Liveblogging the Spike 2011 Video Game Awards

Well, we just watched the last ten minutes of The Rundown, which means -- what else? -- we're watching Spike TV. That means two things: The VGAs are about to come on, and Sean William Scott just cut off a little piece of our soul, and devoured it wholesale.

Ladies and gentlemen: The Spike 2011 VGAs. Let's do this thing.

Oh God.

9:13PM J: Good night everybody. Remember: VGAs. 2012. Justin and Griffin! Let's do this. Or not. I can't care about anything any more.

9:12PM G: Thanks for joining us, gang.

9:11PM G: I'm closing my laptop, so unless you want to liveblog this Vampires vs. Zombies episode of Deadliest Warrior, I'm out.

9:10PM G: Sure. Whatever. Can we stop now? Can we be done?

9:09PM J: So your saying our liveblog has at least one thing in common with the VGAs.

9:07PM G: You say that every year, friend. I don't think they're listening.

9:07PM J: Just act like the awards matter guys. Don't breeze through them in 45 seconds. That won't fix everything, but it's a start.

9:05PM G: I hate this more and more every year, which I say every year, thinking that it wouldn't be mathematically possible for me to say it the following year.

9:05PM J: Final thoughts: PUKE. Griffin, your riposte?

9:04PM J: REVENGE WITH A VENGEANCE. REVENGEANCE. THIS IS NOT A PORTMANTEAU. IT IS THE SAME WORD.

9:03PM G: It's a lot of Raiden cutting up guys, which we knew before. Now it's got a kind of Platinum Games flair, which is appropriate, since they're developing it now.

9:03PM J: What used to look like a cool cinematic action game looks like a shitstorm brawler. Blech blech. Love the part where he runs up a thing.

9:02PM G: Man, I hope these soldiers are cyborgs, because I just saw that dudes spine get all cut up.

9:01PM G: Raiden's giving a speech about the Samurai code. Now a bunch of modern soldiers are cutting other soldiers in half, which is neat.

9:02PM J: It doesn't matter how good MGS: Rising looks because I have no reason to think it's real.

9:00PM G: Okay, now he's stumbling a lot, and the crowd is yelling at him, and everything is terrible.

9:00PM G: Kojima's on stage to share some exciting, already known MGS: Rising news. He's stumbling over his words, which is adorable.

8:59PM G: Congratulations, Bethesda. You made a great game, and deserve all the recognition in the world. Now, these balls aren't going to eat themselves.

8:59PM J: Skyrim is the game of the year. This is right and good and true.

8:58PM G: DOVAAAAAAHKIIIIIIIIIN

8:57PM G: GOTY: Zelda, Skyrim, Uncharted, Arkham City -- who will it be?

8:57PM G: Too bad I won't be alive next year, because the VGAs just gave me terminal douche pneumonia.

8:56PM J: This is entirely serious: Myself and Griffin will write the VGAs next year if asked. We will do it, and it will be ... if not good, at least better.

8:52PM G: I would eat two more hours of this poop sandwich if I got to eat another new BioShock Infinite trailer for dessert.

8:52PM J: This is a beautiful thing where a woman sings Will The Circle Be Unbroken beautifully, while we see scenes of combat. It's easily the best thing of the show.

8:50PM G: New trailer for BioShock Infinite!

8:50PM J: Here's the problem, it's right here. He drank a blue flask for health. You know how little you have to know about video games to know that you drink red for health and blue for magic?

8:49PM G: Levi says he's tired, because his health bar is low. We're tired, because we are now ruined splinters of men.

8:48PM G: The whole thing's an ominous prophecy, handed down right before the world begins to end. You'd think that prophecy would have come a little sooner, huh?

8:47PM G: Neat illustrated cinematic of the world just getting wrecked by the forces of evil. Some familiar enemies up in the mix, some new ones as well, and -- hey! -- Satan himself.

8:46PM J: Here's the introductory cinematic for Diablo 3.

8:45PM G: Not because I don't appreciate Blizzard, I just don't want to watch them eat dude-balls.

8:45PM G: PLEASE HURRY THE SPEECH

8:45PM G: Jason Biggs just got bagtagged by Sean, and I don't know how much more of this I can take before I burst into flames.

8:44PM G: JK. The "Gamer God" is Blizzard. We sure hope their eternal reign is benevolent and good.

8:43PM G: They're handing out the Gamer God award, which is going to -- God! He's giving his acceptance speech in person, and ending the world as a personal favor to yours truly.

