Liveblogging the 2006 Video Game Awards [update 13]

We survived the yellow carpet (yellow? really?) and we're inside the show bringing you some hot, sexy liveblogging action. Awards drop on Spike TV next Wednesday, but get the goods here early. These prestigious awards are presided over by a huge team of monkeys, three junior kids, and the Duke Nukem Forever development team. We'll be bringing you the hard-hitting questions from the red carpet in a video over the weekend. For now just sit back and read the show, nullifying your need for TiVo.

9:19: It's showtime, Sam Jackson comes out onstage and kicks some ass, killing Guitar Heroes left and right. No love for the music? Holy cow, he just dropped a big ol' f-bomb. He gets intro'ed onstage by Stewie, and we're off.

9:21: Sam has his hands on PlayStation 4 -- it's high def, wireless, and his has a vagina. RequisiteWii-mote joke here: "Wii-off! Instead of game elbow, we got beat-off elbow." Nice.

9:22: Sam riffs on Rockstar and wants to know where his hot coffee is. Heyooooo. "They got a game with two guys kissin? Damn, Rockstar takes controversy and gives it to you right up the ass!"

9:24: Jokes about gamers having sex with hot girls. It goes over like a lead ballon. Speaking of balloons, check out the massive amount of L.A. chestage going on.

9:25: 50 Cent intros the "Best Human Female in a Video Game in a sort of slurred "here's my drink" English. We'll have what he's having. It's unsure if he even knows what he's talking about.

9:26: Vida Guerra takes it all home for her role in Scarface, and the jokes about introducing her to your little friend commence.

9:35: Stewie whizzes all over Snakes on Plane, FTW. Sam Jackson ain't above hittin' a baby.

9:36: Rachael Leigh Cook and Seth Green present the award for the Best Game Based on a TV Show of a Movie. But our audio is being trumped by Vida Guerra in the next room talking about winning. FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, GIVE US SOME JACKSON AND SHUSH UP OVER THERE! Someone won, but hey, these game developers all look a lot alike. We'll find out who and plug it in here later. We're sure you can't wait.

9:40: Daniel Dae Kim ain't Lost, he's here introducing the World Premiere of some Bioshock action. This looks pretty darned familiar, Kim. Get back to your island.

9:42: Mocap skit with balls. A chubby dude in a blue suit covered in giant balls plays "the bitch" in Saint's Row. Nice.

9:46: Seth Macfarlane and Tila Tequila present for best wireless game. Rather than wireless, we're wondering why Tila Tequila is so famous, other than the fact that she's pretty hot. Although, in this day and age that's about all it takes, right?

9:47: Of course, right when the winner is about to be announced, they march Maria Menounos in. Okay, we ain't complainin' too loud. She's smokin' hot. But dammit, we can't really report that, or can we? Exclusive: you read it here first -- Maria Menounos is hot.

9:54: Best Performance by a Male Human in a Video Game. James Gandolfini wins for The Sopranos, and we fall asleep. *thud*

10:01: Gears of War wins for ... something, and we decide to take a wrench to the sound system and a sound engineer somewhere so we can actually see and hear what's going on. A novel concept, yes but hey, Joystiq bring it to you in the face.

10:02: Joe Rogan introduces the World Premiere video for Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2 (cripes, can the box fit the title onto it?) Guess what? People get shot, things blow up, and missiles shoot across the screen. It's all cinematics that look like the original GRAW, so of course it looks good, but we want some gameplay.

10:04: Two dudes from Reno 911 bring tight-pants wearing action and announce the previously awarded, er ... awards. They pimp their game where your drive the speed limit, don't rob the local convenience store, and call the police if you see hookers getting beat down with baseball bats. "This game f*ckin' sucks!"

10:07: Best role playing game is about to be announced, and they kill our feed, FTW! That power switch flipping action pretty much is the most powerful move yet. There's no way to defend against it.

10:11: Mass hysteria backstage is about the only way we can describe what's happening. Celebrities colliding with each other. Joe Rogan snarling at the Reno 911 cops. Tila Tequila taking her top off. Okay, that last one we may have imagined because of the sheer amount of insanity happening back here. Joe Rogan appears to have had a plate full of bull testicle and a quart of goat semen before appearing.

10:18: We were given some crackers and a bottle of water and told they are "working on things" or in other words "issuing an update to be downloaded at a later time.

10:19: Michael Irvin presents the Best Individual Sports Game (Without Cocaine). The winnah is ... Tony Hawk's Project 8. Although he keeps looking over his shoulder for EA's Skate.

10:21: Sam Jackson shows off some scenes from his upcoming Afro Samurai upcoming cartoon. Sword wieldin', mutha f*ckin', butt kickin' goodness.

