Your heart pounds like a blown-out speaker as you riffle through your trusty Infinideep Knapsack -- as would any other heart unfortunate enough to find itself in the chest of someone currently occupying the lair of a Slavering Fangbeast. Your trusty Bacon Helmet, bought for a small fortune from Ozz Ennennz, Master Retailer of Mystickal Meatcrafts and Armories, did not seem to make you invisible to the furious creature's eyes, as the duplicitous merchant had promised -- rather, it would seem the beast had taken a keen interest in your pork fat chapeau. With the Fangbeast's breath upon your nape, you know you only have seconds to act...
  • To draw your Sunsteel Elfblade and strike at the Slavering Fangbeast's throat, skip to paragraph A!
  • To read aloud the mystical "Fireglaive" spellscroll, skip to paragraph B!
A. The creature affords you just enough time to draw your Sunsteel Elfblade from its obsidian scabbard. As you rear back your stabbin' arm, you falter as you search for the Fangbeast's throat. If only you had taken that Xenobiologic Anatomy 101 course at Ye Olde Harvarde, you would have known that Fangbeasts of the Slavering variety do not possess throats, but instead, extra teeth. As the creature closes his meaty jaws around you, you curse the day you decided to major in Art History. The End.

B. Flinging your Bacon Helmet into the monster's saliva-flooded maw, you retreat to a well-lit corner of the room, and withdraw the mighty "Fireglaive" spellscroll, the same piece of mystical parchment that had gotten you out of many a similar predicament. As the beast finishes its fashionable snack, you don your reading glasses, then read aloud the mystical runes scribbled onto the surface of that sacred text:

"- PSP: 85,721 35,243 (29.14%)
- DS Lite: 47,1588,032 (14.55%)
- Wii: 46,296 1,678 (3.76%)
- PS3: 8,232 3,071 (27.17%)
- PS2: 6,834 3,589 (34.43%)
- Xbox 360: 1,147 305 (21.01%)."

You realize (with terror) that you recently let your brother, Purvis the Adequate, borrow ol' "Fireglaive" to clear out a rather bothersome termite infestation in his thatched roof cottage. The Fangbeast makes a brief, snarky comment about how the Japanese have apparently stopped playing video games, then returns to the task of unhinging his jaw, and swallowing you whole. The End.

[Source: Media Create]

See: The slavering archives

This article was originally published on Joystiq.

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