8:42PM G: Sean William Scott is on stage! He was so great in the Rundown, which Spike TV also just made me watch.

8:42PM J: This girl tearing up a printer looks tuckered out, I hope she isn't planning on refreshing with a Dr. Pepper Ten. That's illegal.

8:36PM G: Sorry, it's "Fortnite," which I assume is an edgier way of spelling it.

8:36PM G: Night falls, and a bunch of ghouls come after their new home. Fortnight.

8:35PM G: Cartoony thugs knock over a burger stand, steal some scrap metal and -- using said scrap metal, build a steel fortress.

8:35PM G: Epic's new game is about to get announced. Scavenge, build, survive: It's "Fortnight."

8:34PM J: Our brilliant brother Travis just told us his was going to the bathroom to "Make a VGA."

8:33PM G: Robert Bowling's speech went on too long, and a soldier chased him off the stage, face-humping one of his associates.

8:34PM J: I AM 31 YEARS OLD. I AM PAID A FAIR WAGE. I CAN NOT NOT NOT NOT BE FORCED TO WATCH A MAN RUB HIS NAD BAG ON ANOTHER ADULT MAN

8:33PM G: GUYS

8:33PM G: IT REALLY HAPPENED

8:32PM G: GUYS

8:32PM G: GUYS

8:32PM G: And the winner is: COD: MW3. Pick up your jaws, everyone.

8:31PM G: Best Shooter award time! BF3, COD: MW3, GoW 3, R (that's short for Rage).

8:32PM J: My douche chills just extended from my body like those Prototype tendrils.

8:31PM J: Charlie. Sheen. CHARLIE. SHEEN. Chhhaarrrlieee. Sheeeeeen. C-S.

8:30PM G: Charlie Sheen sounds like he's struggling to eat every word he says.

8:30PM G: Hey, Charlie Sheen is looking oooooo-kay!

8:31PM J: Good news: I'm REALLY into these awards now.

8:30PM J: Bad news: I've only got 1/4 of this bottle of wine left.

8:29PM G: I'm confused about whether the people in the audience can see all this AR stuff on the stage. Is this like when Wolf Blitzer's hologram announced the 2008 election?

8:29PM J: Yeah, but god damn it if Phillipe Quaid didn't crush Hava Nagila.

8:26PM G: Man, I haven't been this disappointed since my dad promised that "A Quaid" would attend my Bar Mitzvah.

8:25PM G: Wait, Charlie Sheen? Chuck Sheen?

8:25PM J: You know, it makes perfect sense too, Griffin. As the Illusive Man, he brought a lot of refinement to Mass Effect 2. So he has both a connection to the industry and some gravitas. BRAVO I SAY.

8:24PM G: Oh, man, Martin Sheen's about to come out to announce the winner of Best Shooter! What a surprisingly classy twist for the evening to take. What an accomplished, beloved actor.

8:24PM J: DINOBOTS.

8:23PM J: OK, Fall of Cybertron trailer looks surprisingly a little emo, a nice counterpoint to the hackey bombast of the movies. No gameplay, but it looks like all out war, and I'm surprisingly pumped for it.

8:21PM G: Then he threatened to teabag the president of Spike on live television, so -- yeah! Watchable. It is physically possible to watch it, but barely.

8:20PM G: A vlogger raised a stink because Zelda wasn't in the GOTY running, now it is, making the VGAs -- in his words -- "Watchable."

8:18PM J: I heard if you play that last Black Keys song backwards, it'll reveal the winner of best 360 game of the year.

8:15PM G: Zach Levi's just joked that the Black Keys, ironically enough, aren't literal keys. Like, I can't.

8:11PM G: I'm seeing a lot of people on the Tweeters compare this year's VGAs to Double Dare, but I don't know about that, because Double Dare didn't make me want to kill myself and everyone around me

8:11PM J: This is an awards show as much as Giovanni Ribisi is a truck because his uncle used to have one.

8:07PM G: Women: Do you hate the VGAs? Because they hate the ever-loving shit out of you.

8:07PM G: Keep the fire, Justin.

8:06PM G: Now they're recreating my favorite part from LBP2, which is when three women eat cupcakes off a treadmill.

8:06PM J: I'm seriously at a point where I feel like were should stop covering this show. If they don't give more of a shit about their awards, why should we?

