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A glimpse into our future...

Ross Miller

Thanks to a side effect in the PlayStation 5's Infinite Improbability Processor in 2014, we were able to for a brief moment look ahead and see the site as it would be in 4 years. Fortunately we were quick to grab all the information and we now present it to you for a glimpse into the future of gaming (and, therefore, of life itself):

Kutaragi: PS4 requires knowledge of Postmodern Physics

Sony executive Ken "Kassanova" Kutaragi has gone on the record as calling the Microsoft Xbox 7202, as "bland, decrepit...[Microsoft head Bill] Gates and his console only functions in 3 dimensions," adding that "our system will be so immersive, we should add a change of underwear and a copy of Hawking's A Brief History of Time with every bundle."

Although official specs have yet to be released, we do know from previous Kutaragi interviews that Sony's processor, dubbed Lazarus, computes in a finite-dimensional vector space (FDVS)--not to be confused with infinite-dimensional vector space which is still being researched at MIT. Microsoft's CPU, which was developed in-house by the recently-acquisitioned AMD, clocks their processor speed using complex numbers, which unfortunately cannot be accurately compared with any other data. Its GPU, however, relies on the Theory of Relativity, designed so that it is always 150% faster than the nearest console.

Apple-owned Nintendo's upcoming console, codenamed MD (or "Miyamoto Device") has been often rumored to utilize quantum computation--a move that has been criticized as being years-old technology.

[via UGN]

Joystiq staffer quits over Scientology remark

We are sad to report that one of our site's longest contributor, James Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas, quit Joystiq today over offensive remarks found in another poster's article. In his resignation letter, Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas writes that "there is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins."

While not specifically mentioned in his resignation, Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas is a noted Scientologist, and last week's caricature of Lord Xenu playing a Nintendo DS drew some ire and controversy. Lord Xenu's return last year, after over 75 million years in hiding, has rocked theological researchers, who have time-after-time sought an interview with the often reclusive galactic leader of the Galactic Confederacy. What is known, however, is that Xenu is an avid PSP fanatic.

We will miss James Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas greatly--although we don't agree with the choices Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas made in the last few days, we should focus on how much he made us smile.

Video games cure depression?

ESA President Jack Thompson has sent out an open letter to all the media outlets. In it, Thompson details what he believes is "scientific proof that video games cure any and all forms of depression." Attached to the letter, in pdf format, is a report by researchers at Oxford University noting the increased levels of dopamine caused by prolong exposure to video games and other interactive entertainment. Thompson continues by asserting "this data proves that Psychiatry is an unnecessary and totally frivolous evil in this world. Video games have proven to remove evil thetans from the bodies of the player."

Thompson succeeded Doug Lowenstein in February after what he called an "epiphany." Following the re-arrival of Lord Xenu in 2009, thus negating the existence of a Christian god, Jack Thompson--former anti-game activist and trial lawyer--was one of the 79% of the world to convert to Scientology. One of Scientology's biggest enemies (besides South Park, now in its 15th season) is Psychiatry.

[Thanks, Adam Portilla]

Halo 3: Forerunner--real information, at last

Today Bungie revealed the lowdown on their new product -- although originally announced for 2007, delays have set this product back so much we never thought we'd hear concrete information. Finally, the rumours are at an end. Tapping the rich backstory behind the retro hits Halo and Halo 2, the next installment in the Halo series is to be titled Halo 3: Forerunner and will be set in mediaeval England. Players will take the part of one of Master Chief's ancestors, abducted by aliens in 1389.

We won't ruin the plot of the game for you, but Bungie's press office did have this to say:

It bethinketh us that oure decysioun, that Haloe iij sholde in olde Engelonde of that Myddle Age be sette, wil prikke forth the pleying of gamys in dyvers newe direcciouns. We relyen upon it, the besynesse of oure marchaundise for to save, to suche gret degree that Sir William of Gattys hath ybeten alle his horslees cariages upon the successe of oure noble entreprise.

