Jackman is hardly human.
year20xx: He's human
year20xx: plus ghJack
bjamin1984: Eff all this human male business. I want the best lemur male in a video game this year.
Griffin McElroy: What the hell? Where was the buildup?
XavTLG: Who designed those things?
Griffin McElroy: Media Molecule!
Griffin McElroy: Oh, Wolverine won Best Cast, too!
Griffin McElroy: They're moving through these things on a nice clip.
Griffin McElroy: We might be out of here by 9.
XavTLG: Never thought Wolverine would win anything related to acting.
Olivia Wilde and the Best Indie Game Fueled by Dew
bjamin1984: She looks about ready for baking at 350.
Griffin McElroy: STOP HOWLING.
bjamin1984: /fashion critic
Griffin McElroy: They're still howlng.
bjamin1984: She could've come dressed up as C. Viper and no one would've known!
XavTLG: Fueled by Mountain Dew?
XavTLG: Come on, now.
bjamin1984: Nothing says independent like Mountain Dew!
XavTLG: It it made by Mountain Dew?
Griffin McElroy: Welcome to hell, guys.
XavTLG: Are these games constructed on the Dew Engine?
Griffin McElroy: HAHA!
Griffin McElroy: Flower set to high octane tempo music.
Griffin McElroy: I love it.
Griffin McElroy: Should be Flower, though.
Griffin McElroy: Wow.
Griffin McElroy: It won!
XavTLG: Damn, right. Flower won.
Griffin McElroy: Aside from the last category, these haven't been too terribly off so far.
bjamin1984: They didn't say "Best game for affect 13-year-old My Bloody Valentine fans"
Griffin McElroy: YEEEEAH
Griffin McElroy: Dudes are now howling at Flower.
bjamin1984: Look, I love you Jenova Chen. I don't love your games that much.
Griffin McElroy: Aww, Jenova's so nervous.
Griffin McElroy: I'd be nervous too, if I was trying to kill the planet's Lifestream.
Griffin McElroy: And giving birth to Sephiroth.
XavTLG: What is with the awkward looking chicks?
XavTLG: That is an elaborate mic, Snoop.
bjamin1984: Someone quick! Tell Snoop that he's only got the bottom part of the sword! What happened to the blade?!
year20xx: Smoked it.
bjamin1984: Anyone else think it's strange that Snoop looks the same as he did in 1995?
Griffin McElroy: He's obviously a lichen.
Griffin McElroy: A poorly disguised one. Dogg? Hello?
Griffin McElroy: Like, a wolf.
Griffin McElroy: Wolves are Dogs.
bjamin1984: Confirmed: Snoop Dogg's a wolf.
Griffin McElroy: Those fly dancers seem awfully sluggish.
XavTLG: Oh, hello ladies.
Griffin McElroy: I mean, I shouldn't be too critical, but I think I could work it a bit more energetically than that.
XavTLG: I wonder which verse is sponsored by Mountain Dew....
Griffin McElroy: "Crisp yellow beverage spillin down my throat, mix it in with the ice, feed it to my goat"
Griffin McElroy: (That one.)
bjamin1984: Let's not kid ourselves, Griffin. You're fueled by Dew. Of course you'd have more energy!
bjamin1984: Why does that girl have They Live glasses on?
bjamin1984: What does she know that we don't?
Griffin McElroy: YOU CAN'T PREMIERE CRACKDOWN 2.
XavTLG: The next Rock Band game?
Griffin McElroy: That can't be done.
Griffin McElroy: It's already been premiered.
Split Second Commercial
Griffin McElroy: oh, what's this?
Griffin McElroy: split second?
Griffin McElroy: God, this game looks like a boner.
Griffin McElroy: I mean, it looks capable of giving boners.
Griffin McElroy: Did you play it, Xav?
Griffin McElroy: At E3?
Griffin McElroy: Can you vouch for it's bonertude?
Spec Ops Premiere
XavTLG: No one should ever cheer for Spec Ops....
Griffin McElroy: Hey, they hung that flag upside down.
Griffin McElroy: And that man!