8:06PM G: Best Graphics: Uncharted 3, Best Motion: Zelda, Best Fighting: Mortal Kombat, Best Indie: Minecraft, Best Mobile: Mario 3DS, Best Downloadable: Bastion, Best Individual Sports: Fight Night, Best Performance: Ellen McClain in Portal.

8:06PM J: Oh, awesome, now's the part where they'll give away ALL THE AWARDS.

8:05PM J: "Hey brothers! My last game was like an abortion on a disc that you can buy on a disc! That's for having me."

8:04PM G: Spider-Man just hates robots so much, you guys.

8:05PM J: We see robots attacking NYC and Spider-man on live news footage battling them. Looks great, but I wish we'd focused on locomotion rather than combat.

8:03PM J: Tony Hawk is showing off Amazing Spider-Man. I'm ready to believe and subsequently get my heart broken.

8:00PM J: So, seriously: In terms of actual, real-ass awards. Did they really just hand out a SINGLE award in the first HOUR?

7:56PM G: SO! We're at the one hour mark, and we've got a Hall of Fame inductee, the Most Anticipated game award, and Best Action-Adventure game award. That's gotta be a new record, right?

7:55PM G: Don't you take Felicia Day from me with a sword-accident, God. I don't deserve that.

7:55PM G: Know what goes really well together, sharp swords, floors slickened by fruit guts and live television.

7:55PM J: Again, balancing out the worthwhile content: Felicia Day slicing fruit. VGAs are cribbing content from Gallagher: The Maddest.

7:54PM J: The fact of the matter is this. Putting more Shigeru Miyamotos on stage and fewer Brook-Brook Deckers is the key to this whole thing becoming worthwhile.

7:53PM G: Seriously, after 25 years of being hugely, hugely successful and popular, I'm psyched that Spike could break Zelda off a piece.

7:53PM J: Legend of Zelda is the first ever inductee into the Video Game Hall of Fame. Is that the whole franchise?

7:51PM G: Glad that Zelda is finally getting the recognition it deserves.

7:51PM J: C'mon Seth, bust us out of this.

7:51PM J: Alan Wake is way up in that flannel. We've got Mr. Scratch, FMV, some better looking combat and ... well, shit gang, I'm just happy to get more AW.

7:49PM G: They're making jokes about how Hitchcock's name ends with ... you know.

7:50PM J: Alan Wake's American Nightmare is up now.

7:49PM G: Guys, who are these guys, seriously

7:48PM G: "The way this evening is going, I wouldn't be surprised if this Skyrim trailer was interrupted by Dr. Pepper having a boner." -- Our sagacious brother, Travis

7:48PM J: WHAT. THE. FUCK. I just saw Col. Sanders give trailer of the year award to ... well, that doesn't matter, cause it wasn't fried chicken-related, and that's basically the only venue in which I seek his counsel.

7:46PM G: DOVAAAAAAHKIIIIIIN

7:45PM J: That's ... a pretty boss commercial for Darksiders II. Not part of the show, but still: Boss.

7:42PM G: I'm getting whiplash from the tone changes in this show. "TERRORIST ATTACK!" "Remember the veterans." "FART JOKE!" "Games for children's hospitals." "HERE IS A MAN WEARING A MOUSE HEAD!"

7:42PM J: There's nothing that makes my service worthwhile like fictional military shooting guys giving me an attaboy. (Kidding aside: Good intentions, Activision. I think that's kinda nice.)

7:41PM J: Rainbow 6: Patriots showed some highly disgruntled 99 percenters throwing a rich guy through a window. If they are the good guys, I'm SERIOUSLY excited about that game.

7:39PM G: Yikes.

7:39PM G: Never thought a Jonas would make me want to buy a bomb shelter for my family, but well, here we are.

7:38PM G: Kevin Jonas gettin' dark with this Rainbow Six: Patriots intro.

7:39PM J: Watching someone I like host the VGAs is like that scene in MGS 4 where Snake crawls through a deadly tunnel while being bombarded with radiation.

7:37PM G: Even Zach Levi called Arkham City "Arkham Asylum." Nobody's perfect, you guys. Especially not Zach Levi.

7:36PM J: Which is everybody's favorite Jonas brother? Mine's the first one who's willing to walk in this room and cut my head off with a katana so I can stop this thing I'm doing.

7:34PM G: Half the people in the world are women, Dr. Pepper. Good work, telling them not to bev out with you.

7:34PM G: Apologies for the language: Are you fucking kidding me with this "It's Not For Women" Dr. Pepper ad campaign? This is a thing Dr. Pepper agreed would move beverages off the shelves?

