"Apple has been steadily scaling back on holidays in recent years, including Valentine's Day, Columbus Day, President's Day and Grandparents Day in Japan," the press release states.
The joint press conference was sponsored by an unknown lover of parody and a good bit of tongue-in-cheek humor.
And, don't worry. We can always import the Japanese Health and Sports holiday (second Monday in October) and use it to fill the gift-wrapped Apple-shaped holes in our hearts.
Many thanks goes to the unknown site creator for creating a smile in the middle of a lot of confusion!
And also thanks to @frijole on Twitter for the tip!