Wasteland Diaries: The darker side of Ranger Rick

If you are anything like me, then you were brought up with at least a rudimentary respect for nature: its beauty, its diversity, and -- most important of all -- the sheer breadth of ways that it can and most certainly will kill you. This is doubly true for all of our readers in Australia, who contend with the world's deadliest wildlife, as well as critters that just freak us the heck out, like bird-eating spiders.

You can only imagine that it gets a whole lot worse when you dump radiation and mutation into the ecosystem, and as such, wanderers in the wasteland of Fallen Earth have to step lively to avoid unfortunate entanglements. (No, not Imperial Cruisers -- that's another game, dude.) This isn't nature according to wildlife preservation societies, where it needs to be loved and cherished; this is a brutal you-versus-them showdown that requires a firm hand and a .357 Magnum. Preferably two of them, if your crafting skill is high enough.

So hit the jump and arm yourself with knowledge (it's half the battle) about the creepers and crawlers of Fallen Earth.

Fire Ants

Fire ants are the bane of my existence in this game. This is not because they are terrifying when you face one, but because you never face just one. More social than a gaggle of teenage girls at the mall on the weekend, these giant fire ants are just like the garden variety that you might encounter in your back yard. Except, y'know, giant.

If you are not careful, it's common to suddenly find yourself standing in the middle of a swarm of these nasty bugs and without a clear recollection of how you got there in the first place. While each one only takes a tiny little bite of your health, when you have six or more cheerfully chomping away at your torso, you can be dead before you have time to scream.

Wasteland Diaries recommends treating fire ants with firepower -- or a flamethrower, if they ever put them in the game.

Creepers

What has six legs, a rancid smell, and a grin that is paralleled only by your grandfather's dentures? No, seriously, WHAT IS THAT THING?

Creepers might appear to be the end result of a triple-dog-dare among the Icarus dev team, or possibly a Pop Rocks/Coke bender. In any case, they are a giant insect that refuses to be classified by anything we know today, unless your nightmares oddly specify something that has big eyes and Julia Roberts' smile on a six-legged platform of unholy terror.

Oh, and they jump like they're on pogo sticks. Because terror shouldn't just be at ground level, it should also have the opportunity to fly out of the sky and land on your head, chittering happily all the while. So carry an umbrella at all times in the desert, even though it hasn't rained there in 138 years.

Prairie Chickens

Icarus Studios hasn't gotten back to me yet on my fierce campaign to make prairie chickens the official mascot of the game, but I assume it is only a matter of time. Out of all of the wildlife in the game, these mean-spirited chickens are the face of everything that's wrong about the wasteland.

You can't really blame them for being ill-tempered. After centuries of having their eggs stolen, their bodies eaten at KFC, and their persona associated with "cowards", a chicken revolution was all but assured. What nature failed to provide -- an intimidating presence, sheer size, nasty weapons -- mankind's folly graciously stepped in to lend a hand. Now as some sort of gruesome fit of irony, gargantuan bald chickens rove the landscape and snack on man-flesh with special seasonings and spices.

When you get pwned by a chicken, it's time to reevaluate your life. So if a prairie chicken asks you if you're grilled or crispy, it's best to unshoulder that slug-slinger and get to work, pronto.

Sandworms

Have you ever seen or read Dune? Other than Sting, the greatest threat on the planet Arrakis are giant sandworms that just love to pop up from underground when a person is least suspecting and at his or her most cinematic. Or if you want to get even more obscure, you may recall the Graboids of Tremors, who also liked to play jack-in-the-box with slow-footed humans.

In either case, if you thought you were safe from angry and toothy worms just because you were in a video game, think again, because sandworms in Fallen Earth are everywhere, and they make travel a bit of a pain, since you never know when one might pop up right in front of you until it's too late. Wasteland Diaries recommends you avoid them when possible, wait until it rains really hard, and then step on them when they come out to dry on the sidewalk.

Hermit Crabs

If you didn't have a hermit crab as a pet when you were a kid, I bet you knew someone who did. I always thought of them as the "nice" variety of crab (AKA "the Spider of the Sea"), since they were shy when you poked your finger at them, and they carried cute little homes on their backs like a nature version of RV-driving retirees.

Fallen Earth's hermit crabs are, like everything else, a shade bigger than their pre-apocalypse variety. So instead of colorful shells and film canisters, these crabs have moved on to use garbage cans and old computer monitors for their homes. For some reason, that makes them all the more endearing. If they weren't a great source of raw crafting materials, including plastic, I'd say live and let live, but life being the way it is, their home is part of your next ATV, and it's moving day.