Before the trailer began, Pitchford took another opportunity to assuage gamer's concerns. "It's coming in 2011. It's coming in 2011. It's absolutely going to come, and we will have it shipped. We brought you Borderlands last year. We know what we're doing. It's coming on the Xbox 360, the PlayStation 3 and Windows PC." And it's not just single-player; Pitchford says that DNF's "competitive multiplayer kicks ass; it's out of control."
And then, we went right into the trailer: The world repelled an alien invasion and a hero is revered. We see statues of Duke, the hero, the savior of Earth, "a man whose very presence sent aliens running back to their motherships." And then, like all alien invaders sent packing, they "came back angry." They tore the planet apart, but made one mistake: "They shouldn't have gone after our women," the narrator says.
"Dammit! Why do they always take the hot ones?"
It's the husky voice of the Duke, with the same prepubescent sense of humor. "Nothing gets between me and my babes!" he coos. As if on cue, the trailer cuts to scenes of (what else?) strippers! There's a handful of scripted attacks – a punch to the groin elicits a response from Duke. A frozen enemy gets kicked and elicits a "rest in pieces" response. A giant, really ugly, three-boobed alien elicits a particularly puerile response: "Hell, I'd still hit it." In other words, this is Duke Nukem, the same crass character that took the late-20th century gaming world by storm. In an era of epic storylines and earnest, touching stories about space marines, I haven't decided if Duke's personality is a refreshing, testosterone-infused breeze or an anachronistic relic, amusing in that "ironic" way. But there's time to make that decision later. For now, let's get to the hands-on.
The first level, titled "Duke Lives," begins with a urinal, pull Right Trigger to pee. After relieving yourself, you turn around and find yourself in a bathroom. Just like in Duke 3D,
the interactive elements are novel. Look, there's Duke in a mirror. Look, you can pee. Leaving the bathroom, there's some soldiers gathered around a whiteboard with the words "cock block
" scribbled over the image of a large alien. They're planning their attack, but that doesn't mean you can't pick up a marker and scribble on your own. The soldiers approve of your plan ... if only they'd followed that.
You make your way out of the room – it's a locker room in a football stadium – and you catch a glimpse of the level's boss, a giant cyclops, waiting for you in the field. He knocks you back, and Duke flies backwards. The parts we played never break that first-person experience. It's like Half-Life
... but with boobs. Your path blocked, you make your way through the stadium's tunnels until you find a weapon, the Devastator. Grab that, an elevator takes you to the field, and you start shooting him in his stupid alien face. The rain wets the screen, a jet drops ammo, and you simply avoid the enormous cyclops while pummeling him with rockets.
Once he's defeated -- which you do by running up to him, slamming on the A button and ripping some tubes out of his head – he drops to the ground and his eyeball falls out. But, in keeping with the whole "interactive environment" thing, you have an option: Kick a field goal. Press A and you do just that. "It's good!"
Then the screen pulls back, two women have their heads in Duke's lap and there's a ... maybe a slurping sound. One says, "Was that good, Duke?" The other says, "And how about the game?" Duke responds, "Yeah but after 12 fucking years it should be." Fin. That's the end of Level 1.
The next level is numbered 15 and titled "Highway Battle," and it's a driving level. It's pretty routine – RT to accelerate, A for turbo and B for a sharp turn. You drive along apocalyptic vistas, smashing into pig monsters, making some sweet jumps
, until ... you run out of gas. From here on out, you're on foot. The pig monsters shoot you, you shoot them back. Here we get to switch weapons: There's a pistol, there's a shotgun, there's a railgun, there's the shrinkgun. In keeping with modern conventions, LT pulls your gun up, and RT fires. Unlike most modern games, you can shrink guys ... and then step on them. Winding your way through the level, you make your way to a mounted gattling gun, which you use to mow down some pigs and a flying ship. It's a heavily guided experience, make no mistake, but it's surprisingly polished.
And that's my personal takeaway: This game works. It may not be the best game ever -- who knows, I only played 15 minutes! -- but it's a game. And it works. And it doesn't look, at least graphically
, like it began production in 1997. Thematically? Well, that's a different topic. And while the graphics aren't going to put Crysis 2
to shame, they're fine ... good even! The film grain effect does a nice job of improving the overall image quality.
For now, this is enough. It's more than enough. After 13 years in development, and then being pronounced dead, Gearbox has performed something of a miracle here. Pitchford and company didn't just raise the dead, but they did so without most of those pesky zombie side effects. Duke Nukem is here and he's alive.