10:28: Sam introduces AFI (or is it afi? Capitalization be damned). They rock out the stage, and we decide to take a power nap next to Tila Tequila's discarded panties.

10:32: [update 1] Check it out, we're using the [update] system to see if this goes a bit smoother.

10:33: [update 2] A slew of awards fly by so quickly that we blink and they're gone. Dead Rising wins best action game, and Guitar Hero 2 wins best soundtrack. That's all we managed to catch. We swear to god we'd love to have Hiro's time-stopping ability from Heroes right now.

10:37: [update 3] We've been moved into the photographer's tent where the audio and video problems claim to be fixed. We can tell you this for sure: photographers are whores. Whenever anyone walks through the tent flaps, they start screaming for blood. "LOOK OVER HERE! RACHAEL LEIGH COOK! BIG SMILE! AIIIIIEEEEEE!" Where is this photography gameplay in Dead Rising, dammit? It's much more bloodthirsty and realistic.

10:39: [update 4] Sam Jackson tells you what to do with your old consoles. Mark Ecko runs onstage with an envelope addressed to Jack Thompson and exchanges some sort of verbiage with Sam. Then a girl walks onstage dressed in a PlayStation 2 bikini. F. T. W. We highly recommend this recycling of old consoles. It benefits everyone, especially the starving children around the world.

10:42: [update 5] Method Man and Tyrese come on to announce the winner for Best Song. However, before it happens they rap to the Mario Brothers theme song. That's an album we'd buy. Rap stars covering the classics. The winner? Yellowcard takes it home, and they just happen to be in attendance. Hmmm.

10:45: [update 6] Hayden Panettone, Patiessiere, what-have-you, otherwise known as Claire Bennett the indestrucible cheerleader from Heroes announces the Most Addictive Game. Is there any doubt who is going to take this award home? Seriously, Brain Age was nominated. Thereby proving that Brain Age was used to compute these awards. The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion wins. We're throwing in the towel here on predictions. Oh, wait ... World of Warcraft wasn't nominated. Although Gears of War was. Who ain't addicted to the chainsawing and curb-stomping in that?

10:53: [update 7] More motion capture skit action. This stuff has been the best of the show so far, by far. Someone might be pitching Mocap: The Show to Fox already. Sarah Silverman comes out and announces how happy she is to be at the 4th Annual Nerd Awards, booyah. "Let me introduce myself ... I'm a real live woman!" She tells all the gamers over the age of 15 to kill themselves, woot! Besides the mocap dude, she's the funniest thing in the show so far as well. Forget Tila Tequila, give us some Silverman. Oh snap, she recants and says that all the gamers should receive an award for AIDS prevention. She encourages everyone to masturbate to her tonight, zowie.

10:58: [update 8] Stewie asks Sam what the L in Samuel L. Jackson for you. "None of your damn bidness!" Stewie: "Oh yeah? Well, I think it stands for "Loves to kiss dudes." Same: "I'm gonna f*ck your baby ass up!" Booyah.

10:59: [update 9] Masi Oka (Hiro from Heroes) comes out, and his jokes fall a bit flat. In some weird parallel mirror universe, he's announcing the Best Team Sports Game. Seriously? Masi Oka is announcing this? See what Brain Age computed? The producers are backstage at this thing swapping show tips on PictoChat. The winner, NBA 2K7. And you can hear the crickets in the background.

11:02: [update 10] Brandon Routh comes out and talks about his love of Warcraft. Kudos to this guy, because he really plays the game. Seriously. He surely must be one hell of an actor, because he manages to make WoW sound ... boring. He introduces a World Premiere of the new Burning Crusade video, accompanied by a choir of people wearing hoodies singing the soundtrack along with the video. This has to be the single weirdest moment of the show. It looks like a group of cult members on stage, or else a frat going through some sort of a hazing. The BC footage looks swanky, though. Still mind-boggling about that choir, though.

11:08 [update 11] Okay, Brandon Routh came backstage and chatted with us, so we feel slightly bad about saying he's boring. We asked him if he pre-ordered Burning Crusade, and he said he's hoping Blizzard sends him a free copy. We imagine they will. Blizzard, any love over here?

11:11: [update 12] Game of the Year Award. You're on the edge of your seats, we know it. Sam runs through some extremely witty (we're sure) banter about the nominees, and winner is -- Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. People are still playing this game? Gears of War was robbed. ROBBED!

11:18: [update 13] Lucky 13. That's it folks, it's over and done with. We were just handed a list of all of the winners, so we'll post that up soon. Right now, our bladder is about to explode. Thanks to Spike TV for inviting us, and next time we're going to just commandeer the a/v system all to ourselves. Thanks for playing, and drive safe.