It's released April 1, 2011; we can't wait.

[Via Geoffrey; thanks, Alex and Mim]

US sales chart: February 14 - 20, 2010

The recent release of Grand Theft Auto: Scotland made very little impact, debuting at only 10th place. Here are the top games in the US last week:
  1. Shipwrecked on Monkey Island (PC, 720)
  2. The Sims 3: Booty Call (PC)
  3. Brain Training: Clairvoyant Academy (QS)
  4. Burnout: Traffic Jam (720, PS3)
  5. Castlevania: Ditty of Unhappiness (QS)
  6. Pimps At Sea (Rev)
  7. Commander Keen Episode VII: Babysitters Ate My Alien! (720, PS3)
  8. Suikoden VII (PS3)
  9. Christ Crusader (Rev)
  10. Grand Theft Auto: Scotland (PS3)
[Update: fixed accuracy of list]

Metareview - Duke Nukem Forever (Xbox 7202)

Any gamers below the age of 30 might not even remember Duke Nukem Forever; originally announced in the 20th Century (?!), this game has been ported to so many technology platforms, you'd need the computational powers of the Xbox 7202 to begin to figure it out.

Luckily, that's what we got. The game finally settled on Epic's UnReal Engine 6, which uses a custom designed brain connection (which is, thankfully, multiplatform) to deliver games in RD technology. As is customary, future reviews have been posted for this title, which should be released sometime within the next year alongside the 7202.
  • IGN (91/100): IGN weighed in with their 9000 word review of 3D Realms long time coming Duke Nukem Forever declaring it to be "Almost a 90, but just a little better so it was a 91.7, but we had some difficulty with our bio-ports, so it was a 90.8 but then we remembered the sound implants were really exceptional..."
  • Gamespot (68/100): The guys at Gamespot have no love for DNF, writing, "Sure, it's indistinguishable from reality, but so is every other game. We expected more from a title my parents first told me about." They conclude, "On the bright side, 3D Realms has defaulted on their loans--being enslaved by Zörgön shipping pirates, forced to toil away their debt in the spacemines--so we expect development of the sequel to be significantly shorter than this one."
  • Nintendo Power (100/100): The one time Nintendo fanzine continues to cover console gaming in all its forms, writing, "Never before has the cerebral linkup system been so seamless and unnoticeable; I shot that alien, danced with that stripper, and played with myself (courtesy of the old-fashioned Duke Nukem '3D' arcade cabinet) all the while declaring, 'That's gotta hurt.' DNF is a masterpiece."
It can all be yours for Ξ8a72.9, so reserve early!

Gizmondo Xtreme continues to dominate portable gaming

Will the humiliation never stop? Gizmondo's all-powerful portable lifestyle machine continues to embarrass the competition with monthly software sales of nearly 30 million units, selling more than the competition combined, despite having no available software. Gizmondo CEO (and reigning HoverCar™ champion) Stefan Eriksson, said, "Consumers continue to purchase the Gizmondo Xtreme in droves! The GPS functionality, the significant cash handouts, and the patented Hypno-tech® processor continue to provide real value to today's on-the-go humanoid. They have to buy it... literally!"

Due to slow consumer adoption of biomechanical enhancements, both Nintendo's quad-screened handheld--which continues to prove difficult for those of us with only two hands-- and Sony's PS Implant portable gaming system--which requires a sentient leech to be sewn into your brain--have failed to meet analyst's expectations. With the introduction of mall kiosk enhancement booths later this year, the industry hopes to recuperate and finally deliver on the promise of bringing post-human gaming to the masses.

[Logo courtesy of Chris Arinez; thanks to Chris Grant and Jennie Lees for contributing "news items"]

The Game Boy Advance continues to sell a statistically relevant number of Pokemon titles, despite the title's outright banning in FAIM, the Federal Act against Insidious Marketing.

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