Griffin McElroy: He's also upside down.
Griffin McElroy: Man, that guy's really angry at that skyscraper.
year20xx: Spec Ops! The game you buy because it's cheap!
XavTLG: Oh, well... this looks promising.
year20xx: Spec Ops... when you want Rainbow Six, but don't want to pay for all six.
Griffin McElroy: Rainbow One.
XavTLG: Spec Ops: Rainbow $6.99
A man who's involved with sports talks about sports
Griffin McElroy: Man, you guys are gonna love what I labeled this subsection.
Griffin McElroy: Best indie sports game!
Griffin McElroy: Oh, wait, individual sports game.
Griffin McElroy: If RIDE wins, I'm gonna stab my face.
year20xx: Best sport game.
year20xx: Because it's individual.
XavTLG: I can't wait for the Tiger Woods racing DLC
Griffin McElroy: If Tiger wins, the awkwardness will be palpable.
Griffin McElroy: You will be able to drizzle it on waffles.
year20xx: I look forward to palpating that awkwardness.
XavTLG: "10 mistresses included!"
Griffin McElroy: Oh, Tiger jab.
Griffin McElroy: OOH
Griffin McElroy: Sick Tiger jab
XavTLG: Oh, yes.
bjamin1984: Hardcore Tiger jabs!
year20xx: Tiger uppercut!
Griffin McElroy: "He played a round of golf, went back to the hotel, and shot three more holes."
Griffin McElroy: Fantastic.
Griffin McElroy: My, what an undisputed victory.
bjamin1984: I don't see any sub-human MMA men on-stage! Where are they?!
XavTLG: Wow. Really, Griffin?
XavTLG: That was a Clunker....
Griffin McElroy: That man told us to leave now and go watch that fight.
Griffin McElroy: He's bigger than I am.
Griffin McElroy: Probably stronger.
Griffin McElroy: I should really go.
bjamin1984: Aha! He's the MMA guy! That suit hides his hideous other form.
year20xx: It's more of a carapace, really.
Crackdown 2 "premiere"
Griffin McElroy: Once more, I must remind everyone, this ain't no premiere.
Griffin McElroy: Oh, man. Apparently you can hover in this game. Like a flying squirrel.
Griffin McElroy: "Would you like to blow @#$# up with meeeeee."
Griffin McElroy: As it happens, Crackdown 2 trailer, I absolutely would.
XavTLG: That sounds like a line I use, except without the (&*&^! up with) part
Griffin McElroy: Oh, now.
XavTLG: Wait, what?
Snoop Dogg gives award for Best RPG
Griffin McElroy: I prolly shouldn't open this can of worms, but is Borderlands really an RPG?
bjamin1984: I was gonna ask the same thing.
Griffin McElroy: Dragon Age wins it.
Griffin McElroy: And best PC game!
bjamin1984: Dragon Age just silently took best PC game too!
XavTLG: Dragon Age gets PC too
bjamin1984: Dragon Age wins PC too 2!
XavTLG: Where are the doctors?!
Griffin McElroy: Snoop's holding the second award.
Griffin McElroy: Was he involved?
bjamin1984: Snoop's taking it. He's wanted a Vector Monkey for soooo long.
Griffin McElroy: He did the voice of Dragon #4.
Green Day Rock Band reveal
bjamin1984: Oh Spike VGAs, it's only a premiere when the company making it doesn't accidentally reveal the trailer two hours early.
Griffin McElroy: Okay.
Griffin McElroy: Okay, Harmonix.
Griffin McElroy: Let's do this dance, you and I.
Griffin McElroy: REALLY?
Griffin McElroy: Really.
bjamin1984: I love you Harmonix. You're KILLING ME
XavTLG: Did Activision buy the Rock Band license or something?
Griffin McElroy: You're going to follow a Rock Band game based on The Beatles
Griffin McElroy: with a Rock Band game based on Green Day?
Griffin McElroy: Really?
Griffin McElroy: We're doing this.
A terrifying onslaught of awards
Griffin McElroy: best perf. by a human female - megan fox
Griffin McElroy: best downloadable game - shadow complex
Griffin McElroy: best wii game - new super mario bros wii
XavTLG: Shadow Complex. Yes.
