Kutaragi: PS4 requires knowledge of Postmodern Physics
Sony executive Ken
"Kassanova" Kutaragi has gone on the record as calling the Microsoft Xbox 7202
, as "bland,
decrepit...[Microsoft head Bill] Gates and his console only functions in 3 dimensions," adding that "our
system will be so immersive, we should add a change of underwear and a copy of Hawking's A Brief History of
with every bundle."
Although official specs have yet to be released, we do know from
previous Kutaragi interviews that Sony's processor, dubbed Lazarus, computes in a finite-dimensional vector space
(FDVS)--not to be confused with infinite-dimensional vector space which is still being researched at MIT. Microsoft's
CPU, which was developed in-house by the recently-acquisitioned AMD, clocks their processor speed using complex
numbers, which unfortunately cannot be accurately compared with any other data. Its GPU, however, relies on the Theory
of Relativity, designed so that it is always 150% faster than the nearest console.
upcoming console, codenamed MD (or "Miyamoto Device") has been often rumored to utilize quantum
computation--a move that has been criticized as being years-old technology.
Joystiq staffer quits over Scientology remark
We are sad to
report that one of our site's longest contributor, James Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas, quit Joystiq today over offensive
remarks found in another poster's article. In his resignation letter, Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas writes that "there is a
place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious
beliefs of others begins."
While not specifically mentioned in his resignation, Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas
is a noted Scientologist, and last week's caricature of Lord Xenu playing a Nintendo DS drew some ire and controversy.
Lord Xenu's return last year, after over 75 million years in hiding, has rocked theological researchers, who have
time-after-time sought an interview with the often reclusive galactic leader of the Galactic Confederacy. What is
known, however, is that Xenu is an avid PSP fanatic.
We will miss James Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas
greatly--although we don't agree with the choices Ransom-Wiley-Ortegas made in the last few days, we should focus on
how much he made us smile.
Video games cure depression?
ESA President Jack Thompson has sent
out an open letter to all the media outlets. In it, Thompson details what he believes is "scientific proof that
video games cure any and all forms of depression." Attached to the letter, in pdf format, is a report by
researchers at Oxford University noting the increased levels of dopamine caused by prolong exposure to video games and
other interactive entertainment. Thompson continues by asserting "this data proves that Psychiatry is an
unnecessary and totally frivolous evil in this world. Video games have proven to remove evil thetans from the bodies of
Thompson succeeded Doug Lowenstein in February after what he called an
"epiphany." Following the re-arrival of Lord Xenu in 2009, thus negating the existence of a Christian god,
Jack Thompson--former anti-game activist and trial lawyer--was one of the 79% of the world to convert to Scientology.
One of Scientology's biggest enemies (besides South Park
, now in its 15th season) is Psychiatry.
[Thanks, Adam Portilla]
Halo 3: Forerunner--real information, at
Today Bungie revealed the lowdown on their new
product -- although originally announced for 2007, delays have set this product back so much we never thought we'd hear
concrete information. Finally, the rumours are at an end. Tapping the rich backstory behind the retro hits Halo
and Halo 2
, the next installment in the Halo
series is to be titled Halo 3: Forerunner
and will be set in mediaeval England. Players will take the part of one of Master Chief's ancestors, abducted by aliens
We won't ruin the plot of the game for you, but Bungie's press office did have this to say:It bethinketh us that oure decysioun, that Haloe iij sholde in olde Engelonde of that Myddle Age be sette, wil
prikke forth the pleying of gamys in dyvers newe direcciouns. We relyen upon it, the besynesse of oure marchaundise for
to save, to suche gret degree that Sir William of Gattys hath ybeten alle his horslees cariages upon the successe of
oure noble entreprise.
It's released April 1, 2011; we can't wait.
; thanks, Alex and Mim]
sales chart: February 14 - 20, 2010
The recent release of
Grand Theft Auto: Scotland
made very little impact, debuting at only 10th place. Here are the top games in the
US last week:
- Shipwrecked on Monkey Island (PC, 720)
- The Sims 3: Booty Call
- Brain Training: Clairvoyant Academy (QS)
- Burnout: Traffic Jam (720,
- Castlevania: Ditty of Unhappiness (QS)
- Pimps At Sea (Rev)
- Commander Keen Episode VII: Babysitters Ate My Alien! (720, PS3)
- Suikoden VII
- Christ Crusader (Rev)
- Grand Theft Auto: Scotland
[Update: fixed accuracy of list
Metareview - Duke Nukem Forever (Xbox 7202)
Any gamers below the
age of 30 might not even remember Duke Nukem Forever
; originally announced in the 20th Century (?!), this game
has been ported to so many technology platforms, you'd need the computational powers of the Xbox 7202
begin to figure it out.
Luckily, that's what we got. The game finally settled on Epic's
Real Engine 6, which uses a custom designed brain connection (which is, thankfully, multiplatform)
to deliver games in RD technology. As is customary, future reviews have been posted for this title, which should be
released sometime within the next year alongside the 7202
(91/100): IGN weighed in with their 9000 word review of 3D Realms long time
coming Duke Nukem Forever declaring it to be "Almost a 90, but just a little better so it
was a 91.7, but we had some difficulty with our bio-ports, so it was a 90.8 but then we remembered the sound implants
were really exceptional..."
- Gamespot (68/100): The guys at Gamespot
have no love for DNF, writing, "Sure, it's indistinguishable from reality,
but so is every other game. We expected more from a title my parents first told me about." They conclude, "On
the bright side, 3D Realms has defaulted on their loans--being enslaved by Zörgön shipping pirates, forced to
toil away their debt in the spacemines--so we expect development of the sequel to be significantly shorter than this
- Nintendo Power (100/100): The one time Nintendo fanzine
continues to cover console gaming in all its forms, writing, "Never before has the cerebral linkup system been so
seamless and unnoticeable; I shot that alien, danced with that stripper, and played with myself (courtesy of the
old-fashioned Duke Nukem '3D' arcade cabinet) all the while declaring, 'That's gotta hurt.' DNF is a
It can all be yours for Ξ8a72.9, so reserve early!
Gizmondo Xtreme continues to dominate portable gaming
Will the humiliation never stop? Gizmondo's all-powerful portable lifestyle machine continues to
embarrass the competition with monthly software sales of nearly 30 million units, selling more than the competition
combined, despite having no available software. Gizmondo CEO (and reigning HoverCar™ champion) Stefan Eriksson,
said, "Consumers continue to purchase the Gizmondo Xtreme in droves! The GPS functionality, the significant cash
handouts, and the patented Hypno-tech® processor continue to provide real value
to today's on-the-go
humanoid. They have to buy it... literally!"
Due to slow consumer adoption of biomechanical
enhancements, both Nintendo's quad-screened handheld--which continues to prove difficult for those of us with only two
hands-- and Sony's PS Implant portable gaming system--which requires a sentient leech to be sewn into your brain--have
failed to meet analyst's expectations. With the introduction of mall kiosk enhancement booths later this year, the
industry hopes to recuperate and finally deliver on the promise of bringing post-human gaming to the masses.
[Logo courtesy of Chris Arinez; thanks to Chris Grant and Jennie Lees for
contributing "news items"
The Game Boy Advance continues to sell a statistically relevant
number of Pokemon
titles, despite the title's outright banning in FAIM, the Federal Act against Insidious