7:32PM G: Not counting "Most Anticipated Game," which, is that an award?

7:31PM G: 30 minutes in, and, what, one award so far?

7:31PM J: And they follow that up with Felicia Day and a Jonas Brother jumping at a wall. Like, like, is there some balance? Is there an equilibrium they have to maintain?

7:30PM J: OK, some Child's Play coverage, this is pretty much unassailably cool, right?

7:29PM G: Command and Conquer Generals 2! Coming in 2013.

7:29PM G: Frostbite 2 engine, looks likes some tanks and other heavy artillery are just ... they're just blowing the shit out of a city.

7:28PM G: BioWare's new game is getting announced! Fingers crossed.

7:29PM J: Sorry, the sandworm was eating the Reaper.

7:28PM G: Shepard seems to be yelling more horrified swears than in previous installations. MY Shepard would never yell "OH SHIT" when facing off against a skyscraper-sized robot.

7:28PM J: Finally, some gameplay footage from Mass Effecct 3. Shepard's running up on a Reaper like a thug, that big Krogan is there. Now a sandworm is eating the It's bananas, but I'm pretty sure it's all cinematic.

7:27PM J: Legally speaking, LL Cool J will have to change his name after this.

7:26PM G: LL! (Cool J.) (He's on the stage now.)

7:26PM J: Can we just keep the Joker out of this?

7:25PM G: I wonder if "you're hosting the VGAs" is applicable.

7:24PM G: Levy is now doing a Jeff Foxworthy-esque riff on bad behavior in online games. "If ___, you're a douchebag!"

7:25PM J: "Gentlemen: We've done it. It's Humorium, the most realistic joke-like substance known to man. To test it: We've decided to construct an entire show out of it. It's called the VGAs."

7:24PM G: Zach Levy is introducing a bit called "Press Pause," which is good, because it's been so high octane up until now.

7:23PM J: Every commercial on this show looks like a god damn ad for ring tones.

7:21PM G: Spike just ran a commercial for a kind of Dr. Pepper which is apparently illegal for women to drink, which is nice, since we're watching this with our wives and girlfriends.

7:20PM G: When Skrillex invented dubstep, he destroyed his own face in the process. It was the sacrifice the island demanded.

7:20PM J: Skrillex has been a mouse this whole time.

7:19PM G: Skrillex wears a mask because his beats are too dope for his face to stay on his head.

7:19PM J: OK, Griffin, I'm old. Is that Skrillex? Why is Skrillex wearing a mask?

7:17PM G: "Here is your award, and also your sex crime."

7:17PM G: OH MY GOD I can't believe the two guys from Rocksteady just got teabagged.

7:16PM G: Brooklyn Decker knows the visceral thrill of opening up a new video game. Also, the thrills of being super rich and pretty and tall.

7:17PM J: Batman: Arkham City. That's probably on the money.

7:16PM J: OK, time for best action/adventure game: AC:R, Batman, Zelda, Uncharted 3 ... and it's ...

7:16PM J: I think I speak for everyone when I say "Finally, a post-apocalyptic game with zombies in it."

7:15PM G: Or hairs! I don't mean to split those either. Regardless: Naughty Dog is making a zombie game. The Last of Us, pubbed by Sony.

7:14PM G: That zombie had a super, super bumpy head. Maybe a mutant? I don't mean to split haris.

7:14PM G: A young girl is running around a gnarly crime scene -- her and her partner kill another guy, take some ammo off him. Possible zombies?

7:13PM G: The Last of Us! New game from Naughty Dog.

7:12PM G: Portal 2 was my game of the year like half of the year ago.

7:13PM J: Will.I.Am almost beefed it on the steps. Narrowly skirting worthwhile entertainment.

7:11PM G: If getting teabagged by a stranger on a stage is gamer-style, then ... I don't know. I'm gonna get really into books, or something.

7:11PM J: I'm glad we have all this. All these things. As opposed to all the awards they gave away before the show.

7:10PM J: Hey everyone? Can we just stop saying "gamers" please? Like, ever?

7:09PM G: I just watched a man get teabagged on a stage in front of other people. It is still going on. Still going on. Still happening.

7:08PM G: Apparently they already gave away a bunch of awards and stuff, which is great, because I really hate it when those make their way into awards shows.

7:06PM Griffin here. Justin and I (and the rest of team Joystiq) have a hundred beers. They're showing off all the augmented reality characters that are sharing the stage with Zachary Levy, so we think we're probably going to need them.