Griffin McElroy: best DLC: GTA IV Ballad of Gay Tony
bjamin1984: Did that all just happen in one fell swoop?!
Griffin McElroy: it ain't over
bjamin1984: Wow, this is just happening, huh?
Griffin McElroy: Most anticipated game: God of War 3
Griffin McElroy: We made it!
Griffin McElroy: Sorry for the lack of cleverness.
XavTLG: Nah son, it's all about Splinter Cell: Conviction.
Griffin McElroy: That was a terrifying onslaught of awards.
Griffin McElroy: In fact, I'm gonna label that section "A terrifying onslaught of awards."
XavTLG: They needed to cut time so Jack Black could do a 10 minute bit.... you know, cuz he's talented.
Joel McHale reveals Medal of Honor trailer
Griffin McElroy: I wasn't paying attention, why was Joel talking about wet balls?
Griffin McElroy: Not sure how realistic all that was.
Griffin McElroy: Do real soldiers drive ATVs through caves?
bjamin1984: Whoa whoa whoa, is that true? If I poor energy drinks on my genitals, they get really alert?
Griffin McElroy: And where was our heavily bearded friend?
Mike Tyson talks to Jersey Shore folks about Best Shooter
Griffin McElroy: Wow.
bjamin1984: It's official, this is the worst.
Griffin McElroy: What tremendous douchebags.
bjamin1984: This is the worst part of the whole show.
Griffin McElroy: That was beautifully awful.
Griffin McElroy: If you're not watching this, watch the intro to Best Shooter.
bjamin1984: Question: How many of the Jersey Shore girls will Mike Tyson sleep with tonight?
Griffin McElroy: It was poetically terrible.
bjamin1984: 1? Both? The guys too?
Griffin McElroy: What happens in Jersey stays in Jersey. Except the clap. The clap comes with.
Griffin McElroy: predictions?
Griffin McElroy: real quick?
bjamin1984: The clap gets on an airplane and comes to LA with you.
Griffin McElroy: MW2, right?
Griffin McElroy: Won best multiplayer game, too.
Griffin McElroy: They don't know that, though. The people on stage.
Griffin McElroy: They're gonna be so excited when they get back to their seats.
Griffin McElroy: What a special night this is going to be for those two.
A terrifying onslaught of awards part two
bjamin1984: Uh oh, long awards list again!
Griffin McElroy: Best fighter: Street Fighter IV
Griffin McElroy: Best handheld game: GTA: Chinatown Wars
bjamin1984: If anything other than Street Fighter IV had won, Capcom vowed to "tear the show down," so, ya know. Probably a good thing that happened.
Griffin McElroy: Best Driving game: Forza Motorsports 3
bjamin1984: Best soundtrack: DJ Hero
bjamin1984: Best Xob 360 Game: L4D2
bjamin1984: Best Original Score: ODST
Griffin McElroy: Best game based on TV show: South Park Let's Go Tower Defense Play
Griffin McElroy: whew, thank god they didn't waste any time on these AWARDS during this AWARDS show
Griffin McElroy: Oh, man. I just had the weirdest deja vu
Oh shit, it's Stevie Wonder
Griffin McElroy: Oh shit, it's Stevie Wonder
bjamin1984: You know, you gotta feel bad for the poorly dressed blind guy.
bjamin1984: Also, HOLY SHIT HIS ARMS ARE MADE OF SNAKES!
bjamin1984: Best Music Game?
Griffin McElroy: 180 million people are watching this?
Griffin McElroy: He wants music games to be more accessible to the visually impaired.
Griffin McElroy: That's actually a really refreshing sentiment in the middle of this particular show.
bjamin1984: Stevie Wonder might save this bitch.
bjamin1984: He just made me genuinely smile.
bjamin1984: If The Beatles don't take it, I'm going to eat this empty bottle.
Griffin McElroy: I've gotta say DJ Hero.
Griffin McElroy: Sorry, bud.
bjamin1984: Psychic: Once again confirmed.
