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Totally real proof that video games are the ultimate cause of our society's ills

Ben Striegel
MarioKart Arcade

Those of you who decried Jack Thompson’s claims that video games incite people to violence are finally about to get your comeuppance. Just take a gander at this enormous and entirely irrefutable list of crimes, each of which was clearly inspired by video games. With entries dating as far back as 1972, this crippling epidemic of violence is hardly a new issue, so why has it taken this long for politicians to force their oppressive legislation down our collective throats? This reporter, for one, blames the Nixon administration. What follows is but a mere sample of the innumerable heinous acts of violence inspired by video games:

  • January 29, 1980: a man under the influence of narcotic “power pellets” was arrested after eating four people within ten seconds. He later testified that he was “going for the high score.”
  • September 8, 1985: a mentally unstable hunter was apprehended for shooting at several dogs in his neighborhood, claiming that they were laughing at him. Fortunately no dogs were injured, as they were invincible.
  • February 4th, 1994: a young woman was arrested for attempted murder after freezing several people and using their bodies to reach high ledges. For whatever reason, many officers originally believed the suspect to be male.
  • October 21st, 2005: the movie Doom was released in theaters. There were no survivors.

It is evident that if we are to save our morally bankrupt society, we must act now! Write your congressman today and tell them that you fully support wiping video games from the face of this Earth! Do it within the next ten minutes, and I’ll even donate $10,000 to your favorite charity! Go go go!

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