The Light and How to Swing It: Snappy answers to stupid paladin questions

Like any other class, paladins are often bombarded with questions, comments, cheap shots, snipes, and advice from misinformed players of other classes. It's hard to know how to respond to some of these comments without violating all of Blizzard's code of conduct or ripping out your own hair. So in the great tradition of MAD Magazine, TLaHtSI (man, that acronym sucks a lot more than KYL or BRK) has provided some snappy answers to stupid paladin questions.

"All paladins can do is heal!"

People who think that paladins are only capable of healing probably also think that iPhones are only capable of making phone calls. Admittedly, we're currently BEST at healing, but that doesn't mean we can't also do other things. And even if we heal during raids, we may want to put on our fancy pants later that night and do some tanking in an instance or face smashing in world PVP. Having heal spells on our bar does not make us your heal bitch in battlegrounds, especially if you've never said a word to us other than "HAEL ME."

"Paladin healing is easy because all you do is press two buttons."

This would make some sense coming from a druid or a priest, both of whom have more healing options than paladins. But I keep hearing it from rogues, mages and hunters. I've played a raiding rogue for years, and if anyone has lost the right to complain about "pressing two buttons", it's DPS. And if you guys mess up and press something else instead of Sinister Strike or Shadowbolt, all you get is a minor loss of DPS. If healers mess up and press the wrong button, people die -- and if you're healing the tank, you are suddenly faced with 24 angry people waiting for you at the spirit healer.

"Why did you give me Salv? That doesn't help my damage!"

Because you're an undead rogue named Stabbity, a gnome mage named Pyromaniac, or a DPS warrior named ... anything. You are automatically presumed to pull aggro unless you can prove otherwise.

"Why do paladins expect to be able to heal, tank and DPS depending on their spec? No one else can do that!"

Druids.

"Healing and bubbling is cheap in a duel!"

Well, would it be okay with you if I just laid down and died?

"If you're tired of healing all the time, roll a DPS class."

Yeah, that's just what WoW needs -- more DPSers mindlessly wandering around Orgrimmar and Ironforge, checking the auction house as they wait in vain for a tank or healer to join the LFG interface. No thanks, been there and done that. I'd rather be able to help my guild by filling whatever role they need.

"Why didn't you rebless me? I told you my blessing had run out."

Because we just finished the trash pull and Greater Blessings last only 15 minutes. By the time the warlock gets back from putting his kid to bed, the rogue rolls his joint, the tank finishes getting a drink, the priest explains the strategy, and the three Canadians who mysteriously disconnected log back on, your blessing would have two minutes left. I'll bless as soon as everyone clicks ready.

"Quick! The group is about to wipe! DI yourself!"

Okay. Zombie paladin incoming! BRAAAAAAAINS ....

"Ha ha, why did you roll a blood elf pally? You look gay!"

Well, damn, I tried to roll an undead pally but I think there was a bug at the character selection screen. The same thing happened when I tried to make an orc druid. Maybe I need to reinstall. Also, as I'm a female playing a female paladin, I fail to see how I can look "gay" unless I'm stripped down to my swimsuit, splashing water on other blood elves in the forbidden pools of Nagrand.

"Why do all the paladins on the forums talk about swinging big two-handers?"

To restore our sense of masculinity that has been devastated by our forum-provided frilly pink armor.

"Why does everyone fight in the paladin forums?"

See above.

"How can I get those angel wings you have?"

Go to the spirit healer, rip hers off, and glue them to your back. Don't worry, she's cool with it. To make sure they work, jump off of a very high building.

"Paladins can't tank!"

Oh, wow! I didn't know that! I guess I'll just stop trying then, Mr. Mage, and we can wait until a Real Tank comes and saves us from this instance that I've already tanked before. Ooooh, sorry about you getting squashed by those orcs. I guess you'll have to wait for a Real Tank to keep them off you.

"They should make our anti-undead spells work on undead players."

Okay, this is more of a stupid question by paladins, but trust me: you don't want undead players to be classified as undead. Sure, Alliance priests and pallies would have fun, but while you're cavorting around Undercity, every now-immune-to-almost-everything undead player would be ransacking Stormwind and making off with your women. Of course undead would make off with your human women! They're delicious with A-1 sauce.