Griffin McElroy: (Beatles won it.)
bjamin1984: Does anyone else see that giant bird onstage next to Stevie Wonder? Am I hallucinating again?
We give the announcer a stern talking-to
Griffin McElroy: No, announcer.
Griffin McElroy: Nobody's going to unveil Halo: Reach.
Griffin McElroy: Someone might unveil a trailer for Halo: Reach.
Griffin McElroy: That is something someone can do.
Griffin McElroy: The only way someone can reveal Halo: Reach is if they travel back in time, and murder whoever first announced the game at E3.
bjamin1984: What's Halo Reach?
Griffin McElroy: Some kind of celestial toothpaste?
Halo: Reach trailer reveal
Griffin McElroy: Okay, for real though, Halo Reach is here.
bjamin1984: For real real.
bjamin1984: And Tricia Helfer.
Griffin McElroy: Helfer says it's the best FPS experience ever.
Griffin McElroy: First glimpse!
Griffin McElroy: please be a horse training simulator
XavTLG: We were told none of this is CG by Geoff's twitter
Griffin McElroy: Spartan with a skull painted over its face.
Griffin McElroy: LADY SPARTAN
Griffin McElroy: "Spartans never die, George. They're just missing in action."
bjamin1984: That's from the books.
Griffin McElroy: "You picked a hell of a day to join up."
Griffin McElroy: MAN.
Griffin McElroy: Action-packed!
XavTLG: So Halo Reach has spartans in it. Who knew.
Game of the Year
bjamin1984: GOTY TIME GUYZ
bjamin1984: Did this game have the ladies by their balls as well?
bjamin1984: My money's on Modern Warfare 2. Guys?
Griffin McElroy: Honestly?
Griffin McElroy: I'm gonna say Uncharted 2.
bjamin1984: Again, my heart's with Assassin's Creed 2.
Griffin McElroy: Because I believe in a benevolent God.
bjamin1984: Clearly you missed that Mike Tyson/Jersey Shore part before, believer.
XavTLG: Uncharted 2. Do it.,
Griffin McElroy: here we go!
bjamin1984: Oh snap!
Griffin McElroy: the moment we've all been waiting for!
Griffin McElroy: OH MAN
bjamin1984: Benevolent God confirmed!
Griffin McElroy: Also won best PS3 game and best graphics.
Griffin McElroy: I was wondering why they didn't announce those beforehand.
Griffin McElroy: Nolan North shoutoutzzz
Griffin McElroy: STOP HOWLING AT AMY HENNIG
XavTLG: Somewhere Arne is in tears.
Griffin McElroy: Jeez, who'd they let into this thing?
bjamin1984: Fans of the Jersey Shore?
Griffin McElroy: The Bravery are here to close things out on a mediocre note.
bjamin1984: Guys, I think we need to focus the energy of Joystiq into destroying the members of The Bravery.
Closing performance by The Bravery
Griffin McElroy: I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
XavTLG: I like The Bravery. So, shut it.
Griffin McElroy: Dude must have a hard time singing with all those marshmellows in his mouth.
bjamin1984: That man has VERY straight teeth. I'm impressed.
Griffin McElroy: Guys, I think it's time to say goodbye.
Griffin McElroy: But, I think we should say it like the guy from the Bravery is singing.
Griffin McElroy: So, without further ado,
XavTLG: This thing is wrapped up tight.
bjamin1984: Goodbye, bye, bye, byeeueueueue
Griffin McElroy: "Goohbaauh eaaaauhhhbaayyyy."
Griffin McElroy: "Thaaaannk yauuu faawww reeeedaaan"
Griffin McElroy: Honestly though, not a bad show.
Griffin McElroy: You guys might not have the context of prior shows, but that wasn't all that unbearable.
Griffin McElroy: Just the Tyson/Jersey intro.
bjamin1984: Oh I've seen em. Coulda been much worse.
bjamin1984: Coulda done without face-tattoo presenters.
Griffin McElroy: That's our official synopsis.
Griffin McElroy: "Coulda been worse."
Griffin McElroy: Good night, everyone!