We recently spoke to Nexus-Prince Haramad, leader of the ethereal Consortium, and he shed light on several key issues, including goblin rearrangement, investment opportunities, bad business practices, proprietary bandage technology, and static cling. In this installment of Ask a Faction Leader, we'll be sitting with Archdruid Fandral Staghelm of the Cenarion Circle.
Our first reader question:
Dear Fandral Staghelm,
Over the years, I have many times assisted your morrowgrain research. I have found many weird plants in my quest for that elusive herb. I have been awarded many (useless but, I am sure, heartfelt) scrolls and pieces of food by your research team. My question is: Where is all this effort ending up? What end does all this morrowgrain research lead to?
Look, pal, when I send you on an errand, you say "how high." You don't ask "what exactly do you need all of this eldritch herb for." I need it, you need to get it for me. You know the saying? Yours is not to question why, etc?
Oh, wonderful. See her, over there? My handler is signaling me. I guess that means "answer the poorly-named hunter's (yes, I know you're a hunter) question, you magnificent king among kaldorei." I guess it's just as well, I got a dozen emails about what I was doing with morrowgrain.
Fine. The big reveal. What am I doing with morrowgrain?
Nah, I'm just playin', I'll never tell. Go get me some more. There's a pair of cloth bracers with agility and spirit on them waiting for you when you get back.
Your lack of charisma is certainly your downfall in the Kaldorei Elections, voters complain of your disinterest in their careers and your elitist attitude. I believe I have a solution for you. It is well known that you are a very powerful (if not the most powerful) balance druid.
Put a talent point into Moonkin form.
Moonkin are bouncy and huggable and have a kick-ass dance routine, I predict that if you were to approach Azeroth's heroes with a big boomkin hoot you would have a formidable following.
Staghelm for Boomking of the Night Elves.
Moonkin form? Are you serious?
Look, I think Elune rules as much as the next night elf, but let's be real here. Elune has sent at least two types of creatures to "help" night elves. Let's examine them.
The first: worgen. Yeah, those were a great idea, Elune. Hulking wolfmen with 150% runspeed modifiers who can spread their curse by biting things and who don't respond well to authority. Wonderful. Thanks for that. We'll send a gift basket.
The second: moonkin. Fat owlbears with rudimentary jewelry. I'm not saying that they don't help us at all, but -- wait, yes I am, they don't help us at all. Do we have any moonkin anywhere that are even friendly? The ones on Azuremyst just yell at people and get sick. The ones in Feralas just get mad all the time. Strictly speaking, I'm not even sure I've ever seen any using balance magic, so why would I want to turn into one?
I'm sure there are other ways to curry favor with fickle voters than turning into a bird that looks and acts like a character from a Faulkner novel.
I have heard rumours of Darkspear Trolls and Worgen practicing druidic magic.
What do you think of this?
Sincerely, Harruki, Tauren Druid
Hahaha, oh man. Is this -- is this a joke? Yes, I'm sure that those rumors are true. Those overgrown jungle imps with penchants for absorbing animal god mojo are just gonna start turning into ... ani ... oh, hell. This actually sounds plausible. I bet it's those weird dancing ones that hang around outside Moonglade, too. I knew I should've sent some adventurers out there to handle it. And by handle I mean literally murder them with weapons.
At least I can rest easy knowing that there's no way that a bunch of humans that routinely shapeshift could learn how to turn ... into ... ah, dammit.
The druid pool's gonna need a lot of bleach.
Clearly the Alliance has much more faith in you than in Tyrande. When Horde raids enter Darnassus I frequently see any Alliance in town scamper to protect the Temple of the Moon, but they must know that you are capable of fending for yourself. Do you ever take the chance to rub in your obvious superiority and greater respect to her?
I've gotta commend any gormless Horde sadsack that manages to get past Darkshore, but it's pretty obvious who they're afraid of. They know that Tyrande is tarted-up cat lady in mooncloth robes and I'm an intimidating buck of an elf with the very powers of nature at my command. And you're right -- the fact that my people don't rush to defend me is an obvious indicator that they're aware of my incredible prowess.
So, yes, of course, I let her know that she's an idiot every time she respawns. What I don't understand is why she carries one-fifth of a bear around with her. For some reason the Horde just love that stuff.
Your August Viridiance:
I'm currently operating in Silithus, helping to keep the Qiraji from emerging once more onto the surface of Azeroth. Your experience in the area far exceeds my own, so I was hoping for the answer to a practical question I have: how do I deal with the smell?
I mean, I've been in some stinky zones before - the Blasted Lands are reminiscent of burning mechano-hog tires, while the Underbog has a fruity bouquet similar to a cantaloupe that's been opened and left in the sun for a week. But seriously, this place takes the steamed mandu. It's like...well, you've been here, you KNOW what it's like. Eating becomes a Feat of Strength, my sinuses have built up their own Greymane Wall in a desparate act of self-preservation, and when I get back to the civilized lands the leftover odor pushes socializing with the opposite sex right off the hit table.
So, any advice that doesn't involve morrowgrain? (I'm allergic to it)
Some of us had to deal with Silithus back when it actually mattered, not when people ran around there collecting glowing sand, and certainly not now, when everyone's traipsing around up north after some frosty ponce. If you think it smells bad now, you should've been there when they murdered your kid in front of you. Oh wait! That was me.
Anyway. Best way to handle the smell of butt and bug is to take a handkerchief, tie it around your nose and mouth, and get the hell out of Silithus. What are you even doing there? Are you as dumb as most of my subjects? I thought humans were supposed to have some skill in diplomacy. Use it and mediate a discussion between your brain and your mouth when the Flight Master asks you where you want to go and say "Anywhere but Elune-damned Silithus."
Why do you seem to hate, or at least resent all manner of life that comes to say hello to you? I'm exalted with your people, yet you still show me no respect. And even worse still, my friend, the one and only Scarab Lord (at least on our server) is given the same respect I am. NONE! Do you not respect him, me, or any other mortal?
- A ticked off dwarf and his Scarab Lord friend
I'm so sorry your Scarab Lord friend is offended. Maybe he should've been there the first time instead of riding my coattails to his fancy title thousands of years later. The sequel's never as good as the original, kid, and I sure as hell ain't gonna put my blurb on the back of that box.
Tank you for ya interest in da AVCS (Ancient Voodoo Curses Society). Although we don't normally be acceptin' members of non-Trollish origin, your research into dis 'Morrowgrain' has peaked da interest of myself and da other Society members. We have therefore decided to be acceptin' your application! Enclosed ya be findin' your official membership card, a pamphlet describin' da rules and expectations of da AVCS, and a bill for your initial membership dues. We be lookin' forward to seein' ya at our next meetin'.
- Dal'jin, Voodoo Witch Doctor
Vice President of the AVCS
I don't know how much more clearly I can write "make sure to send this to my P.O. box" on these forms.
That's all for our audience with Archdruid Fandral Staghelm! Next week, we'll be speaking with Regent-Lord Lor'themar Theron of Silvermoon! If you have questions for the Regent-Lord, whether you need advice or have questions about hair product or bows or anything in between, send them via email to email@example.com with the subject line "AAFL".
Want your question to be published? Be creative! Don't ask a question that everyone else would ask. Use humor or be serious, it doesn't matter -- just be unique.